Even Farther South
Season 11
Episode 12
Editor’s Rating
2 stars
**
Salley is in a prison of her own devising.
Photo: Bravo
First, a big congratulations to Madison and Brett on the birth of their daughter, Teddi. It couldn’t have happened to a nicer couple. Brett is just how I like my spouses of Bravolebrities: quiet, out of the action, and stupidly hot. Madison, of course, is the special sauce that brings this whole group together, bridging the drama of the boys with the drama of the girls. Too bad the baby came early and she missed the cast trip because now that bridge is entirely Rodrigo’s responsibility. Don’t get me wrong, he’s excellent at it (and I much prefer looking at him shirtless), but it’s always more fun when these two devils have each other to play with. Now that Madison’s gone, there’s just no one else working on Rodrigo’s level of bitchy comments and perfect reactions.
Well, Molly could be close, but she doesn’t want to carry the bones, as it were, as much as Mad and Rod always want to. She sure can sing, though. Her “open mic” concert was so sweet and she sounded much better than many of the other people we’ve seen sing on this here basic cable channel (and the next day on Peacock). I would say she’s a little bit worse than Candiace Dillard Bassett, but drastically better than Kim Zolciak-Biermann, Scheana Shay, Countess Luann, Danielle Staub, Simon Van Kempen, Gretchen Christine Beauté, and LOCK, the Ladies of Rock.
Most of the episode, however, is about the cast’s trip to Puerto Vallarta, and I swear if they don’t even make a stop at Andale’s, I am going to riot. And what happened on the cast trip? Mostly Salley airing her extra E and all of the grievances she has against Charley. It starts when they’re back in Charleston, and Salley asks why Charley didn’t go to Molly’s concert. She says it’s because she was out to drinks with Craig. Charley may have come straight from a colonic, but sadly, that didn’t flush out all of the bullshit that Salley was about to serve up. Salley says that she feels that Charley is hiding things from her and that is a “slap in the face to their friendship.” Salley says that Charley used to tell her everything about boys, but now is silent about Craig, and she doesn’t get it.
Ah dooooyyyy, Salley. What is not to get? Salley shot her shot with Craig and missed worse than a drunk frat boy trying to keep his stream from hitting his Air Force Ones. Then she talked all this shit about Craig and told Charley that she should avoid him. Why would she talk to Salley about Craig? What’s even worse is that Salley thinks that Craig is telling Charley not to say anything to her and that Craig is so calculated. Craig is a lot of things — a liar, a fastidious beekeeper, a conspiracy theory truther, a fake lawyer, an excellent groomer, a temper tantrum thrower — but one thing he is not is intuitive enough to tell Charley not to tell Salley. In Mexico, he says that he never wants to be a source of conflict between the girls. I don’t entirely believe that, but his intentions are at least good. Also, he doesn’t care enough about Salley to go to those lengths to keep info from her. This is Charley self-censoring. This is Charley wanting to spare herself from hearing from her best friend how shitty the boys she’s excited about getting to know are.
What’s annoying is that this is a prison of Salley’s own devising. She poured the concrete floor, she set the bars into it, she welded all the bars together being very careful to leave a space big enough for a tray of food, she selected the metal toilet. Each time she talked shit about Craig to Charley she aided in her little jail cell construction and it’s frustrating that she doesn’t see that. When they’re in Mexico, Charley makes this explicit. Salley says, “Best friends warning each other about certain situations. That’s all I’m doing.” And Charley responds that is exactly the reason she doesn’t bring it up, because she’s enjoying what is happening with Craig and she doesn’t want to be tainted by Salley’s opinion.
There are a few things about this that infuriate me. First, I have to point out once again that this is exactly what Venita was doing with Salley at the beginning of the season, and Salley can’t see these parallels at all. She can’t see how she wanted the space from Venita that Charley is now asking for from her. Salley, however, can’t see anything but her own hurt and can’t be happy for her friend that she found something resembling happiness, or at least horniness. (Aren’t they often the same thing?)
The next point of anger is when the girls fight. Rodrigo is sitting by the pool, and Rod says that none of the guys should be trusted for information. He asks Salley if Craig lies. This is the easiest pop quiz I have ever seen. This is easier than the $100 question on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? It’s basically like Regis Philbin (RIP) just asked, “In the musical Annie, she sings the famous lyric, ‘The sun will come out [blank].’ Is it: A. Tomorrow, B. 2 Live Crew, C. Toucan Sam, or D. 2 Broke Girls.” But Sally can’t just say, “A. Tomorrow. Final answer.” She hems and haws and doesn’t say anything and makes it into a scene. When pressed, she says that she’s not supposed to disparage Craig. Ugh, that is missing the point entirely. Yes, she’s not supposed to disparage Craig, but not like this. Why can’t she just be normal? It’s like she’s drawing more attention to the fact that Craig is a liar (something that already draws more attention than Whitney wearing jeans to the pool) by pretending like she doesn’t have anything bad to say about the man.
What really infuriates me about that moment, however, is that Rod’s comment was kicked off by Salley talking about her connection with Austen. Yes, she’s still upset about what happened with Craig, but she’s throwing herself at Austen like he’s a wall and she’s a piece of spaghetti, and she doesn’t know if she’s cooked or not. (She’s cooked. She’s fully cooked.) The English have a great expression for what Salley is doing. They call it “Factor 50,” like sunblock with SPF 50; it’s so thick that no matter how much you rub it in, you can still see it from 50 paces away. Austen says that he doesn’t mind it, that it’s kind of nice to have someone just so outwardly flirting with him. My problem is that it’s just so clumsy. It’s just that every single thing leads to the lamest, most obvious answer. There’s no charm, mystery, or wit to it. It’s just a bunch of single entendres. Charley asks what bed she wants, and she says, “It doesn’t matter, I’m not sleeping here.” Austen jokes about undoing a button, and she says, “Just take your shirt off.” Austen asks if he can get a drink, and she says, “Can you drink my vagina?” No, she didn’t. But she would!
Luckily, the episode ends not with Salley but with Craig going after Venita. Shep says they should play a game. I’m sorry, but if they’re playing “Who At This Table Do You Trust the Least?” then I am not interested. Shep’s game is like coming up with New Year’s resolutions for the person sitting next to you. Venita says that she wishes that Austen would stand up for himself more. She keeps it vague, but both Whitner and Craig know that it is directed at the other end of the table and squarely at Craig. He rebuts that Venita doesn’t know anything about their relationship, which he assumes because he never talks to her. What he doesn’t know is that she hears all about it from Austen when he calls to bitch to her. She knows at least one side of that relationship, and that’s why she is advising Austen against Craig. Venita is right. If you just listened to Craig talk about the guy, you would think that he hated them. Then Craig says, “Venita, you don’t exist in my world, so just fuck off.” Then, as they’re sitting on the verandah of Elizabeth Taylor’s old house, lightning flashes and thunder claps. Everyone is startled to attention, and when they look over at Craig’s chair, they find that there is nothing left but a pile of bony ash on top of a pair of the ugliest suede moccasins you ever did see.
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