The feature you’re about to read is not a feature. It’s a report, testimony, a completely deranged gonzo story. And it happened to me. Everything I saw and heard, I wrote down. Anything I didn’t see with my own eyes or hear with my own ears, I left out. And if any of this is funny, frightening or unhinged, that’s not because I’ve dressed it up that way. It’s because that’s how it happened. This is a shocking testament to the human condition, and I hereby entrust it, without further judgment or interpretation, to the annals of the nation.
