Dear Roe,<\/p>\n
My wife won\u2019t encourage the kids to sleep in their own rooms. We have two children under seven, and a new baby on the way. Every night, both the children sleep in our bed \u2013 and I am kicked out to sleep in the guest room. I have slept in my own bed about once a month for the last year. When they were younger they would sleep in their own room: even at the age of nine months, they would sleep in their cot and occasionally come over. But last year I was away for work for an extended period and they then got into the habit of sleeping in our room every night. I feel this has removed intimacy. I feel like it isn\u2019t my room any more. I also worry about development of the kids. I have voiced my concerns to my wife, but she says she loves the close bond and they\u2019re only young for a short time. I counter that if every kid sleeps in the bed until over the age of seven, that isn\u2019t a short time, that\u2019s over a decade.<\/p>\n
It sounds like you feel very lonely, deprioritised and even unwelcome in your own bedroom, which is really difficult and painful. Your requests to keep your bedroom for you and your wife so that you can feel welcome and comfortable in your own bedroom and have some time together keep being rebuffed \u2013 and that\u2019s a very difficult place to be. I understand that you feel frustrated over the bedroom issue specifically, but what I think is going to be much more helpful than debating child development or arguing over your wife\u2019s nightly choices is to have some open, attentive and vulnerable conversations about how you\u2019re both feeling in the relationship, how you\u2019re feeling about the arrival of the new baby, and how you want to stay connected during this intense period of your family\u2019s growth. <\/p>\n
I would suggest scheduling a few evenings over the next while after the children are in (whichever) bed where you can have some uninterrupted time to talk. Tell your wife that you\u2019d really like some time to reconnect and check in before the baby arrives, and make it a priority. Setting the tone will be important, as you both want to enter the conversation with the time and head space to really hear each other, and a desire to listen empathetically. Have a dinner or a non-alcoholic drink, with phones off, and frame it as a loving conversation. Tell your wife you love her, you want to feel connected to her and have some things you\u2019d like to talk about \u2013 and also remain very curious about her experience. This is about getting on the same page and feeling like a team again.<\/p>\n
You mention that you were away for a long time for work, and I wonder what that was like for your wife, who was at home with the children and got used to sleeping with them. I absolutely understand and appreciate that you were working to help support your family, but solo parenting two children is a huge amount of work. I presume out of necessity your wife had to adjust to you being away and also form some routines and rhythms with the children, both for their sake and hers. Being expected to suddenly change them upon your return might have been difficult for her.<\/p>\n
I would also hazard a guess that with the impending arrival of the new baby, your wife is aware that everyone\u2019s routines are going to be disrupted for a while, and so she\u2019s either trying to have some quality time with your two eldest children before the baby arrives, or trying not make them feel utterly disrupted now, before their usual habits inevitably are.<\/p>\n
This isn\u2019t to say your wife\u2019s choices are necessarily the only way or the correct way of doing things, but I think it will be helpful to discuss what life was like for her when you were away, how it has been readjusting to having you home, how she\u2019s feeling about the new baby arriving, and what it means to her to have your two children sleep in bed with her now. Ask her about these issues, and listen.<\/p>\n
[\u00a0We\u2019re married with three kids and have had sex once in the past yearOpens in new window<\/a>\u00a0]<\/p>\n Then tell her what it was like for you to be away; how it\u2019s felt for you to not feel welcome in your shared bed; what it\u2019s like to not feel like you have your own space in the house; and how it feels like your parenting decisions aren\u2019t being respected, even when you\u2019ve both agreed on a plan. Make this not about criticising her, but about sharing how the children always sleeping in your bed and you being sent to the guest room makes you feel.<\/p>\n It might also help to acknowledge that the baby will obviously be a huge demand on everyone\u2019s time and energy, and tell her that you\u2019d like to stay as connected as possible during this time, and that starting from this place of disconnection feels difficult. Ask her about how she envisions the bedroom arrangement and having some time together working in practice when the baby arrives. Also ask her whether she\u2019d like to really invest in some quality family time and couple time now, in these last few weeks. Can you plan some nice things for all of you to do together, and can you take the kids out to give her some free time? If quality time as a family is really emphasised during the day, it might be easier for her to feel okay letting the kids sleep in their own beds at night.<\/p>\n