Prior to Brie’s three-year-old son starting kindergarten, he had never been in the care of anyone other than his parents.
“Any new environment, or environment without us, obviously impacted him greatly,” says the 44-year-old from Geelong/Djilang, who asked we keep her real name private.
Knowing her son’s temperament and needs, she worked with the kindergarten on how best to transition him.
“We met with the kindergarten initially and asked if we could stay for as long as we wanted.
“They did say ‘yes, that’s definitely an option’, and that they have kids in this situation [who might struggle with adjusting] all the time.”
The transition, as Brie and her husband had expected, was hard to begin with.
The pair took turns staying at the service with their son, sometimes up to five hours each day. They did that for six weeks.
How the childcare abuse crisis is rewriting parenthood
It’s natural to feel nervous about transitioning your baby or child into early childhood education, explains Nesha Hutchinson, vice president at the Australia Childcare Alliance.
“It’s a really normal response and this is why childcare centres have their own processes they know work for their particular community.”
Knowing some settling techniques, as well as what you can advocate for on behalf of your child, can help their transition.
Get to know the centre
It’s important to spend as much time at the centre as possible in the lead up to starting there, says Ms Hutchinson, such as attending orientations.
If you feel your child needs more time to adjust, you can request more orientations or “stay and plays” than what is offered, she says.
Ms Hutchinson recommends attending the centre at different times too, so you can get to know all the educators employed there. Some may only be there at drop-off times, but not pick-ups, for example.
Ask questions about the routines, such as where children will be sleeping, at what times of day, and where they will eat lunch.
“Get to know that routine … and talk about it positively with your child,” Ms Hutchinson says.
With babies, she says you may be able to stay in the centre to put them to sleep and be there when they wake up. Then transition to putting them to sleep, but allowing an educator to wake them while you are in the room. And next time be present while an educator does both.
“All those sorts of things can be really helpful,” Ms Hutchinson says.
Children will follow your lead
Sheila Degotardi is a professor and director of the Macquarie University Early Childhood Education Research Centre.
She says families spending time at the service helps prepare the child for days without a caregiver or parents present, rather than “leaving them without warning”, which can raise their anxiety and distress.
It also means the child can see you establishing relationships with educators, enabling them to build trust.
Every child care or kindergarten will have processes when it comes to settling a child in. (Pexels)
Professor Degotardi says children, even babies, are “very perceptive” and will identify how the family and educators are relating and interacting.
“Take that time to be in the room with your child, so the child starts to see, ‘OK, well my parents are chatting away to the educators, that seems to be OK, so maybe those educators are OK.’
“Relationships don’t happen by chance, they happen over time with repeated, positive interactions.”
If you can’t spend much time in the centre, Professor Degotardi suggests tag teaming with a partner or other trusted family members.
She says parents and caregivers can take cues from educators on when it might be a good time to leave, even if that’s for short periods of time to begin with.
That goodbye process can be difficult for parents and children.
Professor Degotardi says you know your child and their needs best. While some parents may decide a short goodbye process is best, others may choose to stay longer.
“If the child is really clinging on to their parent, and if the crying persists, that may indicate that the child is struggling,” Professor Degotardi says.
“It’s OK to say ‘Well I don’t need to leave right now, let’s get on the floor and play together’ and an educator can join in, to build that trust.”
Ms Hutchinson recommends parents and caregivers work towards short and consistent drop-off routines, adding parents who leave while their child is upset can request a call from the centre for an update.
She says children often settle within five minutes of a parent leaving.
Transitional objects and rituals
Taking comfort toys, also known as transitional objects, to the service can help infants and young children feel calm, says Ms Hutchinson.
It might be a T-shirt mum puts under her arm in bed each night that absorbs familiar smells for the baby — “especially if she is breastfeeding” — or a favourite teddy or a family photo, she says.
“Photos from home can be really reassuring, many centres often have a family wall so kids feeling anxious can look at a photo.”
There are different ways to think of transition objects, says Professor Degotardi, who used a “ritual” instead. She would give her son’s hand a kiss through the fence as she was exiting the centre, leaving a lipstick mark.
“It helped him feel secure.”
This dad’s experience with separation anxiety
Settling in can take time
Brie hoped being present in the kindergarten with her son for long periods would help him feel safer to build connections with educators and children.
While she says she didn’t always feel her presence was supported by the centre, or that the educators were motivated to try alternative strategies, things eventually improved for her son.
“Our transition was more gentle and set him up for success.
“When we did leave, there was tears, but at least we knew he was familiar with the space, with the educators, he had made connections with the children, so he could seek comfort, whether that was an activity, a toy, a friend, or somebody.
“It was all about his temperament, and nurturing that, and not expecting him to change, but changing his environment to allow him to feel confident and comfortable.”
Ms Hutchinson says open and honest communication with the educators and centre director is key.
If a child isn’t settling well, “it can take time to work out what is going on,” she says.
“Talk to the educators, spend time there being positive. Kids read whether you are happy or not, and act accordingly.”