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The Valley<\/a><\/p>\n You Can\u2019t Sip with Us<\/p>\n \n Season 3<\/p>\n Episode 1\n <\/p>\n \n Editor\u2019s Rating<\/p>\n 3 stars<\/p>\n ***\n <\/p>\n \n The most volatile personality might be gone, but there are still divorces to finalize and interpersonal mom drama to navigate in the season premiere. There has never been a more fitting opening to a season of a Bravo show than the marquee sign in front of Jax\u2019s bar being taken down and unceremoniously plopped on the sidewalk. I think that is a great mission statement for this here season of television, but I need to know more. How did they know this was when the sign was coming down? Did production know they wanted this shot and called and asked? Did Brittany or someone else know it was happening, and were they petty enough to tell producers to capture it? Did someone just driving by see the action happening and call the nearby camera crew to ensure it was captured for posterity? I\u2019m going to need an oral history on Bravo TV Dot Com for these two seconds of B-roll.<\/p>\n While Jax is very clearly gone, we go around the cast to check in on everyone and what they\u2019ve been up to since last season. Brittany is loving her life with Cruz, who is obsessed with dinosaurs. She and Jax still aren\u2019t divorced because Jax hasn\u2019t filled out the paperwork, which, sigh, we totally knew would happen. She also has a new friend named Brandon, whom she met in Kentucky back when they were teens, and he\u2019s now living in California (but three hours away), and they\u2019ve reconnected. They just got back from a vacation in Cabo and he wants to be her boyfriend, but she said no. Zack is worried that she\u2019s making the same mistakes she made with Jax all over again, and while I would like to think that is not likely, I can also see the universe for the mystical, ironic gift that it is. From what we\u2019ve seen on FaceTime, Brandon looks nice and hot, so I\u2019m going to give him a chance.<\/p>\n Speaking of Zack, he\u2019s still living in WeHo; is on a GLP-1, looking absolutely snatched; and is still with his boyfriend, Benji the Canadian Wonder. Given the current climate, Zack very responsibly says, \u201cU.S. government, if you\u2019re watching, he is staying here extendedly on a valid visa.\u201d Zack also makes it clear they are in an open relationship. This man did not get famous and get skinty for his DMs to be barren. This is basically an open invitation to send Zack dick pics. (Gays, do not send Zack dick pics. Sorry. That\u2019s unfair. Do not send Zack dick pics \u2026 without consent.)<\/p>\n Jasmine and Melissa moved to Sherman Oaks and are behind on planning their wedding. Jasmine says she\u2019s very low-key about it and then lists about a dozen things she doesn\u2019t want at her wedding, including children, hot-pink dresses, dogs in costume, mimes, golf umbrellas, pigs in a blanket, climate change, cheap gifts, or anyone trying to look better than her. Most of these are entirely relatable.<\/p>\n Michelle has moved out on her own and is living in West Hollywood in what looks like a witch\u2019s cottage. Is it made of candy? Is she trying to trap Hansel and\/or Gretel? Aaron, that weird honey man, dumped her, and I\u2019m glad he\u2019s gone and also happy Lala is around to make fun of his eyes so that I don\u2019t have to. Michelle and Jesse still aren\u2019t divorced either because, according to Michelle, Jesse keeps finding reasons not to sign the paperwork. He says, \u201cI want to, but it hasn\u2019t happened yet. Simple.\u201d Yeah, that is simple, but dude, get out a fucking pen and sign it. That\u2019s the only reason it happened. It\u2019s so clear that he refuses to give up the one shred of control he still has over Michelle and is going to punish her for asking for a divorce in the first place. Considering she says she\u2019s walking away with nothing, there is no financial incentive for him not to sign, so this is entirely personal.<\/p>\n Danny and Nia finally moved to Santa Clarita, and you can see that the light behind Nia\u2019s eyes has gone out so that Danny can have a pool with a childproof fence all around it. They now have their four under 4, and Nia says she almost gave birth in the car because it took more than an hour to drive to her Los Angeles hospital. Poor thing; let her go back to civilization.<\/p>\n The biggest change is happening for Kristen Doute, who seems completely overwhelmed by becoming a mother for the first time. Her daughter\u2019s name is Kaia, and she\u2019s a baby, and someone more skilled than me can write a joke about Kaia being a Gerber baby just like Kaia Gerber. It\u2019s been three months, and Kristen has left the house only once. She says she can be a mother, and that\u2019s all she\u2019s capable of. She meets Nia for a coffee date that is only blocks away from her house, and she arrives late, frazzled, confused, and panicked. I am not a person with any child-raising experience, and normally, if I saw two women with their strollers in a coffee shop, I would roll my eyes about how much room they\u2019re taking up, how their strollers impose on everyone, how no one wants to hear their babies cry, and how they should just go home. That all changed thanks to Kristen. Seeing this woman that I have followed for a decade just not be able to cope and who just wants to have a coffee with her friend and gossip (doing her job) made me so much more sympathetic to every woman who has the strength to even leave the house with a newborn, that my eyes, like a sober raver, will never roll again.<\/p>\n Luke is having a hard time with the transition because he\u2019s not having any sex with Kristen. Okay, I get it, but I have a hard (hehe) time with this. Yes, you want to fuck your partner, but also, dude, can\u2019t you download a nice video from Denise Richards\u2019s OnlyFans, take a few puffs off a joint, and settle down for a good 30 minutes with yourself and some lotion? No one does you as dirty as you do yourself. Can\u2019t that be enough until Kristen is back in the mood? Just like Schwartz has been \u201cmaster dating\u201d to focus on his self-love, can\u2019t Luke, you know, just spank this particular monkey for a few more months?