\u2018Can I do anything to help?\u201d I ask the hostess at a recent social event. <\/p>\n
\u201cOh, could you pour out the wine, please?\u201d she responded, indicating a tray of glasses and three bottles of opened red wine on the kitchen table. <\/p>\n
\u201cNo, I\u2019d prefer not to, if you don\u2019t mind.\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cNo, sorry, of course not.\u201d <\/p>\n
I hadn\u2019t told this woman my situation regarding alcohol, yet she responded as if she knew, which was fortunate. No need for explanations.<\/p>\n
The social event was a film club, and the film chosen was Babette\u2019s Feast. <\/p>\n
My suffering was to continue. <\/p>\n
Apart from an endive salad, every course served contained alcohol \u2013 this was a French feast after all. Despite references to Veuve Clicquot 1860 and Clos de Vougeot 1845, I found myself laughing thanks to a wonderful script and humorous dialogue. And despite its austere background and inclement weather, there was a great deal of joy in the film, including an aria from Mozart\u2019s Don Giovanni.<\/p>\n
La ci darem la mano was sung by one of the sisters and her suitor. <\/p>\n
Maybe I should have just said, \u201cYes, of course\u201d, when asked to pour the wine? I wonder if I could do that another time?<\/p>\n
But I was afraid to.<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t trust myself.<\/p>\n
There are those struggling with alcohol abuse who wouldn\u2019t mind pouring copious glasses of wine with no threat to their sobriety. For me, it felt triggering and I didn\u2019t want to do it. Triggers are individual to us. Some can\u2019t allow themselves to be around alcohol to the extent that alcohol would not be available in their house. Others, like me, do have alcohol in their homes. I wonder if I will ever get to a place , if asked to pour wine, I could do it without the angst?<\/p>\n
I used to be such a drama queen \u2013 I told myself it was the continental side of me. It wasn\u2019t; it was just me being a drama queen. Being in denial is a horrible place to be. A lot of my life would have been spent there. It\u2019s not a nice place to be. Albeit late in the day, I found the key to escape. The new venue is better for me, but others are not happy about my relocation.<\/p>\n
When I went into rehab, I thought it was to help me control alcohol \u2013 I can never control alcohol. Ha, I even thought that if I stopped drinking for a year, I could relearn to drink like a normal person. This had brought its own problems. People don\u2019t like it when you set up boundaries. Once able to roam free in an open field, they now find themselves surrounded by fences. Yes, change is hard for everyone. But for me, worth the pain I went through to get to the other side. <\/p>\n
When I heard the sentence, \u2018Relapse is a part of recovery\u2019, I didn\u2019t like it. I wish I\u2019d never heard it<\/p>\n
I never envisaged life would be so hard. When I was a little girl, my dreams were like those of most little girls \u2013 fall in love, marry and live happily ever after. But if I didn\u2019t even like myself, how could I like anyone ? I took the circuitous route to happiness, ignoring all the short cuts along the way, thinking they were not meant for me.<\/p>\n
Happiness is not something sitting on a shelf in a supermarket waiting to be bought, nor is something you buy online and have delivered to your home. It\u2019s not even something wrapped up prettily in a box with a velvet ribbon. It is buried deep inside ourselves, waiting to be discovered.<\/p>\n
How could I be happy when I didn\u2019t know who I was?<\/p>\n
I would tend to take on the persona of the person I was with at a particular time. If the person liked classical music, so did I. If the person liked rock music, so did I. I didn\u2019t know it was all right to like both. I tried to impress everyone I met. If the person didn\u2019t see through me and still thought I was worth spending time with, I would sabotage the relationship, believing I wasn\u2019t good enough. I wasn\u2019t even aware I was doing it. It\u2019s no wonder I was angry all the time.<\/p>\n
My teenage years, full of angst and turmoil searching for my identity, lasted beyond their natural life. One of the many drawbacks of staying a teenager long after its expiry date is the lack of maturity to make decisions. I couldn\u2019t trust myself, so I had to follow others like a sheep. This was what caused me to wait before I admitted myself to rehab. I was told I should just stop. I had no discipline. Just have two, maybe three glasses, and stop. What\u2019s so difficult about that? <\/p>\n
Everything. I couldn\u2019t do it. <\/p>\n
I knew I couldn\u2019t stop drinking on my own, but it was only when I told my doctor how much I was drinking and she suggested that I go to an addiction psychiatrist that the decision was taken out of my hands. <\/p>\n
I\u2019ve discovered it\u2019s very hard to win respect when it\u2019s lost. It\u2019s made me question why. Is it discomfort on the part of the other person? I have self-respect and self-esteem, and I have no intention of giving them up because someone else doesn\u2019t share my opinion. I worked too hard for it.<\/p>\n