Analysis: The Irish goodbye may be a no-no for many, but leaving without saying goodbye might be the healthiest decision you make all evening<\/p>\n
By Trudy Meehan<\/a>, RCSI<\/a><\/p>\n Whether you call it an Irish goodbye<\/a>, French leave<\/a> or filer \u00e0 l’anglaise<\/a> (leave in the English style), as the French prefer, the act of quietly slipping out of a party without fanfare is a familiar social impulse. The Brazilians called it sair \u00e0 francesa (French style) and the Germans a Polnischer Abgang (Polish departure).<\/p>\n Whatever name it goes by, the concept is the same: one moment you’re there, the next you\u2019ve vanished into the night without a drawn-out round of explanations, hugs and promises to catch up soon. The pattern is telling: every culture has a term for it, and every culture blames someone else. That collective deflection suggests we already know, on some level, that slipping out unannounced is a social transgression.<\/p>\n But for those of us with anxiety, that silent exit isn\u2019t rudeness. While etiquette traditionalists will probably insist that leaving without saying goodbye is a social no-no, some psychologists argue that it\u2019s a coping strategy. Here\u2019s why sneaking out without saying goodbye might be the healthiest decision you make all evening.<\/p>\n We need your consent to load this rte-player contentWe use rte-player to manage extra content that can set cookies on your device and collect data about your activity. Please review their details and accept them to load the content.Manage Preferences<\/a><\/p>\n From RT\u00c9 Radio 1’s Supercharged with Anna Geary, psychologist Dr Odhr\u00e1n McCarthy from Social Anxiety Ireland discusses social anxiety<\/p>\n When you break it down \u2013 and let\u2019s be honest, those of us who are anxious, introverted, neurodivergent or dealing with chronic illness have all broken this down into agonising detailed steps \u2013 saying goodbye is a loaded cultural ritual. It\u2019s a performance that demands<\/a> a high degree of social skill, accuracy and nuance.<\/p>\n Goodbyes are high-demand situations and, sadly, by the end of a social occasion, many of us are already depleted and don\u2019t have the energy to handle all the steps involved<\/a>. For many of us, socialising can mean feeling overwhelmed<\/a>, constantly monitoring<\/a> how we come across, trying to fit into other people’s expectations<\/a>, comparing ourselves to others<\/a> and worrying about rejection<\/a>. It can be exhausting to feel like you\u2019re constantly trying to act like your best version of normal<\/a>.<\/p>\n When socialising means constantly adapting yourself to other people’s expectations, the healthy choice becomes using your last bit of energy to recharge<\/a> and take care of yourself<\/a>. Don\u2019t leave the party completely drained with nothing left to recover with<\/a>.<\/p>\n We need your consent to load this rte-player contentWe use rte-player to manage extra content that can set cookies on your device and collect data about your activity. Please review their details and accept them to load the content.Manage Preferences<\/a><\/p>\n From RT\u00c9 Radio 1’s Morning Ireland, how anxiety stress and isolation are key issues for young people<\/p>\n Sometimes we want to leave quietly because leaving loudly feels like shouting out: “I matter! Look at me, I\u2019m leaving!” The fact is, many of us sit with the belief that we don’t really matter that much<\/a>, so we don\u2019t say goodbye because we don\u2019t feel we are worth the performance.<\/p>\n Sometimes a silent exit is about self-respect, minding your energy reserves, even if you really enjoyed the evening<\/a>. At other times, though, it\u2019s an act of self-erasure. You leave without saying goodbye because you think no one will care, that you don\u2019t matter enough to make a fuss when leaving.<\/p>\n Leaving quietly can become a way to protect yourself<\/a> from the discomfort of saying goodbye, but the quiet exit cuts both ways. Ask yourself whether leaving without a word made your life bigger \u2013 you conserved enough energy to recover and you\u2019re glad to go back next time \u2013 or whether it shrank it<\/a>, adding another reason to avoid socialising altogether.<\/p>\n Knowing our limits and being open about them, when possible, doesn’t weaken connection \u2013 it helps create relationships that feel real and sustainable.<\/p>\n If you are going to pick apart your goodbye and negatively assess it, the next goodbye will feel even harder. Be careful to reality-test your post-event ruminations. It\u2019s usually not as bad as you think, especially if you are assessing your performance through the distorting lens of anxiety<\/a>.<\/p>\n The healthiest choice of all<\/p>\n There is always a tension between wanting to belong and wanting to be yourself<\/a>. If saying goodbye starts to feel so pressured and so performed that you lose any sense of being authentic, then the connection is starting to cost more than it’s worth.<\/p>\n If you feel like you need to be a chameleon to survive the complexities of socialising<\/a>, the healthiest choice is to find a way to be who you really are. Find a way to tell your friends and family that leaving quietly is something you need because of how your nervous system and psychology are made, and not a reflection of the relationship. Research shows<\/a> that being your truest self and having the best social connections go hand in hand.<\/p>\n We need your consent to load this rte-player contentWe use rte-player to manage extra content that can set cookies on your device and collect data about your activity. Please review their details and accept them to load the content.Manage Preferences<\/a><\/p>\n From RT\u00c9 Radio 1’s Brendan O’Connor, psychotherapist Richard Hogan on happiness and how to achieve it <\/p>\n If you are neurodivergent, being open about what you need can feel like a risk, but it can also be a way to find acceptance, support and understanding<\/a> when you let people know what you need and like. If you\u2019re anxious, it\u2019s worth letting your host know in advance that you might need to slip away quietly. Otherwise, there\u2019s a risk that people will read it the wrong way, as coldness or indifference, say.<\/p>\n Get ahead of it<\/a> by letting people know you\u2019ll leave without saying goodbye, and that you\u2019re grateful to have been invited. Anxious people aren\u2019t bad at relationships. Relationships just work better when everyone understands<\/a> the other person\u2019s needs.<\/p>\n Less is more<\/p>\n There\u2019s a growing idea that being choosy about your social life isn\u2019t antisocial \u2013 some psychologists call it “selective sociality<\/a>“. Picking your moments carefully means you have more to give when it counts. The goal isn\u2019t to retreat, but to invest in deeper relationships and in real presence, rather than the hollow churn of online contact \u2013 unless it supports meaningful connection<\/a>.<\/p>\n In a world where being seen to do the right thing has begun to outweigh doing the right thing<\/a>, selective sociality offers a way forward. Knowing our limits and being open about them, when possible, doesn\u2019t weaken connection \u2013 it helps create relationships that feel real and sustainable.<\/p>\n If sneaking out without a fuss makes it more likely you will go to the next party, then it\u2019s a choice for more social connection and therefore your health<\/a>.<\/p>\n Follow RT\u00c9 Brainstorm on WhatsApp<\/a> and Instagram<\/a> for more stories and updates<\/p>\n Trudy Meehan<\/a> is a lecturer for the Centre for Positive Psychology and Health at RCSI<\/a>. This article was originally published by The Conversation<\/a>.<\/p>\n The views expressed here are those of the author and do not represent or reflect the views of RT\u00c9<\/p>\n