{"id":586930,"date":"2026-08-08T11:10:11","date_gmt":"2026-08-08T11:10:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/586930\/"},"modified":"2026-08-08T11:10:11","modified_gmt":"2026-08-08T11:10:11","slug":"oh-my-god-your-dads-new-girlfriend-has-entered-the-wicklow-pollock-queen-competition-the-irish-times","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/586930\/","title":{"rendered":"\u2018Oh my God! Your dad\u2019s new girlfriend has entered the Wicklow Pollock Queen competition!\u2019 \u2013 The Irish Times"},"content":{"rendered":"

Everybody knows about the Dalkey Lobster Festival. It\u2019s coming up in, like, two weeks\u2019 time, and Sorcha is already practising her walk and wave for the Parade of Lobster Queens Past, wearing the sash and crown that she\u2019s held onto ever since her victory in 2008, at the stort of the crash, on a platform of, I want to say, hope?<\/p>\n

A lot less is known about the Bray Pollock Festival, which takes place during the first weekend in August every year and is sponsored by Humungous Tackle Fishing Supplies, Incorporating Norman\u2019s Baits, Ballywaltrim Industrial Estate, Bray of all places. <\/p>\n

The highlight of the weekend is the crowning of the Wicklow Pollock Queen, which I know a little bit about, having been a celebrity judge of the competition during my glory days as the coach who led Pres Bray to Leinster Schools Senior Cup glory \u2013 \u201cUp the focking Pres!\u201d \u2013 for the first time since 1932. There\u2019s actually a photograph on the wall of Frank Duff\u2019s of me standing next to the winner, looking a bit shook, because she happened to grab a handful of my orse at the time and I was worried about her husband possibly seeing?<\/p>\n

Seriously, I\u2019ve never said a word about Bray that wasn\u2019t 100 per cent warranted.<\/p>\n

Anyway, all of this is basically background to the story of what happened last Sunday night. Yeah, no, I was in the cor with Sorcha and we were \u2013 believe it or not \u2013 crossing The Dorgle on the way to the Mermaid Orts Centre for the crowning of the 2026 winner. <\/p>\n

Sorcha smelled something fishy \u2013 and it wasn\u2019t 87-year-old Lucelita Loughridge, the oldest surviving Wicklow Pollock Queen, who\u2019d been invited back to perform the ceremonial killing of the biggest fish caught at the festival, which she did by hitting it a firm blow on the top of its head with one of her FitFlops, then cutting its gill arches with a bowie knife, which she just happened to have on her person.<\/p>\n

Sorcha was like, \u201cWhy are you so interested in going to the festival this year?\u201d<\/p>\n

And I was there, \u201cI\u2019m a big noise in these ports, remember? I led a team of chokers, jokers and forty-a-day smokers to the biggest prize in Irish schools rugby. It was made clear to me that I\u2019d never have to put my hand in my pocket in Henry & Rose again.\u201d<\/p>\n

[\u00a0Ross O\u2019Carroll-Kelly: I\u2019m no stranger to seeing my old man standing in the dock accused of serious crimesOpens in new window<\/a>\u00a0]<\/p>\n

\u201cOh my God!\u201d she went when the penny finally dropped. \u201cYour dad\u2019s new girlfriend has entered, hasn\u2019t she?\u201d<\/p>\n

I was like, \u201cIf you\u2019re talking about Bernie from Bray of all places, then possibly, yes.\u201d<\/p>\n

At that point, we\u2019d already porked the cor and we were making our way into the theatre. <\/p>\n

The place was rammers and all of the contestants were lined up on the stage, Bernie being the oldest by at least three decades. We pulled up a seat next to the old man, who was wearing his famous Dryrobe and \u2013 yeah, no \u2013 the dopey look of a man in love.<\/p>\n

\u201cRoss! Sorcha!\u201d he went. \u201cYou came!\u201d<\/p>\n

I was like, \u201cYeah, no, only to rip the piss. I wouldn\u2019t have missed it for the world.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sorcha was there, \u201cHas Bernie been on yet, Chorles?\u201d<\/p>\n

He was like, \u201cShe\u2019s next, I think.\u201d<\/p>\n

Everyone else thought the winner would be the woman who said that clean seas and oceans were the greatest gift we could give to our children<\/p>\n

