That the premiere revolves around Cialis-induced semen found in some barely famous bro’s underpants is a sign that MomTok has never been weaker.
Photo: Fred Hayes/Disney
The time has come to convene an emergency meeting of the MomTok board of directors. Never in the storied history of MomTok have the core brand values been this desecrated. Female empowerment is at an all-time low.
Brand-health alarms should have gone off when the first words of this season were spoken by Nick Viall and cranked even louder the first (or even the fourth) time Jordan used the word “emasculating.” Maybe if all MomTok members past and present united, they could have prevented the premiere’s main character from becoming the Cialis-induced, blackout-produced semen found in some barely famous bro’s underpants.
But MomTok has been running on a skeleton crew stretched to their limits, attending influencer events and feeding the algorithm. So here we are. But I have faith the ladies will turn it around as long as they don’t appoint Taylor’s mom as interim CMO. Faith is very important to the MomTok brand. It is also important to me, because I believe in the power and resiliency of Emmy-nominated reality-television franchises the same way people from Wisconsin believe in the Green Bay Packers.
After a glorious reveal of the updated intro theme — now with more horny fire! — we kick things off in Provo at Taylor’s house. Dakota swings by to pick up Ever because he’ll be watching him while Taylor attends a two-week therapy retreat. Hoping we get more details on this because I’m dying to know the amenities and practices on the menu. “Therapy retreat” could mean “repeatedly doing ayahuasca in the Peruvian Amazon,” or “checking into an inpatient drug and alcohol rehab,” or “sitting silently in a meditation center.” It could also mean “doing a lot of yoga and trauma-informed talk therapy with some nice scenery,” and this is most likely the case. Separately, what a joy to enter this season knowing Taylor and Dakota theoretically do not end up together. A brief respite for all involved!
On the other end of the spectrum, we have the Minky Couture influencer event. Minky Couture makes blankets, and we do not need to get into how blankets can be “couture” because I have learned that living in Utah requires a willingness to suspend disbelief. Mikayla and Mayci walk us through the state of MomTok. It’s bad. Taylor and Jen are both on a mental-health break. Miranda is TBD. Demi left MomTok during that ultimatum last season. Whitney left MomTok (again) because she didn’t get the Oscars tickets and scripted-series role she wanted during contract negotiations. If you think this means we will be free of Whitney and Demi this season, sorry! Remember: MomTok is always a clique, usually a brand, and never an accurate cast list.
Anyway, the remaining MomTok members, Layla and Jessi, have a rendezvous in the parking lot of the Minky Couture event. Layla is pressed to tell Jessi what she learned when the producers set up that little meet and greet with Marciano from Vanderpump Villa. Jessi comes clean immediately and lays out facts she will repeat on loop throughout this episode: (1) Jessi and Jordan have been struggling and separated in September; (2) Jessi was drinking in Los Angeles and kissed Marciano twice; (3) Jessi and Marciano had an emotional affair, texting for two weeks after; and (4) Jessi told Jordan everything right away, and they’ve worked through it.
Jessi freaks upon learning that Marciano told Layla they also had sex, which she insists is false. So, naturally, Layla calls him on speaker. He reports live from the gym that he remembers — and I think the exact quote is important here — “I took a Cialis … I had cum stains in my shorts, but okay, whatever you say.” Correlation does not imply causation, my guy! Marciano’s details feel like the equivalent of saying “I took a Dramamine … I didn’t throw up” to imply that one survived a particularly turbulent Disney cruise. Whether he’s lying or not, Jessi calls Jordan right away, and he says that if she brings the cameras home, he’s done with the show.
But those contracts are ironclad! The very next morning, the cameras are up and at ’em at the Ngatikaura household. Jessi and Jordan “discussed it more” and “agreed” to share this story (own the narrative). Jordan says he feels broken, asking himself if he can live with “lingering disrespect and emasculating feelings.” Jessi thinks it’ll be healing that Jordan can get comfort from his friends and family now that this is out, but she’s nervous to tell MomTok because it’s yet another scandal, and they’ve been trying to get away from all that. I, for one, think this is perfectly aligned with the true consumer perception of MomTok (scandal!), even if it does not match what appears in the MomTok brand guidelines.
