“I think about dying all the time. It’s not just about manners in which or the physical act of, but I think all the time, Yo, it’s going to happen.”
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The Maria Bamford Questionnaire is a series of 25 questions designed by the beloved comedian to unearth surprising truths about its respondents. In this edition, you’ll learn about Reality Mastermind Ariana Madix, who was a central cast member for 11 seasons on Bravo’s Vanderpump Rules and now hosts Love Island USA on Peacock.
Lately I’ve been eating these sour mango things. I don’t know what they’re called, but I get them from Sprouts.
I think my own religion would be very music-focused and similar to when you go to a music festival and feel like you’re having a communal experience while listening to your favorite artists. That would be a big part of it. Outside of that, as long as you’re being nice to people, there’s no rules. Except for maybe thinking I’m cool or I’m the best — cult-leader vibes, but a cool cult. A good cult.
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I would be the face of high-end beauty and wellness gadgets, so those things that turn hot and cold while you’re putting them on your face and the red-light masks. Whatever is the latest and greatest in beauty and wellness technology, I would want to be the face of that.
Dying. I have a very strong fear of dying in any and all ways, shapes, and forms. When I was a kid, I was scared of waves because I had that washing-machine thing happen to me in the ocean too many times. For a while, I was really scared of tornadoes, but I feel like it all always comes back to dying. It’s been a big theme my whole life.
I just went to Coachella. Groundbreaking. It was my 12th time going. It’s not the only festival that I go to, but it is one of my favorites because I can drive there. I get to spend a weekend with my friends, frolic in the fields, feel free, and go see way more shows and musical artists than I would ever be able to see over the span of a year. I know there’s some judgment toward Coachella that it’s just some influencer thing, but it’s not really like that. There’s over a hundred thousand people who go each weekend, and it’s just a really beautiful experience. I love music, so for me to be able to see that much music in one sitting — old artists, new artists, all different genres — is pretty awesome.
The last thing I read was definitely a text message. I was texting my partner about where to get dinner tonight. We’re going to Daisy in Sherman Oaks. He’s never been.
It’s not here yet, but I just bought a used PlayStation 5 controller. I’m still playing the Spider-Man game, and we just bought a new Resident Evil game. There’s this game where you can befriend cats. It’s not the main part of the game, but I thought that was a cool, exciting thing you can do.
Most people in the current administration. I find ways to avoid ever actually audibly listening to them. I usually just read what someone says and then I don’t have to actually listen. It’s a loud, grating voice.
All the little places that I used to love going to that aren’t open anymore, so I know that I won’t ever be able to return to them. There was a really cute little wine bar in Studio City called Vintage Wine that I used to love popping into. Super-casual, having a little glass of wine, but it’s closed, so sadly I’ll never be able to go back there.
I’m very lucky in that I have a lot of people that I’d be able to turn to for financial support and to stay with. I’m blessed with amazing, awesome friends and family and my partner. He would obviously be the person I would go to first. I also would not be opposed to moving back into the house I grew up in with my mom and just being a couple of girls making things happen.
I would like to be in every single TV show and every movie. I really enjoy a deadpan comedy. I like whimsical, fantastical things as well. I would love to do animated stuff. Voice-acting would be cool.
I would love to be able to quit drinking copious amounts of caffeine. I actually think I should be medicated. When I was put on antidepressants, it made me more tired, so I felt like that wasn’t the way to go. So I think there’s something out there somewhere that I should be on because I am just so tired. I also have really low blood pressure, so if someone’s watching this and they know what I should be doing, aside from drinking so much caffeine to stay awake all day, let me know. I would love to quit that. Obviously I know it’s not good for you.
I would want to take a brain ride in Christina Koch’s consciousness, because she just went around the moon and I want to know all about it. I love space, so I want to hear everything about it. If I could be in her consciousness, I would know what it’s like to be out there. I just think it would be so fascinating.
I had a really good week, so I regret nothing.
