The fight that erupts between Liz and Jo-Ellen in the middle of Rich’s Frank Sinatra tribute performance is the type of beautiful mayhem that makes Housewives great.
Photo: Bravo
“That was the ride of hell,” Alicia says about her car ride to Rich’s show, after Liz spent it berating her over her claim of homelessness. And if that’s coming from Alicia, for whom every drive is already a nightmare, you know it’s especially bad. To make matters worse, they’re the first to arrive, so they’re forced to awkwardly sit in silence. Liz is being ice cold, Jo-Ellen is trying to control the situation, and Alicia is openly weeping, with tears silently streaming down her face as she reads the menu. Ultimately, it’s a hilarious scene for Ashley of all people to walk in on.
“She’s got allergies,” Jo-Ellen lies, trying to explain away Alicia’s visible tears to Ashley, who’s just happy to be anywhere. We’re also joined by a new friend, Monique, who’s one of Rosie’s best friends and an old co-worker of Alicia’s — because if there’s one thing we’ve learned so far it’s that Alicia Carmody knows every single person in Rhode Island. Monique is married to former Patriots player Patrick Pass, and while she doesn’t get up to much this week, her intro makes it seem like we’ll be getting more of her eventually.
Once they’re settled (or at least as settled as they can be given the circumstances), Rich’s show begins. I was so curious how Bravo would go about showing us a Frank Sinatra tribute performance, given their reluctance ever to license real music, and sure enough, he kicks things off with a rousing royalty-free performance of “When The Saints Go Marching In.” Okay, Joker: Folie à Deux! Was it kind of giving that 30 Rock episode where they did “Public Domain Week” on America’s Kidz Got Singing? Absolutely. But was Alicia suddenly having the time of her life grooving to this classic? You better believe it. In fact, it revitalizes her so much that she tries to make peace with Liz across the table, but she doesn’t bite and instead heads outside for a cigarette.
Jo-Ellen follows, but what I was most thrown by was that it was still fully daylight outside. What time was this show? Noon? In any case, they keep fighting over a cigarette, and Liz is acting like an insane person, refusing to engage with Jo-Ellen in any reasonable way, which infuriates her as they storm back into the show. In that time, Rich has changed into what looks to be his First Communion suit, and he starts to sing “Can’t Help Falling In Love With You.” That’s right, both songs that they show Rich singing for his “Sinatra Sunday” Frank Sinatra tribute performance… are not Frank Sinatra songs. But Alicia, who screams out in delight when he begins, doesn’t seem to mind — and sings along to the romantic Elvis song while Jo-Ellen and Liz are actively fighting at the table mid-performance.
I can’t remember the last time a Housewives scene brought me this much joy. It’s beautiful filmmaking, it’s hilarious, it’s Emmy-worthy. The juxtaposition between the love song and the hate-filled argument that it’s unintentionally scoring is simply incredible television. Liz tugs on Jo-Ellen’s hair, Alicia (taking only a momentary break from fanning out) screams at Jo-Ellen not to react, Liz shoves her chair clear away from her — it’s mayhem.
Now, like me, you might assume that Rosie would be furious about this display at Rich’s show, but what I’m quickly learning is that we can’t begin to guess how these women might react to anything. Rosie couldn’t have cared less, her eyes were looking only at Rich singing his little songs, not at the drama playing out directly in front of his stage. “Anyways, Rich is amazing at singing!” she says with glee. I love the way they love.
Speaking of things I love, Alicia’s entire family gets together to celebrate because her daughter Celina won… well, she doesn’t exactly know what she won, but she won some dance thing. “There’s a name for it. It’s like, Miss Title. It’s like a big deal,” Alicia says. But even though the dinner is to celebrate Celina, she has to exile her momentarily so she can fill her mom and aunts in on all the new drama. “Celina, go ovah there, I don’t want you to pay attention ‘cause you’re a stalkah,” she tells her daughter, before explaining homeless-gate to her family.
Now, you may recall that Liz’s main defense is that she thought Alicia’s family would be upset at her using the word homeless, and this conversation completely invalidates that argument. All of Alicia’s aunts immediately agree that she was in fact homeless, and her mother feels personally offended by Liz’s stance on the matter. But the best part of the conversation comes when Aunt Judy chimes in to suggest that maybe all of the weed is to blame, but Alicia seems to claim that Liz doesn’t partake, she only sells it. That’s a massive bombshell if true, because I had been blaming most of Liz’s behavior and quirks on the assumption that she must just constantly be high out of her mind, so I don’t know what to believe. In any case, Judy doesn’t buy it.
Meanwhile, Liz heads to Dolores’s, where we find out Dolores has a chihuahua named “Dog.” That’s all I want to talk about, quite frankly, but Liz would rather fill in Dolores and Kelsey about the blow-up they missed. She explains that she took offense that Jo-Ellen, a famous pot-stirrer, thought she could play the role of peacemaker. She goes on to say the same thing later in the episode to Rulla, who I had forgotten was on this show. But what better person is there to talk shit about Jo-Ellen with? She similarly explains that she has doubts about Jo-Ellen’s authenticity, which Rulla is happy to cosign. Not only that, but Rulla also suggests in her confessional that Jo-Ellen might be guilty of what she’s accusing Brian of, alluding that she’s having or had an affair of her own. Ultimately, I don’t give a shit, and Rulla can’t continue to pick and choose what parts of that storyline she wants to talk about. If she doesn’t want to talk about Brian’s cheating anymore, she can’t keep bringing up the fact that Jo-Ellen exposed it. And until Rulla has video evidence of Jo-Ellen cheating, it’s a false equivalency.
Speaking of Jo-Ellen, she goes over to Kelsey’s for a little painting date and to tell her side of the story. Kelsey knew she’d one day be caught in the middle of these two, and now that day has arrived. She does a good job of seeing both sides, even though Jo-Ellen tries to put her on the spot like the masterful Housewife she is. When Kelsey doesn’t take the bait, Jo-Ellen explains in her confessional that she thinks Kelsey is afraid of Liz. And listen, I’d be afraid of her too! Her scary reputation has become a recurring theme this season, and for good reason. There’s an unpredictability to her anger that rightfully keeps the other women on guard. Not to mention that her perpetual slurred drawl makes it sound like she’s about to cast some kind of spell on you.
After an episode of them each talking to everybody else about the situation, Liz and Jo-Ellen finally meet up to talk through things face to face, and you could cut the tension with a knife — or one of Jo-Ellen’s nipples. Not only is it seemingly freezing outside, but as soon as the conversation gets started, the skies open up, and it starts pouring, which feels like a bad omen. Liz explains that what she had a problem with was Jo-Ellen positioning herself as the peacemaker, but what Jo-Ellen can’t understand is why Liz, whom she considers one of her best friends, is so mean to her. “We have never been best friends,” Liz brutally fires back, before denying that she ever put hands on Jo-Ellen, despite the footage of her doing exactly that. “You are the fucking devil. I didn’t pull your hair, and you know it,” Liz says. Again, there is video footage of that happening, so I’m looking forward to seeing how Liz manages to deny it at the reunion — but until then, she’s had enough of this conversation (because she’s losing), so she storms out.
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