carcass out<\/a>) \u2014 we find out that she\u2019s essentially a kept woman. This older boyfriend not only doesn\u2019t appear onscreen, but his face is forebodingly censored in photos. They have an arrangement where he spends half the year away in Miami where he dates other people and she just has to deal with it. It\u2019s been a life of leisure for ten years, but now that she\u2019s hit 30, she\u2019s at a crossroads where she wants something more committed but knows he\u2019s not changing. It\u2019s stories like these that make me so glad women in these situations have the Real Housewives franchise as an escape route.<\/p>\nNext up, as we get acquainted with our new clam holders (and try to train our brains to tell them all apart), is Jo-Ellen, who has an interesting marital situation of her own. She met her husband, Gary, when they were in high school, but we soon find out that her older sister, Jen, was also into him before she stole him away. Alicia later alludes that there might have been more crossover there than Jo-Ellen tells us, and while she\u2019s at it teases some swinging rumors \u2014 but we have a whole season to get into that so let\u2019s pace ourselves. It\u2019s by way of Jo-Ellen that we also get the first feud of the series, between her and Rosie.<\/p>\n
Rosie is a former local newscaster who now hosts her own weekend lifestyle show called Rhode Trippin, a clip from which Jo-Ellen quickly points out only has 215 views (but to be fair, keep in mind how small Rhode Island is). She\u2019s connected to the women via Alicia, and they know each other for a sacred reason: \u201cThe girl who used to do my Botox is her best friend.\u201d Rosie has been married for a year to a man she insists is not a Frank Sinatra impersonator. Every sentence out of these women\u2019s mouths \u2014 at least the ones I can understand \u2014 is crazier than the last. I am so grateful.<\/p>\n
As a segment for her hit weekend show, Rosie is throwing a little beach picnic for some of the women, including her frenemy Jo-Ellen, who she hopes will be nicer than she usually is. She\u2019s also invited Alicia and Ashley, the latter of whom you might already be familiar with if you watched her meet her Rhode Island\u2013native husband, Jared, on Bachelor in Paradise. The couple are now influencers and the owners of a coffee shop, and Ashley seems to be struggling to find her people as an outsider in the cliquey Rhode Island community. But hey, it appears as if she\u2019s acclimating all right to the culture after arriving at the picnic with Dunkin\u2019 in tow.<\/p>\n
After interviewing the \u201cChief Salami Officer\u201d of a charcuterie company, Rosie (our generation\u2019s Walter Cronkite) welcomes the women, who waste no time getting into it at the picnic table. Jo-Ellen mentions that Kelsey is going through a lot right now, and you can almost see Rosie bookmark that information for later. They circle back to it as they play a quick game of Never Have I Ever (which reveals that Jo-Ellen has done butt stuff and a threesome \u2014 a woman of the world!), when Rosie says that she thought Kelsey was a polygamist. But even on her very first episode, Jo-Ellen is a wizened Real Housewife and doesn\u2019t bite. \u201cI don\u2019t know; you should ask her,\u201d she says, not falling for the trap.<\/p>\n
She\u2019s annoyed that Rosie is talking shit, but Rosie thinks that\u2019s ironic given how much shit Jo-Ellen was talking about her the last time they were all together, calling the wine she brought cheap and saying that she was so evil that even children wouldn\u2019t like her. \u201cI don\u2019t think I said that to your face, but I do feel that way,\u201d Jo-Ellen fires back. Oh, we\u2019ve got a show on our hands. Despite making Rosie cry with that comment (which we kind of breeze right past in a surprising way), she\u2019s still invited to Jo-Ellen\u2019s big Fourth of July party, as is Ashley, who\u2019s just happy to finally have friends.<\/p>\n
But what exactly is the Fourth of July celebrating? Jo-Ellen has no idea, and her willingness to admit that on television, once again, is promising for the future of the show. In fact, I want to see her try to describe the origin of all holidays moving forward. Determined to win the hostess over, Rosie arrives with a bouquet of fireworks and a $60 bottle of Champagne, but Liz shows up with something even more valuable: Dolores Catania.<\/p>\n
The nearly identical pair (we soon find out that they share a plastic surgeon and dentist, which explains a lot) first met at a cannabis convention, and now Dolores conveniently has a summer rental in Rhode Island that coincides with filming. The vibe I\u2019m getting from this casting is that Dolores is like the show\u2019s mentor or midwife, providing guidance to these newbie Housewives as they birth this series. And she jumps into that role seamlessly, listening intently as Jo-Ellen tells Kelsey about what was said at the picnic and helping the story along by encouraging the hostess to greet Rosie.<\/p>\n
Kelsey is clearly in the inaugural hot seat. But listen, when you join a Real Housewives cast while your boyfriend is very openly in Miami with his other girlfriend, that attention shouldn\u2019t come as a surprise. Nonetheless, she\u2019s not thrilled, but when she confronts Rosie, Rosie is able to masterfully get out of it like Luann de Lesseps slipping out of a pair of handcuffs. She was just innocently wondering, Rosie explains, before flipping the script and saying that Jo-Ellen was actually the first to bring up the hard time she\u2019s going through. These are masters at work and stars who don\u2019t need to waste any time finding their sea legs.<\/p>\n
We\u2019re just one episode in, and think about what we\u2019re already working with: a stalled nine-year engagement, reluctant polyamory, spouses related to one another, a flop lifestyle show, swinging accusations after stealing her sister\u2019s man, and an always crying Bachelor contestant. And there\u2019s still one more Housewife who we haven\u2019t even met yet, who I pray to God has a pet frog.<\/p>\n
Sign up for the Housewives Institute Bulletin<\/p>\n
Dame Brian Moylan breaks down all the gossip and drama, on- and off-screen, for dedicated students of the Reality Television Arts and Sciences.<\/p>\n
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