So \u2013 yeah, no \u2013 I\u2019m sitting outside in the sun, sucking on a stick of Heinemite and drawing up my shortlist for this year\u2019s Rossies, which are basically a bunch of awards that I give out to the Leinster players who\u2019ve impressed me most during the season. Obviously not literally. The players know fock-all about it, although I did mention it to Leo Cullen one night in La Bodega in Ranelagh, but I had drink on me at the time and none of the players turned up in The Bridge the night I told him I\u2019d be naming the winners. <\/p>\n
Their loss, in fairness.<\/p>\n
Anyway, I\u2019ve got a shortlist of five scribbled down for Player of the Year, Try of the Year and Most Stylish Dresser of the Year, when I suddenly catch the smell of cigor smoke in my nostrils. I turn around and Hennessy is standing behind my sun lounger, a Romeo y Julieta the size of a can of tennis balls burning between his teeth. I end up getting a serious fright.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cThe fock, Dude? How do you not make any sound when you walk?\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m thinking, maybe he\u2019s discovered some way to silence his feet. I know he doesn\u2019t have any fingerprints because I was there when Ronan burned them off for him using hydrochloric acid after I made the mistake of letting him do his transition year work placement in Hennessy\u2019s office. <\/p>\n
The dude goes, \u201cWhat are you doing? That the Rossies?\u201d<\/p>\n
I end up trying to slam my Rugby Tactics Book closed, except Hennessy\u2019s too quick for me. He jams his hand between the pages. <\/p>\n
\u201cDick Move of the Year?\u201d he goes. \u201cWho\u2019s on the shortlist?\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cRight now, I\u2019ve only got Whoever Allowed James Lowe to Leave.\u201d<\/p>\n
He\u2019s like, \u201cYou know we tried to stop it? Your father and me told the branch that we\u2019d put up the money to keep him, but they didn\u2019t want to deal with us.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cThey\u2019d need asbestos gloves to handle your money, it\u2019s that focking hot.\u201d<\/p>\n
And he laughs \u2013 he actually laughs. It\u2019s all very weird.<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cAsbestos gloves! I\u2019ll remember that one! You know, we ought to try and make the Rossies a thing.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI mean, a proper night of awards,\u201d he goes. \u201cWe could book The Great Room in the Shelbourne. I\u2019ll sponsor the whole thing.\u201d<\/p>\n
You ruined so many Christmases for me<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u00a0Ross<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cWhy are you being weird?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAm I being weird?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re smiling for one thing. I haven\u2019t seen you smile since, well, ever.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIs it so unbelievable that I\u2019d be happy to see you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHonestly? Yeah, it is. You\u2019ve never liked me.\u201d<\/p>\n
He actually laughs at that.<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cOf course I like you! You\u2019re my godson!\u201d as if that went automatically?<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cDude, I\u2019ve seen the photographs of my christening. You brought a hooker to it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI think \u2018sex worker\u2019 is the term they prefer nowadays. If we\u2019re being pedantic, though, she was an exotic dancer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe was standing at the baptismal font. Next to you. You had lipstick all over your face.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHappy times.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, no, for you, maybe.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCome on, Ross, we had great fun together when you were a kid.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDid we?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou idolised me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI remember you used to call around every December and tell me to pick out anything I wanted from the Argos catalogue.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI remember it well.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou never actually bought me any of the things I picked out.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, it taught you a valuable lesson. Don\u2019t expect anything out of life. Because the world will kick you in the nuts just for being born.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou ruined so many Christmases for me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt made you mean. And meanness made you the rugby player you very nearly could have been.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cYeah, no, thanks,\u201d because he has a way of sweet-talking me. \u201cActually, no, it\u2019s a nice thing for me to hear \u2013 a big, big confidence boost \u2013 but what the fock do you want? Why are you even here?\u201d<\/p>\n
You\u2019d have to have a seriously hord hort not to be worried about him<\/p>\n
He finally comes clean.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m worried about Charlie,\u201d he goes.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cMy old man? Er, why?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s living in Bray with a woman named Bernie. You want me to go on?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, no, I reckon he\u2019s just on the rebound from the old dear.\u201d<\/p>\n
He\u2019s like, \u201cYou know she\u2019s got a sheet as long as\u2013?\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cYours?\u201d<\/p>\n
And he goes, \u201cNot quite that long, no. But long enough. Handling stolen property. Possession of cannabis with intent to supply. Shoplifting.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cIt\u2019s Bray. I\u2019ve been making the case for flooding it for how many years now? Let the sea at it.\u201d<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cPeople are worried about him. And it\u2019s not just because of the company he\u2019s keeping. He\u2019s changed since he moved to Bray.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cAre you talking about the accent? Yeah, no, it\u2019s up and down like the price of diesel.\u201d<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cWorse than that. Look, it\u2019s better you hear it from me than from someone else. He turned up in Portmornock Golf Club yesterday \u2013 wearing a Dryrobe.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cExcuse me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, you heard me right.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJesus Christ.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA Dryrobe,\u201d he goes. \u201cInstead of his camel hair coat.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat the actual\u2013?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen I asked about it, he said he\u2019d been \u2013 get this \u2013 sea-swimming.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSea-swimming? In the sea off Bray?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe refused to take the Dryrobe off in the bar. Now there\u2019s a motion down to have him thrown out of Portmornock.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cThat would be the ultimate humiliation,\u201d and bear in mind he went to jail for planning corruption.<\/p>\n
Hennessy goes, \u201cRoss, you have to save him from himself.\u201d<\/p>\n
All of a sudden, I hear a voice behind me go, \u201cHennessy! What the hell are you doing here?\u201d<\/p>\n
I turn around and there\u2019s the old man, standing in \u2013 yeah, no \u2013 a humungous Dryrobe, the colour of a focking fire engine. You\u2019d have to have a seriously hord hort not to be worried about him.<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cI just popped in, Kicker, to see if you\u2019d announced the shortlist for the Rossies yet!\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"So \u2013 yeah, no \u2013 I\u2019m sitting outside in the sun, sucking on a stick of Heinemite and…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":532267,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[61,60,709,42327,80],"class_list":["post-532266","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-technology","tag-ie","tag-ireland","tag-magazine","tag-ross-o-carroll-kelly","tag-technology"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/532266","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=532266"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/532266\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/532267"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=532266"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=532266"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=532266"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}