I went to the bank recently to see if I could get a stocking loan for the year ahead.<\/p>\n
“Son,” the bank manager said, “the only way you will be able to get money out of this place is by wearing a pair of tights over your head.”<\/p>\n
And not understanding what he meant, for we live in strange times, and these days anything goes, I must have stood looking puzzled for a few moments, before he elaborated further.\u00a0<\/p>\n
“By robbing us!” he exclaimed. “Cattle are far too expensive to be giving out loans.<\/p>\n
“It’s like the Celtic Tiger out there in the marts,” says he. “And stay ye away from them big ‘Celtic Tiger’ bullocks!” he strongly advised.<\/p>\n
And while I’ve no doubt the bank manager was talking sense, it left me with a great dilemma.<\/p>\n
You see, cheap or dear, I still needed an income. Without an income, the wheels of the Auld Lehane bandwagon were sure to come off.<\/p>\n
And so it was then, that I turned to the steeplechase and hauled out the saddle one last time.<\/p>\n
And while wiping down the leather, I made an announcement to the world that I would be available for Cheltenham next week.<\/p>\n
Auld Lehane, the jockey, was back in the saddle for 2026. I had little choice. I needed the spondulicks. The cupboard was bare.<\/p>\n
And as you might expect, the elite in the horse racing world were soon beating a path to my door, the offers came in fast and furious.<\/p>\n
They all knew, you see, that if auld Lehane was onboard, the chances of winning were almost guaranteed.<\/p>\n
Regardless of how useless the horse was, if he has three legs instead of four, we would still be first across the line, for I have a gift when it comes to winning steeplechase races.<\/p>\n
Slow as I am to boast, I’m like Lester Piggott, really, only probably better. And I know to look at me, you’d never think I was so “gifted”.<\/p>\n
To the untrained eye, it might seem that Auld Lehane is too old, stupid, and overweight to throw his leg over anything more flighty than a bar stool.<\/p>\n
Well, the reality is, I have a track record for success that would have Willie Mullins salivating at the mouth.<\/p>\n
Provide me with a horse, give me enough elbow room, and watch me go. That’s all I ask.<\/p>\n
The only proviso I have is for people not to shout and dance too much after every race victory I achieve, for it can get very tiresome after a full day of unbridled success.<\/p>\n
So, yes, I will be taking part in Cheltenham this year once again. My card is full.<\/p>\n
I will probably be riding Flying High! in the Ryanair Chase.<\/p>\n
And onboard Andrew You Tool in the Queen Mother Champion Stakes, and, “why,” you might cry, “don’t you ride horses all the time if you are so bloody brilliant?”<\/p>\n
Well, simply because the thrill associated with Cheltenham lies in the belief that anyone can be a winner.<\/p>\n
That’s where the joy for events like this come from.<\/p>\n
But alas, if I’m in the race at all, regardless of the competition, I’m sure to romp home first.<\/p>\n
For, like a hungry sow up the field who gets a sniff of ration coming from the yard, you will always find me leading the pack once the head is turned.<\/p>\n
Look out for me at Cheltenham next week, I’ll be out in front.<\/p>\n
And please don’t bother cheering me on, for my head will be swollen enough already. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"I went to the bank recently to see if I could get a stocking loan for the year…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":324678,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[39963,36920,61,60,80],"class_list":{"0":"post-324677","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-technology","8":"tag-farming-columnist-denis-lehane","9":"tag-farming-columns","10":"tag-ie","11":"tag-ireland","12":"tag-technology"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/324677","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=324677"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/324677\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/324678"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=324677"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=324677"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=324677"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}