So me and Ronan swing out to \u2013 believe it or not \u2013 Bray, just to see how my old man is getting on. I\u2019ve a bet with him that he won\u2019t last the summer living out there and I like to check on my investment from time to time.<\/p>\n
We walk into Second Shot Roasters on \u2013 yeah, no \u2013 Quinsboro Road and the old man is sitting in the corner with his new sidepiece, we\u2019re talking Bernie, the mother of Claire from Bray of all places.<\/p>\n
\u201cRonan!\u201d the old man goes at the top of his voice. \u201cKicker! How wonderful to see you both!\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cYour accent is up and down like a focked umbrella,\u201d working my mind games on him. \u201cWait\u2019ll they hear that in the Horseshoe Bor.\u201d<\/p>\n
He\u2019s there, \u201cI think the sea air out here is doing me good, Ross.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cI remember the time you were asked in an interview: what is man\u2019s greatest invention? And you said\u2013\u201d<\/p>\n
He turns to Bernie and goes, \u201cI have no memory of this.\u201d<\/p>\n
And I\u2019m there, \u201cThe Bray Bypass.\u201d<\/p>\n
He\u2019s like, \u201cThat would have been intended as a joke. No, life out here is wonderful \u2026 with my dear, dear Bernie. Although I\u2019ll admit, I did think it\u2019d be a hell of a lot harder.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh! As the actress said to the bishop!\u201d Bernie goes.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s Eddie. Eddie O\u2019Kelly. He spent 15 years in jail for, like, ormed robbery<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u00a0Claire<\/p>\n
All of a sudden, Claire and Garret from \u2013 yeah, no \u2013 Greystones of all places arrive over. He\u2019s got a smirk on his face that looks like it\u2019d have to be removed by a surgeon.<\/p>\n
\u201cRoss,\u201d he tries to go, \u201cgracing us with your presence again, I see?\u201d<\/p>\n
Because that\u2019s the type he is.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cDon\u2019t flatter yourself. I only came out here to tell my old man that my cor insurance is due \u2013 seeing as he hasn\u2019t got time to read texts these days.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ronan, by the way, is staring at the barista, a dude with a shaved head and tattoo sleeves. <\/p>\n
He\u2019s like, \u201cI know that fedda.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cNo surprise there. All the staff here are ex-offenders.\u201d<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cIne throying to figure out hows I knows um.\u201d<\/p>\n
Claire\u2019s like, \u201cThat\u2019s Eddie. Eddie O\u2019Kelly. He spent 15 years in jail for, like, ormed robbery.\u201d<\/p>\n
Garret goes, \u201cPeople come to us because we believe that even former criminals deserve a second chance in life.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPlus, no one else will hire them,\u201d Claire goes, \u201cso they\u2019ll work for half-nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cMine\u2019s a latte, seeing as you\u2019re asking. Make it hot and frothy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh! As the actress said to the bishop!\u201d Bernie goes.<\/p>\n
At the same time, she\u2019s doing something under the table. I look down and I notice that she\u2019s counting a wad of cash \u2013 we\u2019re talking 50s and 20s \u2013 on her right thigh. <\/p>\n
\u201cGelly O\u2019Kelly!\u201d Ronan suddenly goes. \u201cIne arthur remembering him. He\u2019s Arelunt\u2019s greatest ebber safecracker!\u201d<\/p>\n
The dude ends up hearing him and he sort of, like, smiles in a, \u201cYou guys!\u201d sort of way. <\/p>\n
Ronan\u2019s like, \u201cDo you know what I think is a teddible shame? This countroddy has produced some of the finest criminoddle minds in the wurdled \u2013 and yet there\u2019s no Irish Gangster Museumt.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cWhere\u2019d you get the money, Bernie?\u201d<\/p>\n
And she glowers at me, then under her breath goes, \u201cNever you fooken mind.\u201d<\/p>\n
The old man\u2019s like, \u201cAn Irish Gangster Museum!\u201d because he thinks Ronan is a genius. <\/p>\n
Ronan\u2019s there, \u201cYeah, you go to New York, Cheerlie, or Chicago, or addy of them places, and thee\u2019ll hab a museumt, cebedrating the city\u2019s criminoddle past. Think of the feddas we\u2019ve produced oaber the years \u2013 and there\u2019s nothing for them.\u201d<\/p>\n
