Chalkboard gags are a fundamental element of The Simpsons. After coming down from the clouds, Bart (Nancy Cartwright) scribbling in a classroom is the first contact we have with Springfield and the Simpson family. Chalkboard jokes began with the show’s second episode, with Bart scrawling the ironic statement “I will not waste chalk” over and over. It’s a bit that grew over time from just Bart’s shenanigans into a platform for the writers’ room. Chalkboard gags let Simpsons writers get quick jokes and commentary on current events straight to audience eyeballs, without needing any setup, story, or framework.
Self-reference came in pretty early too, with Season 2’s “Dead Putting Society” celebrating voice actor Nancy Cartwright’s birthday with “I am not a 32-year-old woman.” However, with over 600 episodes aired, not every Simpsons chalkboard gag is a winner. Some miss the mark with inside jokes, political jabs, or hyperspecificity. And then there’s some that are downright awful. Here are Bart’s worst chalkboard gags in the history of The Simpsons.
10
“I will not (Bart Destroys the Chalkboard With an Axe)”
Season 14, Episode 11 “Barting Over”
Bart with an axe and a broken chalkboard that reads “I will not” on The Simpsons.
Image via FOX
This chalkboard gag would have made sense if it was the very last chalkboard The Simpsons did, leaving an increasingly anachronistic set-up behind. But that’s clearly not the case. The show’s writers already vented about the chalkboards in Season 13, Episode 2, “The Parent Rap,” with Bart writing, “Nobody reads these anymore,” and they continued complaining long after. The Season 17 premiere “The Bonfire of the Manatees” opens with “Does any kid do this anymore?”
The Simpsons’ opening has evolved over the years, adding billboard gags, cloud gags, and continuing the couch gags while updating the rabbit-ear set to a high definition one. And chalkboard gags do seem to be slowly phasing out; Seasons 25 onward skip a few. In Season 31, half the episodes don’t include a chalkboard gag. And from Season 32 onward, there’s one chalkboard bit a season. The Simpsons writers even beat themselves to their own punch – while Season 26’s “Mathlete’s Feat” lacks a chalkboard gag (they had to make room for the extended Rick and Morty couch gag), during the episode, Bart’s chalkboard is replaced with a giant touch screen. He writes “I will not fight the future,” copies and pastes it, then switches to dark mode.
9
“Thank you for 28 great years…Taylor Swift.”
Season 28, Episode 22 “Dogtown”
Bart writes “Thank you for 28 great years Taylor Swift” on a chalkboard on The Simpsons.
Image via FOX
This chalkboard gag is predicated on knowing Taylor Swift was born the day after The Simpsons premiered on Fox (December 18 and 17, 1989, respectively). It’s a cute factoid that obsessive Swifties might know. But are obsessive Swifties watching The Simpsons? Are there obsessive Simpsons viewers/Swifties? Swimpties? There’s probably some overlap between the two groups, but it seems pretty narrow.
I’m guessing someone in The Simpsons writers’ room is either a Taylor fan, or has a kid who is, and this was meant to be a cute self-referential congratulation. However, conflating 28 years of an animated series with one of America’s biggest pop stars is, to say the least, confusing.
8
“I do not have the hots for my mom.”
Season 21, Episode 5 “The Devil Wears Nada”
Bart writes “I do not have the hots for my mom” on a chalkboard on The Simpsons.
Image via FOX
Ay carumba, who in the writers’ room thought this was a good idea?! Sure, it fits the theme of the episode, where Marge’s (Julie Kavner) erotic calendar pics become the talk of the town. And yes, this episode came out soon after Marge appeared on the cover of Playboy’s November 2009 issue. And of course, people have sexualized cartoon characters since before Betty Boop’s time.
The issue here is, why would Bart have to be punished? The gag implies Bart does have the hots for his mom, which is an entirely different and queasier line of thought, explored in far too much Simpsons slash fiction. And if shoehorning the Playboy timing and specific episode’s theme into a gag weren’t the reason for this baffling “joke”, what is?
7
“High explosives and school don’t mix.”
Season 3, Episode 4 “Bart The Murderer”
Bart writes “high explosives and school don’t mix” on a chalkboard on The Simpsons.
Image via FOX
I think it’s the phrasing of this one that’s the issue. High explosives are a specific subset of explosives that detonate at supersonic speed, which probably has nothing to do with this joke. But then why not just say “explosives and school don’t mix”? Why the specificity? This is definitely overthinking what was meant to be a straightforward “explosions + school = bad” gag.
It’s already a joke that becomes a little less humorous with each consecutive mass shooting or attack at schools across America; not the fault of The Simpsons nor the intent of the gag, just a depressing fact that since 1990, the start of The Simpsons airing, there hasn’t been a year in the United States without at least two active shooter incidents in a school. Admittedly a different kind of explosives, but still depressing.
6
“I will not concede the election till Karl Rove gives me permission.”
Season 24, Episode 4 “Gone Abie Gone”
Bart writes “I will not concede the election till Karl Rove gives me permission” on The Simpsons.
Image via FOX
Chalkboard gags have gone political throughout The Simpsons’ history. There’s Clinton-era impeachment and scandal references like “No one cares what my definition of ‘is’ is” in Season 10’s “D’oh-in’ in the Wind” and “‘The President did it’ is not an excuse” in Season 10’s “Mayored to the Mob.” Those were topical, but still worked as something Bart might get punished for.
