Joy Felton \u2013 yeah, no, one of our neighbours \u2013 is standing at the front gates as I swing the cor into the driveway and she nearly ends up with the BMW logo imprinted backwards across her, I want to say, midriff?<\/p>\n
I slam on the brakes, then wind down the window and I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat the fock are you doing lurking there?\u201d<\/p>\n
She goes, \u201cI hope you\u2019re planning to move that thing?\u201d in her famous residents association voice. \u201cDo you have any idea what that could do to property values in this area?\u201d<\/p>\n
It\u2019s Vico Road. The whole place could fall into the sea tomorrow and it wouldn\u2019t affect property values.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou have to get rid of it,\u201d she goes. \u201cIt\u2019s a disgusting eyesore.\u201d<\/p>\n
At first, I think she\u2019s talking about the giant, inflatable Santa Claus that I was supposed to take down after Christmas, except the boys have been using it as a tackle bag with the grudge match against Blackrock College fast approaching.<\/p>\n
But then I notice Honor\u2019s cor, the one that Ronan bought her at, like, a CAB auction before Christmas. Someone has spraypainted the words \u201cRat\u201d, \u201cScum\u201d and \u201cTout\u201d on it.<\/p>\n
I hop out of my cor and race into the gaff, going, \u201cHonor? Honor, are you okay?\u201d<\/p>\n
I find her in the kitchen with Ronan, the two of them calmly vaping.<\/p>\n
\u201cHere\u2019s this fooken tulip now,\u201d Ronan goes.<\/p>\n
Honor\u2019s like, \u201cDad, don\u2019t overreact.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cOverreact? I\u2019ll give you overreact! Did he do that? The criminal who owns that cor?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOwned,\u201d Ronan goes. \u201cPast tense, Rosser. I bought it \u2013 fairden squeer.\u201d <\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cWell, he clearly doesn\u2019t think so.\u201d<\/p>\n
Honor goes, \u201cOh my God, Dad, you are such a focking drama queen.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cThe dude clearly wants his cor back. Why don\u2019t you just give it to him and I\u2019ll buy you a new one?\u201d<\/p>\n
Ronan\u2019s like, \u201cIt\u2019s all in haddend, Rosser.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cYou said that a week ago.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIne arthur meeting him, so I am.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThis morden.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThem people what say nebber meet yisser heroes \u2013 they\u2019re wrong, Rosser.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAre they?\u201d<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cAh, he\u2019s a lubbly fedda, Rosser. Nicoda Taddant did a whole episode of the podcast about him and he\u2019s not a bit full of heself either.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cI\u2019m thrilled for him. We\u2019re getting rid of the cor. Right focking now.\u201d<\/p>\n
Honor\u2019s like, \u201cWhat do you mean, you\u2019re getting rid of it?\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cI\u2019m going to put a breeze block on the accelerator and let it drive itself into the sea.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ronan goes, \u201cRosser, we\u2019ve agreed a price for it. Eighty bleaten grand. We shook haddends on it. Then as I was leaving, he said, \u2018Listen, soddy about this, but Ine arthur paying someone to spray-paint it while we were sitting here. I tried to call it off but he had no signal out there. Says I, \u2018Norra botter. It\u2019s yewers now.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cSo why is it still porked in my front gorden?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause,\u201d Honor goes, \u201cany man who\u2019s sentimental enough to pay \u20ac80,000 for a cor would surely be willing to pay \u20ac100,000 for it.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cYou\u2019re trying to gouge an extra 20 K\u2019s out of one of Ireland\u2019s most dangerous career criminals?\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u2018Ro, don\u2019t take this the wrong way, but the day you went to live in the States was the happiest day of my life\u2019<\/p>\n
Ronan goes, \u201cI told him, Rosser. I said I wadn\u2019t the owner of the keer. I was just acting as an agent slash middleman. I just texted him there to say the owner wants a hundoord for it.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cAnd what if he says no? What if he comes back here and \u2026 Hang on \u2013 how did he find out where the cor was?\u201d<\/p>\n
Ronan goes, \u201cHe has a thracker hidden somewhere in it. Buckets of Blood stripped the thing down to the frame and he couldn\u2019t find it, but.\u201d<\/p>\n
It\u2019s at that exact point that Sorcha arrives home from Yogalates.<\/p>\n
She\u2019s like, \u201cOh my God, did you see what someone has written on Honor\u2019s cor?\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cYeah, no, we\u2019re actually talking about it here.\u201d<\/p>\n
She goes, \u201cDo you have any idea what that could do to property values around here?\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cJoy Felton\u2019s already on it. Ro, can I have a word in private, please?\u201d<\/p>\n
I lead the dude outside into the hallway.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cRo, don\u2019t take this the wrong way, but the day you went to live in the States was the happiest day of my life. Do you know why? Because it got you away from those criminal scumbags you grew up idolising.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRosser,\u201d he goes, \u201che\u2019s a lubbly fedda \u2013 norra bit stuck-up.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cI\u2019m actually talking about my old man and Hennessy, Ronan.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looks away. He knows I\u2019m right.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cRo, you\u2019re endangering my family. Get rid of the cor. Take it down to Bullock Horbour and drive it into the sea.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou will not!\u201d a voice behind me goes.<\/p>\n
Yeah, no, it\u2019s Sorcha.<\/p>\n
She\u2019s like, \u201cHonor just said it\u2019s worth \u20ac100,000.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cWell, the dude offered 80 K\u2019s for it \u2013 and Honor is trying to cream an extra 20 out of him.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ronan\u2019s phone beeps then. It\u2019s, like, a text message. He reads it and he goes silent.<\/p>\n
Sorcha\u2019s like, \u201cWell, business is business, Ross. I think Honor could have what it takes to be an entrepreneur.\u201d<\/p>\n
I turn to Ro and I\u2019m like, \u201cWas that a message from the actual dude? Is he prepared to pay the extra 20?\u201d<\/p>\n
Ronan goes, \u201cLeave it, Rosser. You\u2019re out of your depth.\u201d<\/p>\n
And that\u2019s when there\u2019s a massive explosion in the front gorden. In the kitchen, I can hear Honor scream. Ronan hits the deck and pulls Sorcha down with him. <\/p>\n
I race to the front door and I tear it open to see Honor\u2019s cor going up in literally flames. Andrea Shotton, our neighbour on the other side, is standing at the gate, staring at the cor as it burns.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cSorry, have you got nothing better to do with your time?\u201d<\/p>\n
And she goes, \u201cDo you know have any idea what this could do to property values in this area?\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Joy Felton \u2013 yeah, no, one of our neighbours \u2013 is standing at the front gates as I…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":88437,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[72,61,60,709,42327],"class_list":["post-273517","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-business","tag-business","tag-ie","tag-ireland","tag-magazine","tag-ross-o-carroll-kelly"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/273517","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=273517"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/273517\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/88437"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=273517"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=273517"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=273517"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}