All of Ronan\u2019s old mates are there. We\u2019re talking Buckets of Blood. We\u2019re talking Stacks of Money. We\u2019re talking Nudger. We\u2019re talking Gull.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s actually Stacks of Money who sidles up to me as I\u2019m watching Ronan across the room, chatting to Paul Reynolds from RT\u00c9.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou must be veddy proud of him,\u201d he goes.<\/p>\n
Yeah, no, it\u2019s the opening night of Ronan\u2019s new Irish Gangland Museum on Capel Street and the place is packed to the literally rafters.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cIt\u2019s not what any father wants for his son, Stacks. What are you doing here anyway? Ronan said you weren\u2019t allowed to associate with known criminals under the terms of your temporary release. This entire event is a parole violation.\u201d<\/p>\n
He laughs at that one, in fairness to him. Then a minute later, after he\u2019s focked off, I hear him quoting the line to some random dude with an ear missing: \u201cSee the fedda who\u2019s dressed like he sailed here on a bleaten boat? That\u2019s Ronan\u2019s auld fedda. Says he to me, \u2018This entire event is a parole violation!\u2019 And the fooken posh voice on him as he\u2019s saying it!\u201d<\/p>\n
I spot Kennet, Ronan\u2019s father-in-law, arriving late. I try to avoid eye contact with him, except he\u2019s straight over. He goes, \u201cHow\u2019s things, Rosser? You must be veddy proud.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cI wish people would stop saying that to me. My son has opened a museum celebrating the kind of criminality that I\u2019ve spent the last 20 years trying to steer him away from. Speaking of criminality, how\u2019s your family?\u201d<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cThey\u2019re all super-dooper, Rosser. Shadden and her mutter are over there if you want to cub oaber and say hello.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cNot really, no.\u201d<\/p>\n
There\u2019s something different about the dude that I can\u2019t quite put my finger on? Then I suddenly cop it. It\u2019s his Taylor Keith. They\u2019re like Chiclets. The summer holiday in Turkey makes sudden sense.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cThat\u2019s some set of piano keys on you.\u201d<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cThanks veddy much, Rosser.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt wasn\u2019t a compliment.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHere, did you hear Ine arthur getting a new job?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat is it, chewing hay for gummy horses?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, Ine a museumt guide \u2013 here, Rosser! Cub on oaber and say hello to Dordeen and your granthaughter.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLike I said, I\u2019ve zero interest.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ronan ends up sparing me the ordeal of meeting the rest of the Tuites because he suddenly has the microphone in his hand and he\u2019s going, \u201cThank you all for cubbing. This is a proud day for Arelunt. This country punches well above its weight when it cubs to producing criminoddles, both domestic and internationoddle\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
A voice behind me goes, \u201cHowiya, Rosser?\u201d<\/p>\n
I turn around. It ends up being Ronan\u2019s old dear.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u2018Tina \u2013 how the hell are you?\u2019 in my famous sexy voice, because I know it gives her a thrill. Then I notice her boyfriend standing next to her \u2013 can\u2019t remember his name \u2013 who\u2019s a fireman and built like a portaloo<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cYou alright, Rosser?\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cYeah, no, all good.\u201d<\/p>\n
He\u2019s like, \u201cYou\u2019re looking veddy pale. Was he flirting with you, T?\u201d<\/p>\n
And Tina goes, \u201cHe was putting on the croaky voice.\u201d<\/p>\n
The dude just glowers at me.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cI wasn\u2019t. I swear it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then he suddenly laughs and gives me a slap on the shoulder that feels like a visit to the chiropractor. He\u2019s like, \u201cWe\u2019re only yanking your chain, Rosser.\u201d<\/p>\n
The two of them crack up laughing. I\u2019m glad everyone gets such a kick out of me.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo what about this museumt?\u201d Tina goes. \u201cWhat do you think?\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cI don\u2019t approve.\u201d<\/p>\n
She\u2019s like, \u201cOne of the tabloids ren a story this morden asking was it right to be monetising the misery of others. It was on the front page and they\u2019re doing a six-peert podcast on it as well.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cSix ports? Fock.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re veddy woodied about him,\u201d the fireman dude goes. \u201cThere\u2019s already been threats.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cThreats? I focking said it was a bad idea \u2013 day one.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ronan\u2019s up there, going, \u201cWe\u2019ve oaber two-hundrit pieces and we\u2019re hoping to add to the collection oaber the cubbing years, as we cebedrate one of Arelunt\u2019s greatest internationoddle financial success stordies.\u201d<\/p>\n
As I\u2019m listening to him, Gelly O\u2019Kelly \u2013 Ronan\u2019s former safecracking curator \u2013 appears at my side. <\/p>\n
\u201cAny second now,\u201d he tells me out of the side of his mouth, \u201cthere\u2019s going to be a warning.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cWhat kind of warning?\u201d presuming it\u2019s something to do with pickpockets \u2013 Ronan\u2019s in-laws, in other words \u2013 working the room.<\/p>\n
But then he goes, \u201cIne arthur finding a suspicious package.\u201d<\/p>\n
All of a sudden, I hear what could only be described as a high-pitched scream, which a few seconds later I realise has come from me<\/p>\n
\u201cA bomb!\u201d I\u2019m going. \u201cThere\u2019s a bomb!\u201d<\/p>\n
I make a run for the door \u2013 and yeah, no, I\u2019m not proud of this \u2013 shoving women and children out of my way to get there.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s when the real panic storts. People are going, \u201cA bomb? Did he say a bomb?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA bomb!\u201d I\u2019m going at the top of my voice. \u201cGet out of my way! I still have so much to contribute in terms of my rugby knowledge especially once Leo Cullen steps away from the Leinster set-up!\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m the first outside \u2013 again, not proud \u2013 then 20 seconds later the rest of the guests spill out on to Capel Street, looking confused more than worried.<\/p>\n
\u201cWho\u2019d want to bomb this place?\u201d Kennet goes.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cI can think of quite a few people,\u201d and then I\u2019m like, \u201cWhere\u2019s Ronan, by the way? Jesus, my son is still inside there! Someone go in and get him!\u201d<\/p>\n
Ten seconds later, Ronan steps out of the building onto Capel Street, carrying what at first looks like a holdall, but what I realise on closer inspection is \u2013 yeah, no \u2013 my gym bag?<\/p>\n
Ronan goes, \u201cWho left this on the floor next to the bar?\u201d<\/p>\n
I consider denying it. As a matter of fact, I look around, going, \u201cWhat kind of a focking idiot\u2013?\u201d<\/p>\n
Then Ronan goes, \u201cThere\u2019s a rubby ball in it.\u201d<\/p>\n
There are literally gasps.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd a buke with \u2018Ross O\u2019Caddle-Keddy\u2019s Rubby Tactics Buke. Quiet \u2013 Rubby Genius at Woork!\u2019 writ on the cubber.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m still looking around me, going, \u201cCould be literally anyone\u2019s.\u201d<\/p>\n
But Ronan fixes me with a look and goes, \u201cYou\u2019re some bleaten tulip, Rosser.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"All of Ronan\u2019s old mates are there. We\u2019re talking Buckets of Blood. We\u2019re talking Stacks of Money. We\u2019re…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":88437,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[93,61,60,709,42327],"class_list":["post-578520","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-entertainment","tag-entertainment","tag-ie","tag-ireland","tag-magazine","tag-ross-o-carroll-kelly"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/578520","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=578520"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/578520\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/88437"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=578520"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=578520"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=578520"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}