From the company that brought kids fun and quirky instructional books in the aughts, we introduce these new activity books for our beloved customers who are all grown up:

Klutz Book of One Day of Pottery

You’ve been so stressed lately. You need to get out of your head and into your body—so why not try ceramics? This Klutz book comes with some quick-dry clay and instructions on how to make a shitty little ashtray that you can show your friends and say, “Yeah, I really love pottery—I’m thinking of starting a business.” Of course, the back pain you experience hunching over your pinch pot will be enough to deter you from ever touching clay again. But, hey, free ($26.99, plus tax and shipping) ashtray!

Klutz Book of Actually Stretching

Speaking of back pain, you’re in your thirties and suddenly every bone and muscle hurts! You need to learn to stretch. Like actually stretch, not just a half-assed ankle-grab before you “jog.” We’re talking sitting, reaching, toe-touching—all of it. This book comes with some resistance bands and the back cover is padded, so you have some cushioning for any kneeling exercises. Because your knees also hurt now?

Klutz Book of Proper Battery Disposal

Why didn’t your parents teach you how to get rid of batteries? This Klutz book includes nonconductive tape to place over the battery terminals, plastic baggies to separate batteries by type, and a handy map of battery-disposal places near you. But beware—the disposal places are often unexpectedly closed for months on end or never existed at all! There’s also one large garbage bag to place all the smaller baggies in so you can hide the batteries in the back of an underused cabinet and never think about them again.

Klutz Book of Closet Cleanouts

A surefire way to lift some of the psychic weight you bear each and every day is the closet purge. This book comes with several labelled boxes including: “Trash,” “Donate,” “Try to Sell at Crossroads,” “Donate After You’re Humiliated at Crossroads,” “Not Quite Trash but Also Not Good Enough to Donate,” “What Is Textile Recycling?,” and “Sentimental Things You Think You Want to Keep But Also Know You Need to Get Rid of.”

Klutz Book of Finally Reading Again

You were a reader as a child. You devoured books—including Klutz books (thanks!). So what gives? These days, you fall right asleep if you even crack a book open. You’ve read maybe one novel in the past three years? And, like, half of two long articles in The Atlantic, which can’t count, right? Unless . . . no, no, it doesn’t count. This Klutz product gently leads you back into literacy, and comes with black-market A.D.H.D. meds to help you focus, a novella that’s just really juicy gossip about people you vaguely know, and reading glasses. Because, babe, you need those now.

The Magical Book of Maintaining Friendships

This is the big sister of our Klutz Klassic Friendship Bracelets Craft Kit. Not only does it include premade friendship bracelets (you do not have time to relearn braiding, and anyway you no longer have the finger dexterity), but it also includes a five-year date planner. Some of your best friends you see only every three months now, and that’s fine! Just make sure that you make a plan. And follow up. And double-check that Mel didn’t forget to write it down.

The Big Klutz Book of Supplements

This is just a giant hollowed-out fake book with bottles of vitamins inside. Seriously, though. Take them. ♦