Mo Preferences, Moe Problem
Season 13
Episode 3
Editor’s Rating
3 stars
***
Photo: Bravo
Nothing exposes the shortcomings of a yachting crew more clearly than a group of demanding guests. This week, the Azul V team finds their first real challenge of the season in primary Carolyn and her life partner, Robby, who are bringing Robby’s super-chill sister Melani onboard, along with “trained healers” in Carolyn’s “inner circle.” These spiritual beings are nothing if not preoccupied with the state of material things, such as the temperature of the wine, for example. Seeking to understand them, Kaylee explains that they are rich hippies, which are, of course, the worst kind of hippie. They want fruit for breakfast, but it must be “artistically cut,” “like it’s gonna make it taste different,” Moe quips.
In other words, they are annoying people with CVS-receipt-long preference sheets. Unfortunately, though, they are within their paying right to request ridiculous things, especially if they prepare the crew well in advance. Is it weird that Melani requests a glass of wine for her turndown service so she can gulp it down when she wakes up in the middle of the night and needs to go back to sleep? Yes, but this nationally televised weirdness shouldn’t stop the interior team from complying. Is it annoying that Melani’s drunken hunger for salty snacks grossly surpasses the rabid, raccoonlike spirit that used to possess me when I got back to my college apartment after consuming unadvised amounts of vodka-cranberry at the townie bar? Yes, but she is a guest, and as such, she is entitled to the nuts and chips.
Given last week’s minor chip incident, it’s a bad sign we’re having this conversation again. The interior team’s failure to fulfill some of the guests’ requests points to a lack of standards, which I’m afraid is coming from Fraser. This week’s mistakes are not grave, but they’re adding up as quickly as Alex’s mistakes on the deck team, which are starting to freak out Kerry. The captain gathers the deck team for a pep talk the day before they pick up the new guests, urging them to be more efficient now that they’ve had their practice run with the first charter. So far so aligned with Alex: That morning, in a bid to be more assertive, he called out his hungover team for showing up late to their morning meeting.
But Alex can’t seem to do anything right. He is strikingly calm about how often he’s falling short of the captain’s expectations. Even his initiative to figure out how to get the slide set up more quickly before the guests arrive doesn’t go over as well as it might have because Alex interrupts the captain mid-sentence. Still, he soldiers on, determined to rely on Matt’s experience with the slide for the best results. His trust in his lead deckhand would have created an atmosphere of collaboration within the team were Matt’s ego not so gigantic. On the first night of the charter, Kerry sends Alex to accompany the guests on their twilight kayak excursion, during which the guests are spared any paddling. In the meantime, Alex instructs Matt and James to deflate and put away the slide. Matt resents that Alex gets to do “the fun stuff” while they’re stuck doing the heavy work, apparently forgetting that he is Alex’s subordinate and ignorant of the fact that it was the captain who sent out Alex. Despite admitting that Alex is a better people manager than he is, Matt maintains that Alex needs to “prove himself as a bosun.” My guy, you are not the captain of this vessel. Alex needs to prove himself to Kerry, it’s true, but not to Matt. The fact that he is constantly underestimating Alex has only made me root for Alex more. Let’s show him!
Meanwhile, in the galley, Moe endeavors to prove himself both to the captain and to the guests. The night before they arrive, while the crew watches a beautiful sunset, Moe uses the time to get ahead of prep. He is nervous because the guests have requested a fine-dining experience when he’s more of an “ugly-delicious” guy. It’s clear he’s feeling the pressure when the provisions arrive the next morning — he gets some containers confused and, were it not for Fraser, would have sent back the caviar Carolyn requested for breakfast (my eyes are rolling into my skull) — and when he decorates the welcome charcuterie board with many beautiful slices of strawberry, forgetting Melani is allergic to the fruit.
But Moe pulls it together in time for dinner and nails a menu that includes Thai crab salad, a beautiful piece of kingfish with curry, and a chocolate matcha cake. Knowing service will push the chef, Kerry comes down to the galley to lend a hand with the dishes. Moe does his part; it’s service that becomes strained under the guests’ demands. They start complaining from the moment they arrive — the Champagne isn’t cold enough (“not drinkable”), and Melani keeps asking for “super-salty” snacks, ideally a can of anchovies, an item that was not on her preference sheet. During dinner, Fraser keeps a list of their complaints: “Wine too warm; stabilizers not working?; salt not good; lime not great; wine glasses not nice,” and so on. Some of these misgivings are serious enough to warrant getting up from the table — Robby finds Fraser in the pantry to ask him to adjust the temperature of the wine.
