Hennessy is grinning like a dog trying to pass a laundry ball through its urinary tract. Yeah, no, for five days now, me and Bernie from Bray of all places have been \u2013 in fairness \u2013 texting each other, and the dude is reading through the exchanges, some of which are pretty, it might be a word, explicit?<\/p>\n
\u201cHave you ever been to watch The Ster at the D4tress?\u201d he goes, ripping the piss out of me. \u201cI can\u2019t believe you\u2019re not a virgin.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cWhat can I say? Those kind of lines have always worked for me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI would regard Jamie Heaslip as a personal friend,\u201d he goes, \u201cand Johnny Sexton would never pass me on the street without calling me Legend.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBoth statements of fact.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t believe she\u2019s even replying to you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOne word, Dude \u2013 and that word is rugby.\u201d<\/p>\n
He suddenly storts texting her \u2013 on my phone, bear in mind? <\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cWhoa, whoa, whoa, what are you saying? Dude, what are you\u2013?\u201d<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cI\u2019m upping the ante. I\u2019m asking her what she\u2019s wearing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhoa! Back up the hord drive!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOtherwise, she\u2019ll be 80 and you\u2019ll still be trying to talk her into bed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEr, I\u2019m not trying to talk her into bed?\u201d<\/p>\n
My phone all of a sudden beeps. He reads the message. He goes, \u201cI\u2019m not wearing anything. What about you?\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cTell her I\u2019m wearing my famous boxers with the elephant ears on the sides.\u201d<\/p>\n
Except he doesn\u2019t. He goes, \u201cI\u2019m naked too,\u201d and he actually sends it to her.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cDude, that doesn\u2019t sound like my voice. I was building up to inviting her to a match in the RDS.\u201d<\/p>\n
My phone beeps again and he reads the message.<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cShe wants to know what\u2019s your wildest fantasy.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cProbably some kind of backroom role within the Leinster set-up.\u201d<\/p>\n
Yeah, no, the idea was not to have actual sexual relations with the woman<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u00a0Ross<\/p>\n
He rolls his eyes, then storts typing again. He\u2019s there, \u201cI\u2019m telling her that you\u2019ve got quite the imagination.\u201d <\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cJust keep in mind, Dude, that Sorcha checks my text messages on a regular basis.\u201d<\/p>\n
There\u2019s another beep. He laughs. He goes, \u201cYou want to know what she likes? Workmen\u2019s trousers.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cAs in\u2013?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThose two-tone pants with all the pockets that electricians and plumbers wear. Where are we going to get you a pair of those?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cExcuse me?\u201d<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cI got a plumber in the kitchen!\u201d and the next thing I know I\u2019m following him down the hallway, going, \u201cDude, what are you doing? Dude, what the fock?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTake your trousers off,\u201d he tells the plumber.<\/p>\n
Obviously, the plumber\u2019s like, \u201cSoddy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe trousers,\u201d Hennessy goes. \u201cHere,\u201d and he storts peeling notes off a wad of a fifties that\u2019s as thick as I am stupid.<\/p>\n
The dude whips off the trousers, no further questions asked, and Hennessy hands them to me, telling me to put them on.<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cYour father\u2019s playing golf in Doonbeg. While the cat\u2019s away, the mice will fornicate.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cYeah, no, can I just remind you, the idea was just to get some incriminating text messages out of her to show the old man, not to have actual sexual relations with the woman.\u201d<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cLook, you don\u2019t have to actually go through with it. Anyway, you\u2019ve no choice in the matter. I\u2019ve told her you\u2019re coming around.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou did what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd I said you\u2019d be wearing the trousers.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFock.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe\u2019s very excited.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIs she? What did she say? As in, what were her actual words?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe says she\u2019ll be upstairs in bed. She wants you to shout up the stairs that she has a blockage in the cistern \u2013 that\u2019s why the toilet won\u2019t flush.\u201d<\/p>\n
The plumber dude goes, \u201cIf it\u2019s a problem with the flush, the issue is more likely to be a scaled valve seal, or maybe the float is set too high so that you\u2019ve water entering the overflow tube.\u201d<\/p>\n
Hennessy\u2019s like, \u201cThis is all fabulous detail. Ross, put the trousers on.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cDid you say a scaled seal valve?\u201d trying to buy myself some time here.<\/p>\n
\u201cPut the focking trousers on!\u201d Hennessy shouts at me. <\/p>\n
So \u2013 yeah, no \u2013 that\u2019s what I end up doing? <\/p>\n
I was reading that everyone will be doing something similar when AI takes away all of our jobs<\/p>\n
\u2014 \u00a0Charles<\/p>\n
Half an hour later, the two of us are in Hennessy\u2019s cor and we\u2019re crossing the \u2013 believe it or not \u2013 Dorgle on the way to her gaff. <\/p>\n
I\u2019m going, \u201cI can\u2019t believe I\u2019m actually doing this.\u201d<\/p>\n
He\u2019s like, \u201cYou don\u2019t have to do anything. You can make your excuses and leave at any point. We just need to break this spell that she\u2019s cast on your old man.\u201d<\/p>\n
Hennessy pulls up outside a gaff in \u2013 yeah, no \u2013 Ordmore Pork. I get out of the cor and Hennessy tells me that my orse looks good in the trousers.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cYeah, no, thanks,\u201d because I\u2019m a sucker for a compliment.<\/p>\n
I walk up to the front door. It ends up being open. I honestly feel like I\u2019m in a bad porno movie? <\/p>\n
I step into the gaff, feeling ridiculous. I stand at the bottom of the stairs and I shout, \u201cYou\u2019ve a blockage in your cistern! Either that or a something valve something-something!\u201d<\/p>\n
All of a sudden, the old man steps out of the kitchen, going, \u201cKicker! What the hell are you doing here?\u201d<\/p>\n
I end up nearly having a prolapse on the spot.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cWhat the\u2013? I thought you were playing golf in\u2013?\u201d<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cNo, that\u2019s next weekend.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd where\u2019s\u2013?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBernie? Oh, she\u2019s in Spain with her sister! Why on earth are you dressed as a plumber?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cExcuse me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe trousers, Kicker!\u201d<\/p>\n
I end up having to think fast.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cYeah, no, I, em, did a course.\u201d<\/p>\n
No good ever comes from me thinking fast.<\/p>\n
He\u2019s like, \u201cYou did a course? In plumbing?\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cThat\u2019s right.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, I was reading that everyone will be doing something similar when AI takes away all of our jobs. And, what, Bernie told you about the cistern being blocked, did she?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe, er, may have mentioned it, yeah.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo do you think you\u2019ll be able to fix it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll, em, definitely take a look.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s the toilet at the top of the stairs, Kicker.\u201d<\/p>\n
A minute later, as I\u2019m taking the lid off the cistern, my phone all of a sudden beeps. It\u2019s a message from Bernie. And I don\u2019t even need to look at it to know that it\u2019s a laughing emoji.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Hennessy is grinning like a dog trying to pass a laundry ball through its urinary tract. Yeah, no,…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":608192,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[72,61,60,709,42327],"class_list":["post-608191","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-business","tag-business","tag-ie","tag-ireland","tag-magazine","tag-ross-o-carroll-kelly"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/608191","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=608191"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/608191\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/608192"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=608191"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=608191"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=608191"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}