\u2018What\u2019s this about my old man being on the apps?\u2019<\/p>\n
A Prius pulls up at the next pump, just as I\u2019m imagining what topics my pep talk would touch on, and suddenly I hear the driver say my name. She\u2019s like, \u201cRoss!\u201d<\/p>\n
And, yeah, no \u2013 fock\u2019s sake \u2013 it ends up being Claire from Bray of all places.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cEr, how are you?\u201d because it\u2019s nice to be nice.<\/p>\n
And she goes, \u201cAmazing! I suppose Sorcha told you that Garret and I have opened a second coffee shop run by ex-offenders \u2013 this time in Enniskerry!\u201d<\/p>\n
And I\u2019m there, \u201cYeah, when I asked you how you were, Claire, it was just a figure of speech.\u201d<\/p>\n
And that\u2019s when she hits me with it \u2013 straight out of left field. She\u2019s like, \u201cOh my God \u2013 random! Did you hear that my mom and your dad connected on Tinder?\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cExcuse me?\u201d<\/p>\n
She goes, \u201cYou do know my parents got a legal separation, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cYeah, frankly, I don\u2019t care about you or anything that happens beyond the Dorgle. What\u2019s this about my old man being on the apps?\u201d<\/p>\n
She\u2019s like, \u201cYeah, he\u2019s on Tinder, Ross. I think he might have gone out on one or two dates with Amie with an -ie\u2019s mother as well.\u201d<\/p>\n
The old dear isn\u2019t even cold in the ground<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u00a0Ross<\/p>\n
That ends up being the line that snaps my crayons. <\/p>\n
I drive into town and I throw the cor on the path in front of Fionnuala\u2019s on the Green. I walk past Honor at the concierge desk. She has her nose in her phone and doesn\u2019t notice me. It\u2019s the middle of the afternoon and the restaurant is empty. The old man is sitting in the corner with Hennessy, plotting something or other, no doubt illegal.<\/p>\n
He spots me and he goes, \u201cKicker! How are we feeling about the match against France?\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cNever mind that. What\u2019s this about you being on the apps?\u201d<\/p>\n
He doesn\u2019t even try to deny it.<\/p>\n
He\u2019s there, \u201cOh, it\u2019s only a bit of fun, Ross!\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cThe old dear isn\u2019t even cold in the ground.\u201d<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cNonsense, Ross! She\u2019s been dead six months! And it was her stated wish, while she was still compos mentis, that I should not spend the rest of my life alone. I am a man with needs, Ross!\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cPlease don\u2019t say sexual needs.\u201d<\/p>\n
He\u2019s like, \u201cSexual needs!\u201d<\/p>\n
Something \u2013 yeah, no \u2013 occurs to me then.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cHow did you manage to set yourself up on it?\u201d because I saw him once \u2013 admittedly pissed \u2013 trying to make a phone call using the TV remote. <\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cYour wonderful daughter looked after the entire thing!\u201d<\/p>\n
That\u2019s when Honor walks into the restaurant. <\/p>\n
She\u2019s like, \u201cEr, how did you get in?\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cYou\u2019re a Gen Z girl with a phone, Honor. I could have morched in here with the entire RT\u00c9 concert orchestra carrying their instruments and you wouldn\u2019t have noticed. What\u2019s this about you setting my old man up on a dating app?\u201d<\/p>\n
She\u2019s like, \u201cI know! It\u2019s exciting, isn\u2019t it? Grandad, did you show him the photo you\u2019re using?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, yes!\u201d he goes \u2013 then he tries to show me his profile pic. <\/p>\n
He actually looks well in it, but you wouldn\u2019t give it to him. <\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cI doubt you\u2019ll have many takers.\u201d<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cAu contraire, Ross \u2013 pordon the French! I\u2019ve already been out on several of what you young people call dates!\u201d<\/p>\n
She made no secret of the fact she\u2019s from Bray. She was very upfront about the entire thing<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u00a0Charles<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cI heard you connected with Claire\u2019s old dear.\u201d<\/p>\n
He\u2019s there, \u201cOh, yes! Bernie!\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cBernie? What, that\u2019s her actual name?\u201d<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cWe\u2019re having dinner here tonight!\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cYou do know she\u2019s from Bray?\u201d<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cOh, she made no secret of the fact. She was very upfront about the entire thing.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cNo shame, in other words. I heard you went out with Amie with an -ie\u2019s old dear as well.\u201d<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cYes, we had two very enjoyable \u2013 again \u2013 dates.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cSo this is you now, is it? Slutting around town, trying to satisfy your \u2013 I don\u2019t even want to say the word \u2013 needs?\u201d<\/p>\n
Hennessy \u2013 my so-called godfather, bear in mind \u2013 stares at me and goes, \u201cI don\u2019t remember you running shy of the ladies.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cAll I\u2019m saying is that I should have been told about this. I should have been consulted.\u201d<\/p>\n