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Pausing is the medicine for our times, Jillian Pransky believes.
In her 30 years as a wellness coach, she has found most people are living their lives on high alert. Their nervous systems fire up their stress response so continuously that extreme alert actually seems normal.
“Pausing is the most immediate and reliable way to retrain our nervous system and self-regulate,” she writes in her book, The Power of the Pause.
She stresses that pausing is not a “holding” pattern or a freeze. It’s more active than that, a way to ground ourselves while creating the space to better see, sense and access what is happening at this moment inside and around us. It gives us the chance to choose how to respond best to the current situation or circumstances, particularly when we’re in the heat of anger or feeling hurt, defensive or ashamed.
But telling someone to pause doesn’t work, just as when you tell somebody to relax. They are wound up and the advice only makes them more uptight.
“Our brains are designed NOT to pause when we are feeling threatened, defensive, scared or anxious,” she writes.
Instead, we shift into autopilot mode to do the fastest thing we can to survive. Essentially, we are relying on our unconscious reactions to keep us safe.
Instead, you need to develop a pattern of mindful responses you have practised and can call upon to get you grounded. She recommends a six-step process, each involving a deep breath and meditative thought that she dubs LARLAR.
The first LAR – which stands for Land, Arrive and Relax – helps you interrupt the stress response and set your neurological conditions to pause. The second LAR – this time for Listen, Attend and Respond – allows you to use that pause to become clearer, access your wisdom and compassion and expand your capacity for choice after a stressful situation occurs.
Here’s how it works:
Step 1: Tune into the support underneath your body – your chair, for example, or the floor – and then take a deep breath to feel further grounded and LAND. Then exhale. Step 2: Now take another breath to ARRIVE. Follow the flow of your breath into your body, so your mind arrives with it, and you are firmly in the present moment. Step 3: Another breath, this time to RELAX any unnecessary clenching, gripping or holding and feel more at ease in your body. Exhaling, soften your jaw, shoulders and hands. Step 4: On this breath, allow yourself to LISTEN to the thoughts, feelings or sensations you may be having. You want to understand the feelings under your anger, defensiveness or other emotion that has shaken your cool. “If we can know what is happening inside of our bodies, our emotions, our tensing, our habitual ways of shutting down, while we are listening, then we can choose to relax and open on purpose to whomever we are listening. We can better understand what they are actually saying, rather than interpreting their meaning through the filter of our own stress,” she notes.Step 5: On this breath ATTEND to yourself, meeting and caring for all the feeling, thoughts and experiences that arose in your body and mind. “Many of us treat our loved ones or good friends compassionately, but few have ever learned to treat ourselves this way, especially in times of vulnerability,” she says. Step 6: On this final breath in the sequence, acknowledge any clarity for your response to the situation which may have arisen already inside you. With balance restored, feeling calmer and more cared for, you can RESPOND with greater intention, compassion and control to the situation at hand.
She acknowledges the LARLAR acronym is a bit silly and eyes roll when she first suggests it. But it’s a technique that is simple and she says after practice in 90 seconds will increase your ability to regulate your nervous system as well as understand yourself and those around you in times of stress.
Quick hits
When quoting a high price for your services, be it in a client call, job interview or salary review, career coach Jenny Wood says in her newsletter you should do it without flinching. Say your number and then shut your mouth. When you start talking – adding “but I’m flexible” or “that’s just a starting place” – you undercut yourself and lose out. Whether you win or lose a deal, before you rush to move on sales specialists Lisa Earle McLeod and Ian Gross urge you to pause and ask three questions: How would the customer articulate the value of their choice? Who was the most influential voice in and out of the room? Beyond price, what were the customer’s key deciding factors? Consultant Roy H. Williams observes “everyone loves AI to do the things they hate, but they hate AI when it does the things they love.”
Harvey Schachter is a Kingston-based writer specializing in management issues. He, along with Sheelagh Whittaker, former CEO of both EDS Canada and Cancom, are the authors of When Harvey Didn’t Meet Sheelagh: Emails on Leadership.