Immediately what comes to mind is my grandmother and my great-grandmother, who are both passed. I’m jealous they were able to experience all of these different time periods before I was born. My great-grandma was born in 1898, so before cars. To know what that’s like, and then to live through the whole 20th century and watch all of that happen and all of this technology, must be so fascinating.
My hair has been two colors, aside from when I’ve done pink spray. I was blonde my whole life and then recently it’s brunette, and that’s it. I love a wig, but that doesn’t count. So three, if pink counts.
This is a good question for me because I actually want to live everywhere. I went to Thailand last year, and I fell in love with Bangkok. If I can live in Bangkok for a while, I would want to do that. I would love to live somewhere in the countryside in Europe. I would love to live in Hong Kong. I have a running theme in my life where I want to do everything and be everything and be everywhere.
I’m a very anxious person who thought-spirals all the time, and when I watch old episodes of Vanderpump Rules or clips of it on TikTok, there’s a certain personality trait that people think I possess that I do not. I am not Cool Girl. I am not “not like other girls.” I’m none of that. They think I’m chill. I’m not chill.
I’m watching someone who is fucking terrified and anxious and doesn’t know what to say and is afraid of saying the wrong thing, and I’m literally watching the thoughts spiraling behind my eyes in these clips. So in those moments where I wasn’t getting along with somebody, whether I liked them or not, they still give off this sense of knowing themselves: This is how I feel in this moment, and I feel comfortable putting that out there. I’ve always struggled with that, and that’s something I’ve definitely learned from people I’ve had conflicts with in the past.
I actually did not have breakfast this morning, so that is a big bummer. My usual breakfast is egg whites, avocado, and usually some kimchee. Maybe a little salad and overnight oats. And got to put hot sauce on there. I love Tabasco.
My dog is hilarious. She’s got a lot of things in her DNA, but she’s part pit bull and husky, and those are two really personality-driven breeds of dog. When I come home, I can hear her from the street. She’s just howling and running around. She knows I don’t like her to rush the front door because I’m always afraid she’s going to run outside. So then she’ll run to her bed and wiggle her butt super-hard and then she does this thing on the rug where she will army crawl for 12 feet to get to me while she’s going “A-woo woo!” It cracks me up every time.
The constant attacks on immigrants to the United States. ICE detention centers are not funny to me. Attacks on trans rights are not funny to me. Bigoted people in general are not funny.
I love the moon, and I think it’s beautiful on so many levels. She’s our protector. She’s also my ruling planet. I don’t know if you saw the recent photos of her, but you should look them up because they are absolutely stunning. She’s so much more beautiful than we ever thought from our view down here. She’s just a beacon of joy and light and protection.
I think it’s really ugly when people are super-judgmental toward strangers. You can be the most beautiful person in the world, but if you are leaving hateful comments on the internet or filming strangers to post it online because you think it’s cool to make fun of people, I think that’s ugly.
I’ve actually done this math. I didn’t sit there and calculate it, but I looked into it, and there are people who have done this math. The answer technically, for most people, is like $10 million. Because apparently, from what I read, if you have that amount of money somewhere, the interest that you receive on the bank accounts is basically a salary — a really good one. So I’ll trust them on that.
But I don’t know if I would ever stop working. The women in my family who came before me have all continued working way, way into their later years, and there’s something to be said for that. Doing what you love, or having something that you’re passionate about, or something that you want to go get up and do every day — that really is positive. So I think I would still work.
I actually cannot answer this because I worry that I will manifest something. As I said earlier, I think about dying all the time. It’s not just about manners in which or the physical act of, but I think all the time, Yo, it’s going to happen. My superstition tells me that if I even go there, the universe will be like, “Ha ha, you thought that?” So I don’t think I can safely answer that question, but just know that every single cause is something that I have probably thought of because it never leaves my mind. I’m scared. I’ll be lying in bed tonight like, Is this the night?