Two Truths and a Single Guy
Season 11
Episode 10
Editor’s Rating
2 stars
**
Salley proves she’s the newest agent of chaos in Charleston — sacrificing chicks and torpedoing Craig’s new relationship.
Photo: Bravo
Of all the places that we’ve seen the yahoos on these shows travel, there is none that I have wanted to rent more than Itchy Grass Farm, Whitney’s family retreat. The main house is gorgeous, the pool is made for Instagram, and each of the cottages looks more divine than the next, even the ones with rusty knives hanging around for decoration-slash-protection from the wild donkey spirits that surely roam near all those snake-infested lakes. What about Shep’s room above the barn? Fantastic! And it gives a whole new meaning to a “roll in the hay.” (Hopefully, there is no hay.) Itchy Grass doesn’t appear to be on Airbnb, so consider this my official request for an invitation.
As hospitable as the whole Slagsvol family is, the episode really revolves around Austen and Salley and Craig and Charley, like some Dollar Store version of Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice. The day after Austen’s disastrous birthday dinner, where it seems like Craig and Austen’s bromance has ruptured for good, Austen has an afternoon wine and a cuddle with his emotional-support cats before calling Madison to debrief. He says he doesn’t care about the status of his relationship with Craig anymore. Also, during this phone call, he tells Madison that he broke up with Audrey, but this tidbit is saved for later so the editors can save all of their ammo for when Austen tells Venita and Rodrigo on the drive to the farm.
This raises questions about the entire timeline. When exactly did he break up with Audrey? Was it after the fight at Rodrigo’s engagement party? Was it the day of his birthday dinner? Does that mean she got him a birthday gift that she never gave him because he broke up with her, and there is a shark-tooth necklace sitting unused on her coffee table? Or did he do it that morning after the birthday dinner? And, if he did it sometime before the dinner, why didn’t he bring it up and tell Craig to shut it, and that he had already broken up with Audrey. If that’s the case, it seems like many of Craig’s arguments about their friendship would have been entirely moot. And if he did it after the dinner, did he finally listen to Shep and Craig and just dump her?
That’s the only discussion that we really get about Austen and Craig. They ride up to the farm in separate cars, avoid each other at the farm, and stay in separate cabins, so it seems like they’re taking some time off from each other. But Rodrigo thinks they’ll eventually find their way back to one another. He says, “They can’t quit each other. They have to go back up to Brokeback Mountain to settle scores.”
The car rides up are stark in their differences. Austen, Venita, and Rodrigo talk about Austen’s fight with Craig, Austen’s breakup with Audrey, and Craig’s relationship with Charley. Molly, Charley, Salley, and her extra e talk about Austen’s fight with Craig, Austen’s breakup with Audrey, and Craig’s relationship with Charley. Shep, Whitner, and Craig talk about, well, I don’t know what exactly. Surfing? LIV Golf? The most comfortable beer-resistant boat shoe? Ugh. Boys.
The topics that are addressed in the cars, other than LIV Golf, are the topics that drive the rest of the episode. We’ve already talked about Austen and Craig, so next up is Austen’s breakup with Audrey, which, like the studs on Heated Rivalry, is something we all saw coming. Austen says something was missing that was no fault of Audrey’s, and that it was one of his hardest breakups, because there’s no beef. The narrative quickly moves on to what this means for Austen and Salley, who is going to date a man on this show even if she needs to send Rodrigo to conversion therapy. When Austen’s car calls Salley’s car to gossip, Audrey comes up, and Austen says that he needs to talk to Salley about that. Salley immediately begins fantasizing about the size of the house they’re going to buy, making a Pinterest board for their wedding, and picking out baby names. Sorry. Babey names. This is what happens when Salley sacrifices the three chicks she bought for Craig to cast a dark magic love spell.
