Money can be the third wheel in a romantic relationship. There\u2019s the worry of how much should you spend on a first date, and should you split the bill? Is there a right time to ask how much your lover earns? And if you\u2019re financially incompatible, is the relationship doomed? <\/p>\n
A household can\u2019t run on chemistry alone, and you won\u2019t buy a house together with vibes. Spending habits, attitudes to debt and earning will all materially influence your life together.<\/p>\n
Financial compatibility can be a big predictor of whether a relationship sticks or falls apart. It all starts with the first date. <\/p>\n
A first date can provide clues about financial compatibility. In the early days, lovers can fret about the signals their spending habits send. Will going budget-friendly come off as stingy or sensible? Does splitting the bill give their partner the ick? Or will a big gesture set false expectations? <\/p>\n
The tack you take, and your date\u2019s reaction to it, can indicate a lot about your attitudes to money. <\/p>\n
One thing is for sure: going beyond your means will create mounting anxiety over time. <\/p>\n
\u201cThe key to dating without financial stress isn\u2019t about sticking to a rigid euro amount, but understanding your wider finances and setting realistic boundaries,\u201d says Eoghan O\u2019Hara, Ireland country head with online savings platform Raisin.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s no universal rule for what you should spend on a date, but having some structure can help prevent costs creeping up,\u201d says O\u2019Hara. One of the simplest ways to sense-check your spending is to think in percentages rather than prices, he says. <\/p>\n
\u201cAs a general rule, keeping your total social and leisure spending \u2013 including dating \u2013 within about 10\u201315 per cent of your monthly take-home pay can help you enjoy yourself without putting pressure on your overall finances,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
Take, for example, someone taking home \u20ac2,500 a month; that works out at roughly \u20ac250 to \u20ac375 to cover nights out, hobbies and dates combined, he says. <\/p>\n
For a first date, spending more than 1 to 2 per cent of your monthly income is usually unnecessary. That\u2019s about \u20ac25 to \u20ac50 for someone with \u20ac2,500 in monthly disposable income <\/p>\n
\u201cA coffee, a walk or a couple of drinks is often enough to get to know someone, without the pressure that can come with an expensive dinner or activity,\u201d says O\u2019Hara.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you\u2019re seeing each other regularly, the occasional dinner or shared activity might take closer to 3 to 5 per cent of your income,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n
Balance <\/p>\n
\u201cDating should be enjoyable, not something that leaves you feeling stretched, or guilty at the end of the month.\u201d <\/p>\n
You could, however, treat dating as an investment because it certainly pays to couple up, according to Raisin research.<\/p>\n
Maintaining an \u201caverage lifestyle\u201d for a single person in Ireland works out at about \u20ac2,307 a month, according to Raisin\u2019s data. This is based on certain household living expenses including mortgage or rent, energy, broadband, property tax and home insurance. <\/p>\n
This compares with \u20ac2,535 for couples. <\/p>\n
While couples can split those costs, paying roughly \u20ac1,267 each, singles must cover the full whack themselves \u2013 an extra \u20ac1,040 every month.<\/p>\n
\u201cBeing single in Ireland often means carrying the full weight of housing costs, utilities and everyday bills on one income,\u201d says O\u2019Hara. \u201cThat makes discretionary spending like dating feel far more significant, even when individual amounts are small.\u201d<\/p>\n
Or you could think of dating as a \u201cspeculate to accumulate\u201d play \u2013 investing now for returns later. <\/p>\n
By coupling up, holidays and a car can become significantly cheaper. Living together will halve rent, utilities and food costs. First-time buyers can borrow four times their combined income, generally far more than house-hunting solo. <\/p>\n
Coupling up can definitely pay off, but being honest about money can avoid a costly split later. <\/p>\n
Wedding bells<\/p>\n
You can be blind to a lover\u2019s spending during the heady dating phase but the effect on your financial and personal wellbeing will eventually come home to roost.<\/p>\n
Psychotherapist Helen Browne, a member of the Irish Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy, has supported couples driven to crisis point by the cost of their forthcoming wedding. <\/p>\n
\u201cI unfortunately have come across several couples where one person is watching all of this unfold with increasing discomfort and distress … and they are horrified at the expense that is being incurred,\u201d says Browne.<\/p>\n
Two-day weddings are often the norm, as is going abroad for the stag and hen parties, personalised, matching pyjamas and presents for a large wedding party, she says. <\/p>\n
Spending on things such as drone videography to create glossy Instagram content is now mainstream. <\/p>\n
\u201cI keep thinking of that line from Sex in the City where Anthony, the wedding planner, says: \u2018I have one girl on Long Island who gave herself a stroke\u2019,\u201d says Browne.<\/p>\n
\u201cI see couples who have Airbnb\u2019d their houses to go back and live with Mum and Dad in the box room, or lived separately, in order to pay for their wedding,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
Couples are incurring \u201cthousands and thousands\u201d of euro in debt for their weddings, and this can throw incompatibilities into sharp relief at the 11th hour.<\/p>\n
The evidence can be there much sooner, says Browne, if you ignore it. How a couple deals with the significant expense of invitations to others\u2019 weddings is one test. <\/p>\n
\u201cDo you both choose to go \u2018all-in\u2019 as guests at a wedding \u2013 participating in the stag and hen trips, spending on a big present and staying over?\u201d says Browne. Do you both feel you have to commit to everything, or do you, for example, discuss scaling back your summer holiday to compensate?<\/p>\n
\u201cIs the other person open to managing things in a sensible cautious way, like saving for it, or not going away yourselves so you can attend? Are you both of a mind you have to plan for it,\u201d asks Browne.<\/p>\n