Which she was? The compere put his orm around her shoulder and introduced her to the audience, then he cued up the first question. <\/p>\n

He went, \u201cQuestion number one. A fun question. If you could compare yourself to any type of fish, what would it be?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA focking trout!\u201d I shouted, then I ended up being shushed by the audience, my heroics with Pres Bray suddenly forgotten.<\/p>\n

Rugby is a cruel, cruel mistress.<\/p>\n

Bernie went, \u201cI don\u2019t know about a type of fish, but if you come back to my plaice, I\u2019ll show you that I\u2019m quite the catch!\u201d<\/p>\n

The audience was, like, shocked into silence. And this is Bray, bear in mind. These people have seen things we\u2019ll never see.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh my God,\u201d I went, \u201cit\u2019s not Blind focking Date!\u201d<\/p>\n

But the old man was there, \u201cExcellent answer!\u201d<\/p>\n

Confused, the compere dude was like, \u201cEr, question number two. How can we do better when it comes to safeguarding the future of our seas and our oceans?\u201d<\/p>\n

Without missing a beat, Bernie went, \u201cI don\u2019t know about safeguarding the future of our seas and our oceans, but I\u2019m slippery when wet \u2013 and I\u2019m the one fish you\u2019ll really want to reel in!\u201d<\/p>\n

Again, there was, like, silence, except for the sound of the old man clapping and shouting, \u201cBravo!\u201d<\/p>\n

Out of the corner of her mouth, Sorcha went, \u201cIt\u2019s very different to Dalkey, isn\u2019t it, Ross?\u201d<\/p>\n

And I was like, \u201cThey should put that in Latin on the town crest.\u201d<\/p>\n

[\u00a0\u2018When I close my eyes at night, I can still see that bird\u2019s horrible, leering face\u2019Opens in new window<\/a>\u00a0]<\/p>\n

The compere went, \u201cThird and final question. If you were to be named the Wicklow Pollock Queen for 2026, how would you use your role to highlight the challenges facing the county?\u201d<\/p>\n

Bernie was like, \u201cI don\u2019t know about highlighting the challenges facing the county, but if you were to point your rod in my direction, I can guarantee\u2026 you\u2019ll get a bite!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe woman\u2019s an absolute tonic! An absolute, bloody-well tonic!\u201d the old man shouted, clapping his two hands together, but he was the only one.<\/p>\n

The judges \u2013 yeah, no \u2013 retired to consider their verdict. <\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019d give her ten focking years,\u201d I went, \u201cwith no possibility of parole.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sorcha was like, \u201cOh my God, Chorles, it was so clever the way she subverted the whole idea of it being a beauty contest,\u201d because she\u2019s always been a crawler.<\/p>\n

The old man was like, \u201cI have a very good feeling about it.\u201d<\/p>\n

He was deluded, though. Everyone else thought the winner would be the woman who said that clean seas and oceans were the greatest gift we could give to our children.<\/p>\n

Anyway, 20 minutes later, the result was announced. The compere stepped out into the middle of the stage and went, \u201cThis year\u2019s Wicklow Pollock Festival Queen is\u2026 Bernie from Bray of all places!\u201d<\/p>\n

The audience stayed silent. They were in shock. I looked at the old man. He was wearing the same face as when I watched him backheel his ball into the hole in Portmornock to claim he\u2019d got a hole-in-one.<\/p>\n

I was there, \u201cYou fixed it, didn\u2019t you? You bribed the actual judges!\u201d<\/p>\n

And he went, \u201cDon\u2019t be absurd, Kicker\u2026 But do you think you could mention Humungous Tackle Fishing Supplies, Incorporating Norman\u2019s Baits, Ballywaltrim Industrial Estate, in your column next week?\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Everybody knows about the Dalkey Lobster Festival. It\u2019s coming up in, like, two weeks\u2019 time, and Sorcha is…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":178422,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[93,61,60,709,42327],"class_list":["post-586930","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-entertainment","tag-entertainment","tag-ie","tag-ireland","tag-magazine","tag-ross-o-carroll-kelly"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/586930","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=586930"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/586930\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/178422"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=586930"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=586930"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=586930"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}