I think I\u2019m on the record as saying that being a parent is one of those things that I just happen to be very, very good at without having to put any actual effort into it. Even allowing for that, at the end of a long, hot summer, just like the rest of you, I\u2019m absolutely sick of the sight of my children and I\u2019m glad they\u2019re now someone else\u2019s problem until the end of October. <\/p>\n
It\u2019s, like, 11 o\u2019clock in the morning and I\u2019m sitting in \u2013 yeah, no \u2013 Gleego\u2019s, having a coffee and flirting with one or two of the Willow Pork moms when my phone all of a sudden rings? Gwen \u2013 because we\u2019re already on first-name terms \u2013 goes, \u201cAre you not going to get that?\u201d because I\u2019ve let it ring out twice now. Whoever it is, they\u2019re pretty dogged. <\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cYeah, no, I\u2019d better get it. Could be the Leinster Branch, putting together a coaching dream team to replace the big man.\u201d<\/p>\n
So I step outside. Surprisingly, it ends up not being the Leinster branch? Yeah, no, it\u2019s my old mate Fionn, in other words, the principal of Castlerock College. He goes, \u201cRoss, where are you?\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cI\u2019m at work,\u201d because I want to find out first where this conversation is headed.<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cYou don\u2019t work. You don\u2019t have a job.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, I\u2019m waiting for a call from you know who.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI need you to come to the school to collect Johnny.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you mind me asking why?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause he\u2019s been suspended.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSuspended? What, two hours and 40 minutes into the school year? Is that some kind of record?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy do you sound pleased?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know. It\u2019s probably the competitor in me. So what did he illegibly do?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, there\u2019s no illegibly about it, Ross. And don\u2019t start talking to me like you\u2019re Hennessy Coghlan-O\u2019Hara. He was singing an offensive song.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, you mean the song that used to be the school anthem?\u201d<\/p>\n
Yeah, no, he was singing it in the cor this morning. It\u2019s a genuine earworm, in fairness.<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cYes, Ross, that song.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cAnd what\u2019s wrong with Castlerock \u00dcber Alles?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know what\u2019s wrong with it. The lyrics are problematic. Especially the references to Lebensraum and taking Alsace and the Sudetenland.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEven though you were happy to belt it out when you were on the Senior Cup team with me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTimes have changed, Ross.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s a bunch of woke horseshit and you know it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, the students have been told that it\u2019s now banned. And if Johnny insists on singing it at the top of his voice at the back of the maths class, then I have no choice but to suspend him for two weeks. Now, are you coming to get him?\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cLike I said, I\u2019ll come when I\u2019m ready,\u201d and I hang up and tip back inside.<\/p>\n
The girls have bought me another cappuccino. I think Gwen has a bit of a thing for the Rossmeister. I\u2019m showing her a way to do bicep curls to totally eliminate under-orm fat when my phone suddenly rings again. I check the screen. It\u2019s Fionn.<\/p>\n
I step outside. I\u2019m like, \u201cThis is storting to border on harassment. I said I\u2019d come when I\u2019m ready.\u201d<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cWell, you can collect Leo when you do.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cLeo? The fock has he done?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe told Mrs Reedy that she looked foxy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJesus \u2013 we obviously need to get him stronger glasses.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s not funny, Ross. Students are not permitted to speak to the staff in that way.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCan I just remind you\u2013?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRoss, I don\u2019t care what happened in our day. We are living in a different world \u2013 thankfully.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019d say it\u2019s a long time since anyone told Mrs Reedy\u2013\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRoss, I don\u2019t want to hear it. Just come and collect your boys. They\u2019re both suspended for two weeks.\u201d<\/p>\n
I end up losing it. <\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cDude, why do I even bother sending my kids to school? It\u2019s your job to control them. If you can\u2019t do that, then maybe you need to stort asking yourself whether you\u2019re in the right business.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRoss\u2013\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, I\u2019m serious, Dude. It\u2019s Day One of the school year and you\u2019re already trying to outsource your problem students to me. Well, you can forget it. My children are your responsibility now \u2013 between September and Halloween, then from Halloween to Christmas. You chose to be a school principal. Live with it, Dude.\u201d<\/p>\n
I hang up on him and I tip back inside. The girls are really loving my company. Conversation is another thing I happen to be good at without having to even try. I lick the cappuccino froth off the back of my spoon and Gwen tells me in a flirty way that it\u2019s dribbling out of the side of my mouth. She\u2019s dabbing it with the corner of her napkin when \u2013 unbelievably \u2013 my phone rings a third time.<\/p>\n
I check the screen and I end up flying into a rage. I answer and I\u2019m like, \u201cDude, what port of \u2018my children are your responsibility\u2019 do you not understand?\u201d<\/p>\n
The girls nod. They know where I\u2019m coming from.<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cRoss, I\u2019ve just had Mr Brady in the office.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m like, \u201cI don\u2019t even know who that is.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s been the music teacher here for 40 years.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat would explain why I\u2019ve never focking heard of him. What\u2019s his problem?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBrian is\u2013\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIs what? Suspended as well? All focking three? Are you actually serious?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you\u2019d let me finish, Ross\u2013\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCall yourself a school?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe thinks Brian has a real gift for singing. He wants to cast him as the lead in the school musical this year.\u201d<\/p>\n
There\u2019s, like, silence on the end of the phone. He\u2019s waiting for a reaction from me.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cAre you only telling me this because you know I\u2019ll go racing up to the school.\u201d<\/p>\n
He goes, \u201cI\u2019m only passing on what he told me. And, you know, rehearsals clash with rugby training, so he\u2019d have to pick one or the other.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDude, don\u2019t fock with my head.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m only passing the message on. He said he has a tenor voice \u2013 the best he\u2019s heard for a boy of his age.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m there, \u201cOkay, you win. I\u2019m on the way. And if you happen to see Brian, will you tell him that I feel let down by him and he\u2019s a disgrace to the family name?\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"I think I\u2019m on the record as saying that being a parent is one of those things that…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":615468,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[93,61,60,709,42327],"class_list":["post-615467","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-entertainment","tag-entertainment","tag-ie","tag-ireland","tag-magazine","tag-ross-o-carroll-kelly"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/615467","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=615467"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/615467\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/615468"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=615467"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=615467"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=615467"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}