How you negotiate joint expenses while dating will reveal a lot. <\/p>\n
Being clear-eyed about what life together might look like after your wedding and discussing your expectations is critical too, she says.<\/p>\n
Assumptions around future inheritances come up in couples therapy all the time … Couples can be slow to break omerta on it<\/p>\n
Do you envisage always having a two-income household? If you plan to have children, what will childcare look like? Is the expectation that someone will continue to work the \u201cbig job\u201d to pay for holidays, a cleaner and private schooling, or is taking a career break an unspoken wish? <\/p>\n
If there are expectations of a life together, you need to talk about money. <\/p>\n
Ask questions<\/p>\n
When is it fair game to ask a new partner how much they earn? Asking too soon can send them running for the hills but avoiding the topic altogether can create problems later.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t need to swap bank balances on the first date, but once you\u2019re seeing each other regularly, it\u2019s reasonable to start understanding where each other stands financially,\u201d says Raisin\u2019s O\u2019Hara.<\/p>\n
Almost three in five people say money plays an important role in the health of their relationship, and more than half have experienced financial stress with a partner \u2013 according to a Raisin survey of 800 adults in Ireland last year. <\/p>\n
\u201cTalking about whether someone is saving for a deposit, paying off debt or prioritising travel and experiences can help set expectations early. These conversations are especially important if one person has more financial flexibility than another,\u201d says O\u2019Hara. <\/p>\n
\u201cTalking about money early isn\u2019t unromantic,\u201d he adds. \u201cIt\u2019s practical. It helps avoid resentment, pressure or guilt later on as the relationship becomes more established.\u201d <\/p>\n
Helen Browne agrees. \u201cIf you have a child with someone, you are in a legal arrangement with them for life \u2013 more so than buying a house together,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou need to know the financial standing of the person you are getting into a legal arrangement with, so, absolutely, we should be having those conversations about salary, savings, pensions, health insurance and financial commitments.\u201d<\/p>\n
Assumptions around future inheritances come up in couples therapy all the time, says Browne. Couples can be slow to break omerta on it. <\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve met people who say, my partner is going to inherit a bit from their family and that will help us buy the house \u2013 but nobody has talked about how much that is. That\u2019s very common,\u201d says Browne.<\/p>\n
Buying a first home in this State is for many couples predicated on the bank of Mum and Dad.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut that\u2019s not great if you haven\u2019t talked about what the balance is in the account of Mum and Dad,\u201d says Browne.<\/p>\n
\u201cI have met couples where one thought help with a deposit might be \u20ac50,000 and the parents might think it\u2019s \u20ac5,000.\u201d<\/p>\n
Till debt do us part<\/p>\n
How much an individual earns is one thing but a shared attitude to borrowing can be the biggest predictor of compatibility. <\/p>\n
\u201cThe biggest issue we see is whether someone is willing to spend money that affects their financial standing \u2013 that\u2019s whether or not someone is willing to get into debt,\u201d says Browne.<\/p>\n
Is buying something you can\u2019t afford anathema? Or did you grow up in a household where borrowing for a holiday, a new kitchen or a sofa was the norm?<\/p>\n
Neither way is \u201cwrong\u201d, but a readiness to be real about the consequences of financial decisions is required of both parties, says Browne.<\/p>\n
\u201cUltimately debt is something that will have to be faced, it can\u2019t be put on the long finger indefinitely,\u201d she says. <\/p>\n
\u201cYou might say, this car or holiday is something that is very important to me, it\u2019s special, it would enhance my wellbeing, or create memories that are really important to me \u2013 but you will have to pay for it at some point.\u201d <\/p>\n
Being able to be honest with yourself and your partner about spending is vital, she says. It\u2019s about having a shared financial reality. <\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s anything from, \u2018I have a couple of hundred on my credit card that you don\u2019t know about\u2019 to \u2018I have huge debt, and now we won\u2019t be able to buy the house\u2019,\u201d says Browne.<\/p>\n
The spectrum of financial transparency can range from omitting to tell a partner about spending on something, to actively concealing it, to being deceptive.<\/p>\n
\u201cGoing back to the financial crash, there were a lot of stories of professional debts that had spiralled and which had not been shared with a spouse,\u201d says Browne.<\/p>\n
And if you think you can change a partner\u2019s approach to money, think again.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you want to be happy, you have to really think about whether you can accept and live with their financial approach,\u201d says Browne.<\/p>\n
Whether a person is spendy or frugal is fairly well entrenched. \u201cTrying to change that is like trying to change a very fundamental aspect of their personality, and that\u2019s not possible. If you want to try to change them, you are headed for conflict.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Money can be the third wheel in a romantic relationship. There\u2019s the worry of how much should you…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":292354,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[4998,72,943,61,60,5144,16487],"class_list":["post-292353","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-business","tag-weddings","tag-business","tag-cost-of-living","tag-ie","tag-ireland","tag-money-matters","tag-mortgages"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/292353","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=292353"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/292353\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/292354"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=292353"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=292353"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=292353"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}