By Robert Scucci
| Published 12 seconds ago
If you’ve ever watched films like The VelociPastor but wished it had more scantily clad babes fighting other scantily clad babes, while geeks in the background fire off endless Star Trek references as they wage an ultimate battle against Internet Zombie Domination Software, then you really only have one choice: 2002’s Cheerleader Ninjas.
Cheerleader Ninjas is exactly what it sounds like. Cheerleaders train to be ninjas. They fight Catholic school girls from a neighboring parochial reform school. Geeks mess around on the internet and somehow find themselves tangled up in a grand conspiracy that ties everything together. People in chicken and cow costumes get their faces rocked by pom poms, and everybody farts way too much.
So why would you ever want to watch something like Cheerleader Ninjas? Because it’s fun. It’s so fun. I walked away from this one more amused than I care to admit because it’s actually pretty solid once you get past the fact that it looks like it was made for about $600 by a group of college kids.
Seriously, It’s Really Funny
Cheerleader Ninjas is so dumb that it works, largely because it fully leans into the camp. The basic plot rundown is simple, but you really don’t need much to work with here. A group of bible-thumping women known as The Church Ladies are outraged by “internet smut” and place the blame squarely on the cheerleaders at Happy Valley High School. The Church Ladies summon Steve, an overtly, aggressively, defiantly gay teacher at the Catholic school, to train a group of his sexy students to attack the cheerleaders.
Meanwhile, the cheerleaders have problems of their own. Somebody on the internet calling himself Mr. X is using them to beta test his mind control software before unleashing it on the world. Not willing to go down without a fight, the cheerleaders team up with the school geeks to figure out how to stop Mr. X, train in martial arts, and then get into several fights involving slapping, swords, pogo sticks, trampolines, and sprinklers.
It’s all so, so stupid, and there’s also an unwholesome amount of nudity.
Here’s Why Cheerleader Ninjas Works
As stupid as Cheerleader Ninjas sounds, it actually has a lot going for it considering its back-pocket production values. First and foremost, everybody shows up. The banter is deliberately campy, but it’s consistently foul and fluid. A lot of movies with this kind of bootstrapped production fall apart here because nobody knows their lines, takes are rushed, and the editing is sloppy. Everything here is surprisingly clean, all things considered.
What’s more, there are plenty of sight gags. Signage around campus and in-universe ad drops pop in and out, and they’re all timed for maximum comedic impact. It’s all so incredibly lowbrow, but sheer commitment to the bit keeps the Cheerleader Ninjas engine running at full capacity.
Cheerleader Ninjas also embraces its limitations with almost hypnotic levels of glee. There are no stunt doubles or planned choreography, but there are plenty of blowup doll stand-ins when the martial arts sequences get too intense for the actors. Miniatures that are very clearly toys during establishing shots are smash-cut to full-scale actors seconds later. Everything about this movie, as low-budget and campy as it may be, feels deliberate. Even the geeks commit to the bit by never changing out of their Star Trek garb, complete with Shatner beer.
I love a good thriller. I love a great, mind-bending sci-fi epic too. But sometimes you just have to fire up films like Cheerleader Ninjas and turn your brain off so you can admire the audacity of one of the dumbest, yet subtly clever, B-movies Tubi has to offer.