Trump-era references are more vague, and aren’t that great either, with “Being right sucks” in Season 28, Episode 7’s “Havana Wild Weekend” referencing the “prediction” of Trump’s presidency in Season 11, Episode 17’s “Bart to the Future” back in 2000, and that’s the joke. The Karl Rove gag is closer to “It’s unfair to judge a president on his first 300 days” in Season 29, Episode 3, “Whistler’s Father,” in that both work on exactly one level as political commentary, but at least “300 days” is a little more open-ended, chosen as the episode aired on Day 300 of Trump’s presidency. Unless you caught Republican presidential advisor Rove’s live meltdown as the 2012 election results rolled in, or even know who Karl Rove is, this smug political jab makes no sense.
5
“The art teacher is fat, not pregnant.”
Season 19, Episode 13 “The Debarted”
Bart writes “the art teacher is fat, not pregnant” on a chalkboard on The Simpsons.
Image via FOX
See, the joke is usually that someone assumes a pregnant woman is overweight, a condition which is shameful and wrong. This Simpsons joke inverts that assumption, where instead of a temporary increase in body mass, which is fine as long as it goes away as soon as possible, it’s just fatphobic. Hilarious.
But really, even if they’re crowning (and then you already know the answer), there’s never any reason to ask a woman if she’s pregnant. Even further, there’s never a reason to comment on someone’s weight, even in a “complimentary” manner.
4
“If Villanova doesn’t win we lose everything.”
Episode 27, Season 17 “The Burns Cage”
Bart writes “if Villanova doesn’t win we lose everything” on a chalkboard on The Simpsons.
Image via FOX
A lot of Simpsons chalkboard gags don’t make sense as a punitive statement Bart’s forced to write. Yet this one feels worse. It might be that it’s a highly specific, dated sports reference, one that’s before instead of post-event (the 2016 NCAA Tournament game against North Carolina) and nothing more. It might be that the game nod was pushed even harder with a title screen gag of a Villanova Wildcat player jumping over the logo and scoring.
At least the gag in Season 28, Episode 14’s “Fatzcarraldo” — “If we’re so good at predicting how come my dad bet on Atlanta” — squeezes in a self-referential joke alongside the sports acknowledgment, mocking the “Simpsons future predictions” belief. They say specificity is the soul of narrative, but when it comes to inserting pure sports into comedy, it falls flat.
3
“I will watch all 600 episodes without sleeping.”
Season 28, Episode 8 “Dad Behavior”
Bart writes “I will watch all 600 episodes without sleeping” on a chalkboard on The Simpsons.
Image via FOX
This one is just self-advertising former Fox, current Disney subsidiary channel FXX, as FXX’s “The Simpsons 600 Marathon” began the week after this episode aired. Crassly commercial? Yes. Unfunny and poorly dated? Yes. But I guess it worked, as the 12 days of all 600 Simpsons episodes netted the sub-channel its highest ratings yet.
The disappointment in this Simpsons gag is as harsh as Ralphie’s (Peter Billingsley) discovery in A Christmas Story that the Little Orphan Annie secret message is “Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.” It’s just a crummy commercial!
2
“I will not think about Bart anymore.”
Season 13, Episode 1 “The Simpsons Guy”
Stewie Griffin writes “I will not think about Bart anymore” on a chalkboard.
Image via FOX
Did you know there’s only one Simpsons episode Matt Groening removed his name from? It’s The Critic crossover episode in Season 6, “A Star Is Burns.” In an LA Times interview, Groening said, “The two reasons I am opposed to this crossover is that I don’t want any credit or blame for The Critic and I feel this (other cartoon character appearing) violates the Simpsons’ universe. The Critic has nothing to do with the Simpsons’ world.” And that episode wasn’t even an hour long!
Times have certainly changed, as Groening’s name is on this mega-crossover, featuring not just Family Guy, but Bob’s Burgers and even The Flintstones. This chalkboard gag is a button at the very end, after the Simpsons and Griffins part ways. Stewie (Seth MacFarlane) admires Bart, but takes things beyond the Simpsons’ pale, kidnapping and torturing Bart’s enemies. Bart understandably breaks off the friendship, and Stewie’s chalkboard gag disproves his own statement, showing he’s not quite over the breakup. It’s the mildest of the many clashes of both shows’ temperament and style, but this gag didn’t even have to happen.
1
“I will learn to prank my sister.”
‘When Billie Met Lisa’ (2022)
Finneas O’Connell writes “I will learn to prank my sister” repeatedly on a chalkboard as Bart supervises in When Billie Met Lisa.
Image via FOX
Maybe it’s unfair to criticize a four-minute short, but hey, the writers had time to drop a chalkboard gag, I have time to rake it over the coals. This cross-promotional, admittedly non-canonical Disney+ short has Billie Eilish’s producer/brother Finneas O’Connell holding the chalk, supervised by Bart, in a short where Lisa Simpson (Yeardley Smith) and Billie Eilish jam musically.
“I will learn to prank my sister” isn’t a joke, nor a punitive statement, but it is an excuse to cram in two otherwise absent characters via one of the two bits consistent throughout the show. Except this isn’t the show. It’s a celebrity cameo masquerading as a short, making a chalkboard gag feel dangerously close to a “hey, remember when…?” non-sequiter non-joke.