Ryan, from Wexford but living in Dublin, and her son\u2019s father had been together for almost a decade. She says she was \u201ctrying to get over the grief process [of a long-term relationship ending] … you\u2019re then having to deal with the fact that their dishes are still in the sink. You\u2019re still having the same arguments as what you would have about the way the house is, but you\u2019re not getting any of the good parts of the relationship\u201d.<\/p>\n
\u201cBoth of us were being driven completely mad by the other person, by the end of it,\u201d she says. \u201cI was dying last year, when the election was on, for one of them [politicians] to come to the door so that I could go \u2018this is the situation that you have people living through\u2019. I\u2019ve been dealing with mental health issues for a number of years, so it wouldn\u2019t have been the first time that I had issues with it, but I was definitely made a lot worse by the fact this was the living situation. And I was very aware this was also what our son was seeing.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt comes with so much more distress, and you\u2019re not able to properly move on from the break-up when you don\u2019t have your own space to be in. <\/p>\n
\u201cAnd I do think it makes it more confusing as well. Our son was eight and it took several goes of us going \u2018no, Mammy and Daddy are not together any more. We\u2019re good friends, but we\u2019re not in a relationship any more\u2019.\u201d <\/p>\n
Two years ago Ryan managed to get a place of her own. While she found the rent expensive, she\u2019s relieved not to be searching at current market rates.<\/p>\n
Ashe Conrad-Jones separated from her husband Rob Jones 13 years ago, but they still live together. She also runs a business with her ex-husband. They have separate bathrooms and bedrooms within their house, but share a kitchen and diningroom.<\/p>\n
So how do they make living together after a relationship break up work? <\/p>\n
When the couple first broke up Ashe was \u201cfurious\u201d that they had to continue living together. \u201cIt was hugely difficult and horrible.\u201d Financially it wasn\u2019t \u201cviable\u201d for her to leave the business.<\/p>\n
They still had to deal with \u201canger, frustration and hurt\u201d, in the early years, she says, but \u201cthe counterpoint for both of us was … \u2018we have to start again, [We have to] draw a line in the sand and start again\u2019. Particularly because we have to run a business together … we don\u2019t discuss the past because that relationship is no longer relevant.\u201d<\/p>\n
Neither Ashe nor Rob have dated anyone since their break-up, so no difficulties have arisen there. But they are aware that their children are getting older, which has made them think about the future. \u201cWe\u2019re not divorced, so we\u2019re talking about getting formally divorced for the first time.\u201d Ashe doesn\u2019t know if they will live separately when the children leave home \u201cbecause again it comes down to finances\u201d, she says.<\/p>\n
![\"Lisa](\"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/ie\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/10\/QAI4AAGTMRC43IWKINCZ4PERII.JPG\")
Lisa Ryan, who lived with her ex-partner after the relationship ended, says the situation \u2018comes with so much more distress\u2019. Photograph: Nick Bradshaw <\/p>\n
Rob\u2019s thinking is similar. It helps that the children are still at home, he says. But in considering the future, he admits, \u201cit changes all the time. Sometimes I think I can\u2019t wait to get out. Other times it\u2019s fine … The housing situation doesn\u2019t help. I have thought about moving and I have looked, but the financial [side] of buying at the moment. It\u2019s just crazy. It\u2019s wrong. It\u2019s criminal\u201d.<\/p>\n
Niamh Delmar is a counselling psychologist who runs The Greystones Health and Wellbeing Centre in Co Wicklow. When a relationship breaks down, she says, \u201cit is challenging for both parties to shift the relationship status and this can be emotionally draining and stressful\u201d. <\/p>\n
\u201cThere is loss in the process. Both [people] may not be at the same pace. Navigating this new relationship is a transition that requires conversations and planning. <\/p>\n
\u201cResearch shows that maintaining a strong familial bond is beneficial for children. If there is conflict between partners, it is damaging to the children The arrangement needs to be communicated to children to in age-appropriate way.\u201d<\/p>\n
For former couples continuing to live in the same home, \u201cboundaries, expectations and ground rules need to be mutually agreed on and respected\u201d, Delmar says. \u201cHousehold and childcare responsibilities can be negotiated. Couples\u2019 counselling and family therapy can help navigate the transition more smoothly. Mediation and legal advice help to guide couples towards the future so they don\u2019t feel trapped.\u201d<\/p>\n
It\u2019s essential that the living space \u201cfacilitates privacy\u201d for each person, she says, advising that everyone \u201csets clear expectations around finances, new relationships and each others\u2019 needs\u201d.<\/p>\n
Setting \u201ca timeframe for moving on\u201d that couples can work towards can be helpful, she says. <\/p>\n
[\u00a0\u2018My colleague has said she\u2019s having marital difficulties. Worryingly, it includes physical abuse\u2019Opens in new window<\/a>\u00a0]<\/p>\n Daniel* separated from his wife a few years ago, but until recently was still living with her. \u201cThere was no finish line, because once you\u2019re finished the relationship, you still have to work out the practicalities. And that takes a long time,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re advised not to leave the family home, by anyone who\u2019s been through it before … \u2018if you leave, you\u2019ll never get back in, and you hand over all your rights\u2019 … and you don\u2019t want to leave, because you don\u2019t want to leave your children. The marriage is ended, but your desire to be part of a family isn\u2019t.\u201d <\/p>\n Daniel says it was hard to know how to \u201cbe\u201d when he was still living in the house with his ex-wife. Coupled with the stress of the relationship breakdown, \u201cCovid hit\u201d, bringing the additional pressures of lockdown. \u201cThe experience of that was incredibly difficult and confusing,\u201d he says. <\/p>\n Daniel remembers struggling when it became apparent his ex-wife was moving on with her life more quickly than he was. \u201cHaving to witness that, and live with it all the time, was really challenging for me, if I\u2019m honest,\u201d he says. <\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s incredibly upsetting. It\u2019s incredibly difficult, but there\u2019s nothing you can do about it because from a financial perspective, neither of us were in a position to create deposits for a house overnight, despite being on really good salaries.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s just pressure. You\u2019re going in, in the evening time, and you\u2019re trying to not create an atmosphere. Or hoping that there won\u2019t be an atmosphere. Or trying to protect the kids from an atmosphere that might be there over something. And you\u2019re going through mediation at the time as well … and those sessions are hard, but you\u2019ve to go back to the same house afterwards. And somebody might have said something in that session that was hurtful to the other person.\u201d<\/p>\n