Jordan invites Dakota over for some guy time since he’s the only one Jordan knows who’s dealt with this level of relationship struggle in public. Jordan says it’ll be hard to explain it to his oldest daughter and that it’s “super emasculating.” Dakota hugs Jordan and advises him to pray to a higher power of his choosing and focus on his family since everything else is outside of his control. I’m tempted to make a joke about these two bozos solving the male-loneliness crisis, but I find it genuinely endearing that Dakota is whipping out his recovery toolbox to help out a friend going through it.
Those feelings left my body immediately once Zac showed up on the screen. He and Jen are living in Arizona, focusing on their marriage and doing a lot of therapy. Fresh from a session, Jen explains how everyone knows about postpartum depression, but not prenatal depression, which was what she was experiencing last season. They’ll be driving back to Utah in a few weeks to have their new baby there. Jen is stressed because she has some tough conversations ahead, including making amends with Jessi for saying her husband has a small weiner. Oh, no, not more fuel for Jordan’s “emasculation” fire. I do not like where this could be heading.
Back in Utah, Jessi has Mayci and Mikayla over to detail the Marciano sitch. She gives her whole spiel and adds further information about how Marciano blacked out and fell asleep on her bed while she was up all night panicking about the consequences of her (presumably intercourse-free) actions. Even though Jessi reminds them that horny guys get pre-cum in their undies on the regular, especially while on drugs, Mayci and Mikayla are skeptical after leaving. They think something feels off. What feels off to me is Mayci making a joke about how “these things happen” when you drink alcohol, and how Jessi shouldn’t have left the church.
At Layla’s birthday dinner, the girls discover that a mole among their dwindling ranks has been sneaking information to Demi. Their tip-off was Bret doing drive-bys while Mayci and Mikayla were at Jessi’s, and Demi texting them right after to gossip. Jessi thinks Layla and Miranda are the two most likely suspects. Layla offers to show her phone logs as proof of her innocence. Miranda doesn’t even know what planet she’s on. Whatever Miranda’s reps negotiated contract-wise, good on them. She puts on cute little outfits, gets full glam done, smiles and nods, then collects her check.
Once the girls’ dinner transforms into Layla’s full birthday party, things escalate into madness. Harbinger of mess Liann is there because “she had a business event in the area.” Okay, sweetie! Jordan continues yapping about being emasculated and being less of a man for staying with his wife. Chase from the Halloween party shows up to stir the pot. His mere appearance causes a full meltdown for multiple attendees. Not a single soul in attendance is happy to see this man besides Layla. He has a podcast that I will not name here because I refuse to give straight-dude chatcasts free publicity. All you need to know is that he regularly drags MomTok and its members.
On one hand, if Layla wanted to bone this man’s brother, surely she could have set up a double date instead of inviting MomTok enemy No. 1 to this contractually obligated event. On the other hand (unless there was some wild producer manipulation), Mayci and Mikayla were given a heads-up at JZ Styles that he was on the guest list. We saw it earlier in the episode. On a third hand, a reminder that this birthday party is to celebrate Layla’s 24th birthday. Twenty-four!
Jessi tries to resolve the situation between Layla and Mayci/Mikayla, which is what pushes Jordan over the edge. Her getting involved in the drama “makes him feel like he has no value.” He cries in the snow as Dakota pulls up in his Tacoma to ferry him to safety. It’s all a textbook case of how the real villain of this show remains the Mormon church. You take repression and traditional gender roles and an obsession with purity and perception, then smash all of that into the algorithm economy, throw a Cialis into the mix, and we end up in places like this one.
And it appears we shall embark on many similar journeys this season. We’ve got more secrets! More toxic men! More discussion of the mole! Taylor promising to make someone’s life “a miserable fucking hell” yet again! But MomTok is sisterhood. So everything will be fine. And if it’s not, all the better for the content machine.
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