last week<\/a> at the coffee shop, and now she\u2019s holding back sobs as she\u2019s pushing her kids on the swings and telling Jo-Ellen her life story. She\u2019s open that the business isn\u2019t as lucrative as they hoped, but she\u2019s most upset that Jared is unhappy because he feels like he isn\u2019t bringing anything to the table. Her attempts to let him relax when he\u2019s not working mean that she\u2019s the one who has to bear the brunt when it comes to the kids, which in turn exhausts her \u2014 so it\u2019s a vicious cycle. But if we ever make it through an episode of this show without her crying, I feel like she should win a prize.<\/p>\nMeanwhile, Liz and Kelsey are getting lunch with our last clam-holder who has yet to join the party, Rulla. She\u2019s a financial planner (and one of the only female boat captains in the state) married to a podiatrist for nine years, and the other women describe her as very calm and monotone. She also bristles when Jo-Ellen\u2019s party comes up, saying that she has standing beef with Jo-Ellen because she\u2019s been stirring up rumors about her and her husband. As Liz explains, there are \u201cechoes\u201d all throughout Rhode Island that Rulla\u2019s husband Brian has a mistress, but it seems like it\u2019s more than just rumors. Jo-Ellen found photos of him cheating, and while Rulla first thought she was just being helpful, she turned on her after finding out that she was sharing them far and wide.<\/p>\n
In any case, Rulla maintains that the affair happened last summer and that he\u2019s no longer involved with her. \u201cBut he is, ma,\u201d Liz whispers to her across the table, telling her she has to drop the pride act. \u201cYou\u2019ve been through stuff with Gerry, you didn\u2019t kick him to the curb,\u201d Rulla fires back at Liz, alluding to mutual cheating between Liz and her own husband. But Rulla says her situation is different because she has kids, whereas Liz only has step-kids. Being that Liz raised Gerry\u2019s kids since they were young, she understandably takes offense at this.<\/p>\n
But let\u2019s move on to happier subjects: I am obsessed with Alicia. She arrives at Kelsey\u2019s house to smooth over what happened on the Fourth of July with just crackers in tow because the line was too long to get cheese. When the conversation turns to her aversion to driving, she says something that made me wheeze-laugh so hard that I think it truly did irreparable damage to my lung capacity. \u201cI don\u2019t like highways, I\u2019ve gotten in accidents, I ran over a woman, I\u2019ve gotten almost driven off a bridge \u2026 so I\u2019ve been there, done that with driving,\u201d she says in her confessional. I\u2019m sorry \u2014 she RAN OVER A WOMAN? The producer in the room had the same follow-up question. \u201cWhat do you mean you ran over a woman?\u201d she asks off-camera, a sentence that rings in my ears like beautiful poetry. \u201cYeah, I ran over a woman,\u201d she repeats, as if it was something that happened to her, and that\u2019s that. I have nothing but questions. Who was the woman? Is she okay? Can we get her on the cast?<\/p>\n
Luckily for Alicia and the pedestrians of Rhode Island, when the whole cast heads to a vineyard for lunch, they\u2019re driven there in a sprinter van. After a brief tour of the grapes (not tomatoes), during which Kelsey asks if ros\u00e9 is wine, they sit down for lunch to discover that there\u2019s an extra placecard. Rulla is coming, and Jo-Ellen is furious. It almost feels like we\u2019re watching her find out in real time that Rulla, her nemesis, had been cast on the show, and it\u2019s a thrilling discovery to bear witness to. Her side of the story is as follows: She found the photos that Rulla\u2019s husband\u2019s mistress posted, told Liz about them, Liz then told Rulla, Rulla then begged Jo-Ellen for the pictures and she sent them. Six months later Rulla and Brian were calling Jo-Ellen\u2019s place of work and wrote emails to her HR department trying to get her fired. She\u2019s shooting the messenger, but the messenger shoots back.<\/p>\n
Luckily for Jo-Ellen, who is visibly on edge at the news, Rulla ultimately FaceTimes to cancel. \u201cShe\u2019s not sick, she gets headaches because she\u2019s stressed out from taking too much Ozempic. Get a turkey leg from Ashley,\u201d Jo-Ellen says before the camera cuts to Ashley in her Medieval Times-like corset. Jo-Ellen versus Rosie was a cute little frenemy situation, but Jo-Ellen versus Rulla? Oh, these are two women at war.<\/p>\n
And speaking of war, as they enjoy their lunch, Kelsey utters the five seemingly innocent words that are the Real Housewives equivalent of launching a nuke: \u201cI have a little game.\u201d If a Real Housewife ever invites you to play a \u201cgame,\u201d run. Sure enough, her idea (or rather, production\u2019s idea) of a game involves them all having to answer anonymous questions from the other women about various rumors. Ashley reveals she lost her virginity when she was pushing 30, Alicia denies ever hooking up with Jo-Ellen\u2019s husband, Rosie denies that she ever had an affair with some unnamed basketball coach, and Jo-Ellen denies being a swinger \u2014 though admits having had a threesome and says Rhode Island does have a rich swinging culture. Put it on the pamphlets!<\/p>\n
As for Kelsey, she denies ever being in a polygamist relationship, but in the same breath admits that she is dating someone else while her boyfriend is in Miami. She presents this as if it\u2019s the most conventional thing in the world. Rosie does some research to help wrap her head around Kelsey\u2019s game of semantics, and informs us that \u201cpolygamy\u201d is if you\u2019re married, so technically what Kelsey is doing would be considered polyamory.<\/p>\n
Last up is a bit of friendly fire, with Alicia using her anonymous question to ask about the rumor of Liz having her own boy on the side. Liz not only denies this \u2014 explaining to us that she simply has a male best friend who keeps her company during her husband\u2019s long fishing trips \u2014 but gets upset at Alicia for even asking it. But Alicia makes it clear that she knows it\u2019s not true, she\u2019s just asking so Liz can get ahead of it and set the record straight. Liz doesn\u2019t necessarily see it that way, but I don\u2019t think anybody should pick a fight with Alicia unless they want to get run over.<\/p>\n
Let\u2019s just take a moment to appreciate the sheer amount of material we\u2019re working with already. There are so many different rumors (or \u201cechoes\u201d) about these women that by episode two we\u2019ve already had to sit down and do a lightning round to get through them all. These are professionals at work, and I\u2019m perhaps most excited to report that I can already tell them all apart (mostly).<\/p>\n
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