<\/p>\n Speaking of Luke jerking off, the funniest part of the whole episode is when Lala tells Kristen and Luke that her mother says that her new daughter, Sosa (which looks less like a name than a typo), is the spitting image of Luke. Then Luke says that he actually donated sperm to the same cryobank where Lala got her donor. We then revisit the Vanderpump Rules episode where Lala had her sperm-donor party<\/a> and, yes, two of the donors sound suspiciously like Luke. The editors give us a side-by-side of Luke and Sosa, and, honestly, I see it! I would pick Luke as my sperm donor, too! He\u2019s handsome, smart, fit, and low-key, and he doesn\u2019t have a history of asthma or fallen arches. What is not to like? What strange karmic justice that Lala would end up with Kristen as her baby\u2019s stepmama.<\/p>\n Yes, Lala is around this season full-time, as is Tom Schwartz, who talks about how his life fell apart: He got divorced and lost his bar and all of his money and is now starting to get his Schwartz back. Spaceballs jokes, ftw! I know that he\u2019s as limp as two-day-old Cup O\u2019 Noodles, but I will always have a soft spot for Schwartz. (According to Katie, he is soft for most people, too<\/a>.) At Kristen and Nia\u2019s sip-and-see, he flirts with Michelle at the bar and essentially asks her out on a date. I don\u2019t know if I believe this pairing at all. Schwartz studied at Lisa Vanderpump Reality University for 11 years. He knows to go in with a story line, no matter how heavy-handed, and see it through for the whole season. This is a man who showed up with a briefcase full of $1 bills to pay LVP<\/a> for his share in Tom Tom. He knows TV needs a little shove now and again, but sadly, his mentor was, well, a little bit clumsy.<\/p>\n The one person we haven\u2019t checked in with is Janet, whom Nia has blocked on all platforms, including WikiFeet, and whom Kristen never wants to see again. Apparently before the season started filming, Brittany invited all the ladies and their kids over to go swimming. She told Kristen that Janet probably wouldn\u2019t be there, and then Janet showed up. Janet was greeted by Kristen, who said that she didn\u2019t belong there and that she should leave. Janet got right back in her car and had to deal with a disappointed and screaming child all the way home who just wanted to swim in a pool with his friends and not have to deal with the damn drama. This is clearly Jason\u2019s kid. (Speaking of which, Jason wasn\u2019t in the episode, which was odd.)<\/p>\n Janet, Michelle, Brittany, and Lala meet for dinner, and Janet tells Brittany that she was hurt by what happened. Lala asks Brittany why she didn\u2019t step in and say anything. Thank you! Brittany is now the center of this friend group. She\u2019s going to need to start taking sides or at least do a better job at playing referee. As Janet says, Brittany easily could have told Kristen it\u2019s not the time or the place and to just ignore her and try to have fun dropping the kids off at the pool. (Not like that.) Brittany\u2019s defense is that she was just floored and is too much of a people pleaser, but maybe she should have done a better job telling Kristen in advance that if Janet does show up to just try to be cool. I was actually feeling sorry for Janet and was on her side, but then on her shopping trip with Lala, she says that Nia would rather block her than deal with whatever is happening with her husband, so Janet is not giving it up and not learning from her mistakes, and she just wants to relitigate everything that happened last season. Great \u2026<\/p>\n Luckily for her, she might have a new villain, and that is Lacy, Jesse\u2019s new girlfriend, who wouldn\u2019t let herself be filmed at last season\u2019s finale<\/a> and shows up at the sip-and-see wearing a dress that looks like a gallon of Neapolitan ice cream that melted on a sidewalk. Jesse is upset that Michelle won\u2019t talk to Lacy about what their relationship should be like, and Michelle says, quite accurately, that is not her job. Her job is to coordinate with Jesse, and his job is to talk to his girlfriend. Just because he was obsessed with asking Aaron whether or not he cheated with Michelle does not mean Michelle needs to be as interested in communicating with Lacy just so it would make his life easier.<\/p>\n The episode ends with Michelle and Lacy having a short, perfunctory chat that Lacy was looking for and \u2026 I don\u2019t know. I\u2019ve been watching reality shows for more than two decades, and I think that I can see the mark of the devil on someone just from their first appearance. Lacy has that. Everything I know about her gives more red flags than a Chinese Olympic delegation. If there is one person she reminds me of, it is Ashley, Thomas Ravenel\u2019s girlfriend on Southern Charm<\/a>. She wants to come off as nice and reasonable, but not that far under the surface is a whole cluster of electric eels looking to shock anyone within a seven-meter radius. Michelle says that she likes to send cease-and-desist letters, which we know is why they couldn\u2019t even say her name last season. Michelle says she\u2019s unstable, that she\u2019s as chaotic as Jesse. Being with the two of them must be like putting a finger in two different electrical sockets. Honestly, I couldn\u2019t be happier to have someone new to hate.<\/p>\n Sign up for the Housewives Institute Bulletin<\/p>\n Dame Brian Moylan breaks down all the gossip and drama, on- and off-screen, for dedicated students of the Reality Television Arts and Sciences.<\/p>\n Vox Media, LLC Terms and Privacy Notice<\/p>\n
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