Anyway, as soon as Salley hears this prospective news, she asks the car, “Did Austen and Audrey break up?” They have no idea. As soon as Salley arrives at the farm and sees Venita, who wants to fix their rift, Salley is like, “Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Did Austen break up with Audrey because I sacrificed three chicks, I mean … nothing!” Venita says she doesn’t know, which is a strange fib, because she totally knows. Finally, Madison arrives looking wider than she does tall, and Salley says, “OMG, your babey! Did Austen break up with Audrey?” Madison finally tells her “yes,” and Salley has to get up and change her bikini bottoms. Madison also tells her that Austen said he’s not telling a soul. So Madison is going to say something to Salley, the biggest gossip in the group? That means that the news is going to travel faster than measles in RFK Jr.’s America.
That’s because Salley, as Shep and Craig decide, is an agent of chaos, and thank God for her, because if not for her, then this season would be staler than most of my jokes. Salley is also involved in the other story line we must discuss, which is Craig and Charley’s date, which went very well, but Salley is trying her best to sabotage this relationship. In the car ride to the farm, Salley tells Charley that Shep told her that Craig is saying that Charley is already in love with him, and he’s going to hurt her because he doesn’t want to date anyone.
I think that’s the gist of it, at least. I don’t know. Though we hear it repeated several times, it’s never the same thing twice, and we never see footage of Shep actually saying it. That makes me think that one of two things happened. Either Salley made the whole thing up and is trying to torpedo Charley and Craig for jealousy reasons, or there was some kind of game of telephone. I can see a world in which Craig was talking about how fresh his breakup from Paige is still, how he’s not sure about dating someone new because he might not be over it, and if that person is more into him than he is into that person, he might hurt them. You can say a lot of things about Craig (and I do!), but of the boys on the show, he seems the most considerate to the feelings of his female partners. (Shep would say he’s “not neFARious,” mispronouncing the word.) Shep takes this statement and repeats it to Salley, but he mutilates it a little bit because he was thinking about LIV Golf while Craig was saying it. Salley then takes that statement, finds the least generous reading of it, and repeats it back to Charley under the guise of trying to be her friend.
If I had to guess, the second explanation is the most reasonable, but Salley’s motives are driving me a bit wild. She keeps telling Charley she’s trying to protect her, so that she doesn’t get hurt by Craig. But how is this any different from what Venita was telling Salley about Craig when she was trying to date him, and Salley just ignored it? Yes, Salley has some firsthand relationship experience with Craig that Venita didn’t have, but both of their messages boil down to the same thing. While Charley and Salley are fighting about it on the farm, Craig walks by and, in a spectacular moment, says, “That’s okay. Keep talking about me. That’s fine.” Salley also tells Charley, “But I know you, and I know you’re better than him.” That’s just what Venita said! Salley didn’t want to listen and wanted to find out on her own. Why can’t she extend the same courtesy to Charley now that she’s in the same position? Maybe Salley’s just mad that she didn’t listen to Venita and got embarrassed, so she’s upset that Charley is going to make the same mistake? I don’t know. Salley’s messy. But I love that for us.
After all the fighting and rounds of hamburgers and hot dogs on the grill, everyone retired to their respective cabins. Rodrigo and Austen are not only sharing a cabin but, according to Rodrigo, at least sharing a bed. They walk out of the cabin, practically hand in hand, and sit in the two Adirondack chairs on a little dock looking out over an algae-tinged pond. “Welcome to Brokeback Pond,” Austen says, evoking the queer-movie classic for the second time this episode. The two sit in the darkening evening, their hands hanging off the arms of the chairs, practically touching, and Austen thinks about reaching out a finger, testing the waters, seeing what life could be like now that he’s broken up with his long-term partner, the one he truly loves, the one he dreams about when picturing his future life and sudsing himself up in the shower. Then that partner walks up, filling out a pair of low-slung jeans in a way that should be criminal. “Hey, can we talk?” Craig asks Austen while staring at his lips and thinking about throwing his whole life away.
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