All of a sudden, the famous Gelly O\u2019Kelly arrives over with our coffees.<\/p>\n
\u201cIne a major fan,\u201d Ronan goes, blushing, like me around Tadhg Furlong. \u201cGrandda, this is the fedda what blew the safe in Kean\u2019s Jeweller\u2019s warehouse \u2013 out be the airport. Thee said the safe was uncrackable. But Gelly here had it open inside of tedden midutes \u2013 am I right, Gelly?\u201d<\/p>\n
Gelly smiles modestly to himself, like I do when someone brings up, for instance, a try I scored for Castlerock College back in the day.<\/p>\n
The dude goes, \u201cYou know, I\u2019m not proud of what I did.\u201d<\/p>\n
No one is going to call the cops, so long as you give it back<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u00a0Claire<\/p>\n
Ronan\u2019s there, \u201cWell, you should be. We all should be \u2013 as a nation. Heeyor, Ine thinking of steerting up an Irish Gangster Museumt. Would you hab athin for it? Your police mugshots, addy timing devices you nebber got around to using \u2013 athin you could gib me.\u201d<\/p>\n
The dude sort of, like, laughs to himself at Ronan\u2019s \u2013 it might be a word \u2013 naiveness?\u201d<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cYeah, I robbed Kean\u2019s Jewellers. And I robbed the Bank of Ireland in Swords and the Ulster Bank in Crumlin.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ronan\u2019s there, \u201cIne goddda hab a wing of the museumt called When Cash Was King.\u201d<\/p>\n
Gelly\u2019s like, \u201cBut do you know something? Robbing money didn\u2019t give me more than a minute\u2019s happiness.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ronan\u2019s there, \u201cYou\u2019re being modest now. And you\u2019ve no reason to be.\u201d<\/p>\n
The dude goes, \u201cI\u2019m serious. Nothing in my criminal career gave me as much joy as making those coffees for you just now.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ronan\u2019s there, \u201cAre you only pretending to go straight \u2013 so as you can fly unther the radar while you\u2019re pladding yisser next job?\u201d<\/p>\n
He laughs. He\u2019s like, \u201cNo, I\u2019m finished with all of that. These good people have given me a second chance and I full intend to\u2013\u201d<\/p>\n
All of a sudden, I hear Claire go, \u201cOh! My God! Oh! My actual? God?\u201d<\/p>\n
Garret\u2019s like, \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n
And she goes, \u201cWhere\u2019s all the money gone? There was \u20ac700 in the till!\u201d<\/p>\n
Of course, every set of eyes in the room turns to the famous Gelly O\u2019Kelly. So much for second chances.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d he goes. \u201cYou think it was me what took it?\u201d<\/p>\n
Claire\u2019s there, \u201cNo one\u2019s accusing you of anything. It\u2019s just that, well, if you did take it by accident \u2013 muscle memory or whatever \u2013 no one is going to call the cops, so long as you give it back.\u201d<\/p>\n
The dude takes off his apron and goes, \u201cTalk about giving a dog a bad name,\u201d and then he\u2019s like, \u201cFook this bleaten job,\u201d and he scrunches his apron up in a ball and throws it at Claire, then storms out.<\/p>\n
Ronan follows him outside, going, \u201cGelly, Ine godda need a curator if you\u2019re looking for woork.\u201d<\/p>\n
I glower at Bernie and I\u2019m about to tell everyone that it was her who took the moo when she digs her nails into my thigh and hisses at me: \u201cYou\u2019ll keep your fooken mouth zipped, Rosser.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"So me and Ronan swing out to \u2013 believe it or not \u2013 Bray, just to see how…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":509229,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[61,60,709,42327,80],"class_list":["post-509228","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-technology","tag-ie","tag-ireland","tag-magazine","tag-ross-o-carroll-kelly","tag-technology"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/509228","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=509228"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/509228\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/509229"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=509228"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=509228"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=509228"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}