This column originally appeared in Brian Moylan’s newsletter, The Housewives Institute Bulletin. Sign up here to be the first to read the next edition.
After the ‘The Traitors’ premiere, we’re analyzing the gameplay of Lisa Rinna, Candiace Dillard-Bassett, Porsha Williams, and the rest of the Housewives. Who has the best shot at winning the whole damn thing?
Photo: Euan Cherry/Peacock
At this point, Peacock’s The Traitors is something like a Real Housewives retirement home, giving ladies who aren’t currently on a franchise but are expert practitioners of the reality-television arts and sciences a place to prove exactly why they will always be famous. They have looks, barbs, strategy, and unity. After last season, when it was all gamers up in the turret and they ate each other alive in spectacularly cannibalistic fashion, this year we have two of Andy Cohen’s harem doing the murders, and, along with Love Island standout Rob Rausch, they have decided to do the most shocking thing possible for Housewives: Get along.
It’s never easy for Housewives on this show, namely because their craft is underappreciated and, no matter what, they are always the largest constituency. As Bravoholic (and super-annoyance) Michael Rapaport says in this season’s first episode, there are five Housewives and five “gamers” among the 23 contestants in Alan Cumming’s castle, surely one from each group has to be a Traitor. But, boy, is he wrong (about just about everything, but also about this) because we have two Traitor Housewives this season.
After the first three episodes aired last night, let’s look at how each of our girls is doing and who has the best shot of getting all the way to the end. (Spoilers abound in case you haven’t gotten through all three episodes yet, and, if you haven’t, what are you even doing reading this and not finishing The Traitors at this very moment?)
The only Housewife with a regular gig on Bravo is also the first person voted off. And it’s a shame, too. Porsha brought the laughs, as always, like when someone said they were coming for big personalities, and Porsha told them they better hold off. She also gave us some classic Housewifery when Candiace Dillard Bassett told her that Michael Rapaport was coming after Housewives, and she waltzed right into the kitchen to address the elephant in the room and cause a little bit of drama among herself, Candiace, and Michael.
Porsha’s big mouth is her greatest asset, but it was also her downfall. When she misspoke and said, “When I killed Ian [Terry],” the first person murdered by the Traitors, and followed that up by declaring that she knew there were four Traitors, it was enough to give comedian Ron Funches “evidence” to come after her at the round table. Evidence? On The Traitors? Sir, on this show, we vote based solely on vibes. Thank you very much. It was enough to sway the rest of the players, and she was the first Faithful banished. The worst part is that, when talking about her verbal flubs, multiple cast members said, “Who said that?” in unison, and they had no idea it was a genius Real Housewives callback.
The former Lady of London and the lone surviving member of Real Housewives of Dubai is the only Housewife who hasn’t popped onscreen yet, except for wearing jackets with shoulders so big they look like they were meant for putting over a stack of three children trying to play a single adult. Known for her bitchiness and commanding a group, she has yet to unleash any of that in the Highlands.
She has, however, made one very smart decision: getting close to former Bachelor fence-jumper Colton Underwood. At the second round table, he risked life, limb, and potential dismemberment from the Swifties to lead the charge to get rid of Donna Kelce, who turned out to be a secret Traitor. He’s now fashioned himself as something of a Traitor hunter. A Housewife keeping a low profile and staying on the good side of a die-hard Faithful got Dolores Catania all the way to the winners’ circle last season; it may work again for Caroline. Leave it to a Housewife to find an adoring gay to glom on to.
Poor Dorinda. When she was up for murder after the first challenge, it seemed like history was going to repeat itself, and she would end up the first boot yet again. Wouldn’t it be kind of genius if they just had the Lady of Bluestone Manor back every season just to kill her off before the second episode? She survived the night this time, and her tears at making it to breakfast were real and quite touching. It seems like everyone is on her side this time around.
She’s certainly taking a different tack with her second coming. She’s not picking fights, as she did in her one episode last season, instead laying low and seemingly blending into the pack. She’s also staying loyal to the Housewives, sticking with Lisa Rinna in a group challenge and lobbying for the gals to stick together. It’s not a terrible strategy. Being besties with a Traitor (or two in this case!) is one sure way not to get murdered. But we know Dorinda: She’s one tense roundtable (and a few too many cocktails) from exploding and showing everyone her nasty side.
My one quibble with Lisa Rinna on the show is that her iconic hair is looking a little flat. I know they have to do their own glam, but she doesn’t own 73 wigs in the same cut by now? Her styling aside, the biggest detriment to Rinna’s game is just what Candiace said before meeting her fellow Traitor in the turret: Of course they would make Lisa Rinna a Traitor. Caroline Stanbury seconded that emotion and said, “Lisa would run her grandmother down.” And these are her friends.
But that’s only because they know her from the Bravo universe. So far in the castle, she’s been playing up her daffiness and seeming like she has no clue what is going on when she is actually running an expert game. Yes, Lisa is an actress, and she is putting those Melrose Place chops to work! Teaming up with fellow Traitor Rob to speak in code and murder in plain sight was absolutely masterful, and helping keep the group of baddies together has been her strength. Based on the previews, however, the obviousness of her selection is going to come up soon, and based on her tenure on RHOBH, Lisa has never been good at deflecting the heat.
Similar to Candiace saying Lisa was an obvious choice, if I were in the castle, I would say there are few Housewives more suited for the role than the inventor of the “cryangle.” So far, she hasn’t shown the trash-talking, down-and-dirty, gutter-sniping Candiace that was so divisive with fans. There was one moment, in the first challenge, when they were placing a casket in a grave to determine who would be eligible for murder. Ron said, “Do a Housewife,” and Candiace put on her big-girl voice and shot it down immediately, saying, “We are not doing Housewives.” You know they listened! Now that is the kind of control in this game I can’t wait to see Candiace take.
She hasn’t been pushed to take the game by the reins yet but among the HWs, she’s absolutely best positioned to do it. She’s excellent at covering her tracks as a Traitor, and she helped to get Donna out, which will score her bonus points for being a Faithful. Also, if Rinna is found out before she is, she’ll have the protection of the rest of the cast believing that there’s no way there would be two Bravo Babes up in the turret sharpening their knives. If I’m betting on anyone to win right now, it would be Traitor Rob, but Candiace is a close second. She’s also made the wise decision to buddy up with Tara Lipinski, a Faithful she can take to the end and deceive to win the money. She says she’s keeping Tara around only for her wand curler because hers broke, but this is why Candiace is so deadly: It’s a sharp strategy wrapped up in silliness.
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Dame Brian Moylan breaks down all the gossip and drama, on- and off-screen, for dedicated students of the Reality Television Arts and Sciences.
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