Gray divorce jumped from 8% to 40% — therapists reveal the 5 traps that break couples in retirement - Israel News Beep

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You’ve done the hard work. You and your life partner have saved money for decades and are ready to leave the workforce. It’s a cause for celebration, until you realize you two have different ideas of what your golden years will look like.

One couple featured in a recent Washington Post (1) article filed for divorce after 21 years of marriage back in 2018 because retirement proved to be a lot different than what their marriage was in their working years.

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It’s not uncommon. The gray divorce rate (2) — divorces among couples 50 and older — has remained elevated since 2010. Moreover, older couples represented 8% of all divorces in the 1990s, but that number ballooned to 40% in 2024 (3).

Not every marriage will end in divorce. But the data points to how tricky retirement can be for couples when they realize just how much free time they have.

“Retirement is likely to reshape your sense of identity, routines, financial stability, and relationship dynamics at the same time,” Dr. Robert Davies, a board-certified psychiatrist at Chroma Wellness Center (4), told Moneywise. “Many couples plan financially for retirement; however, many fail to make provisions for emotional readiness.”

Here are five common problems and tips to consider as you transition into retirement with your other half, according to experts.

1. Loss of confidence and identity

After working 40-plus hours a week for 40 years — either for yourself or at a company — work easily becomes part of your identity. So it’s common for a part of someone’s self worth to be tied to their job. It gives them satisfaction and new goals to aim for on a regular basis.

“Retirement can take away much of what gives a person’s life structure, purpose, and recognition,” Davies said. “As many people find out after retiring, we tend to identify with our careers far more than we realize.”

The solution here, Davies said, is to create identity through activities that give you pleasure, such as hobbies, volunteering, friendship or mentoring. This is better done before retirement so don’t find yourself lost when you’re no longer expected to report to a job every day.

2. Too much time together

As stressful as working can be, jobs do provide a sense of individuality and an opportunity for couples to spend time apart.

“There’s often a fantasy that couples who get to spend more time together will be happier — but this idea often misses the important role that work offers in terms of creating a much-needed sense of autonomy,” Dr. Navvab Tadjvar, a clinical psychologist in Beverley Hills (5), told Moneywise. “To have our own world of satisfaction separate from our partnership paradoxically sustains our desire to be with our partner.”

Without that distance, couples may feel suffocated, he added. And Mary McLaughlin, a licensed clinical social worker (6) and couples therapist in Vienna, Virginia, agrees.

She told Moneywise that even healthy marriages can struggle with adjusting to retirement because people often underestimate how different it feels to share the same space all day.

“You lose privacy, quiet time, and the freedom to move through the day without considering another person’s schedule, needs, or habits,” she said. “Little things like using the treadmill at 6 a.m., a noisy phone call, or clutter left around the house can become surprisingly frustrating.”

3. Anxiety over finances

Living on a newly fixed income can be a challenge unless both spouses are on the same page in terms of budgeting and financial priorities. This can be tricky during retirement because, perhaps for the first time, outside of maybe an unexpected layoff (7), you’re living off your nest egg.

“The true emotional cause of these [money] disputes often lies in a sense of security; one person sees money as an opportunity for freedom, and the other person views it as a means to protect themselves from future risks,” said Stacey Sheller, licensed marriage and family therapist at The Grove Recovery Community (8).

If partners don’t explore the emotional differences causing their views around money, “all they will be doing is battling with numbers rather than resolving the real issues at hand,” she said.

4. Relocation regrets

When older couples retire, they tend to pack up and leave for year-round sunshine or a place where they can lower their monthly expenses. But what they give up in return, may be too high of a price to pay, such as friendships, family, and community.

“Couples need to consider both the cost of living and how much support a new area provides for building and maintaining relationship ties through social activity and a sense of belonging — which ultimately contributes to one’s emotional well-being,” Sheller said.

One tip for couples to consider is to try living in a new place for a few months as a test run. If they like it, then they can sign a deed for a new place.

5. Mismatching travel desires

While people can take years planning for the financial parts of their retirement, very few will discuss what that looks like in terms of everyday life, experts told Moneywise.

One spouse may want to travel for months on end, while the other has a more tranquil life at home pictured with frequent visits from family and friends. Both are valid, but they require open communication and compromise. Health is also something to consider here. One spouse’s health may not be what it used to be, which limits how much they can travel even if they want to.

“The goal isn’t to want the same things; it’s to create a lifestyle that honors both people’s visions of what retirement should look like,” Sheller said. ” Couples who do this well look for balance. A successful retirement isn’t about finding two people with identical dreams. It’s about creating a life where both people’s dreams have room to thrive.”

Gray divorce jumped from 8% to 40% — therapists reveal the 5 traps that break couples in retirement

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