These guests are obviously grating, but just because they’re difficult, it doesn’t mean Fraser shouldn’t care to appease them. Let us go over what happened with Melani’s turndown wine request. Rosa got confused and brought up the glass of red to Carolyn’s cabin instead. No problem there; we all make mistakes. Before going to bed, Melani asks Rainbeau for some more chips and nuts to take to her room — no wonder she’s so thirsty — an order that seems to slip Rainbeau’s mind. A little over half an hour later, Melani comes out looking for Rainbeau and finds Rosa, who wasn’t told about the chips order. While she has a stew’s attention, Melani complains about the absence of her requested glass of wine, which Rosa is still under the impression was actually Carolyn’s request. But Melani still gets everything she needs: Carolyn hands off the misplaced wine, and Rosa brings up her chips and nuts.
Rosa doesn’t feel bad about these mix-ups because, one, this lady sucks, and, two, it was Rainbeau who forgot about the chips, so it’s not her problem. But the misplaced wine was Rosa’s mistake, which she doesn’t realize until later. To be fair, going over the whole thing with Fraser while pulling her own espresso shot, Melani exaggerates their interaction, saying Rosa told her “emphatically that only Carolyn gets wine next to her bed,” which is not entirely true. But Fraser’s response is also off. In a confessional, he says he trusts Rosa over “this witch” and he doesn’t really care what went on between them. Well, he should. However annoying Melani might be, Rosa did make a mistake, albeit a small one. Talking over the incident with Fraser, Rosa owns up to her mistake, but Fraser then says she “did nothing wrong,” which is simply not true. He could still take Rosa’s side and acknowledge how rude Melani is while also encouraging Rosa to be more attentive. As Aesha always says, appeasing rich people is a huge part of the job. At least Fraser demonstrates a bare-mininum interest in the guests when he gets spun in the air by Jason, who “invented acro-yoga” (?).
Even amid so many absurdities, one of the strangest things that happens this week is Rainbeau suddenly developing an English accent. I’m talking about Rainbeau, the Dutch girl with an Americanized accent and a sorority past. She tells Kaylee and Rosa that their own accents are rubbing off on her, but it weirds out Fraser and for good reason. It comes out when she’s talking to the guests, and she even brings it into her cabin when she’s calming herself down after Fraser criticizes her golden age of Siam tablescape. It reminds you of those kids who went to study abroad in France and came back saying croissant differently.
On the morning of the second day of the charter, Alex has the whole team up and ready to haul anchor in an adjustment of what went wrong last week. But because nothing can be easy for the Azul V’s Charlie Brown, Sen accidentally drops the harness that attaches the Jet Ski to the crane in the water. Learning what happened, Kerry flushes red from head to toe, not necessarily because Sen dropped the strap but because Alex didn’t react quickly enough. According to the captain, it’s basic protocol when you lose something to drop a floated weight behind it so that a searchable area is immediately marked. In the galley with Fraser, Kerry worries he’ll have to “make changes,” which should make Matt foam at the mouth.
It can’t be good for Matt’s overinflated ego that Kaylee is acting obsessed with him. I saved all the boatmance stuff for last because it’s the most boring part of this week’s episode. I will be very surprised if Matt doesn’t break Kaylee’s heart. I felt the need to cover my ears with my hands and go la la la hearing Kaylee tell Rosa she “loves giving people second chances.” Despite venting to James about Kaylee’s eagerness — within the first 72 hours of knowing him, she’s talking about marriage — Matt tells her he wants to be exclusive. Apparently, he is on a journey of self-improvement and means to redeem himself from cheating on a girl he loved for reasons that are not entirely clear to him. We know he can’t be that serious because just a few hours before, he told James he won’t stop “having banter with the other girls” just because he’s exclusive with Kaylee. Then he backtracks and says he’s not interested in anyone else on the boat. What could possibly go wrong?
James understands Matt’s dilemma — he loves flirting, especially with Rainbeau, who calls him eye candy (she should have gone for “quite fit,” maybe, to stay in character) and is always around for a hug. (Rosa, look alive!) But he also tells Matt that being on the boat has made him realize the “girl [he travels] with” may be his person after all. Excuse me, what? Everyone disclosed their relationship status on the first day of the season. Now, all of a sudden, we learn James is in an open relationship with ground rules, like no cuddling and no sex. Later, Matt relays the information to Kaylee, who is suspicious James might be a fuckboy. Oh my God, open your eyes, Kaylee! So far, the only couple conducting themselves normally is Sen and Alex, who made out a little, then put on their professional hats, which they will maybe take off again once the charter is over.
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