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Ladies and gentlemen, witches and warlocks, the most polarizing season of “American Horror Story” is officially behind us following Thursday’s finale of “AHS: 13.” Many viewers are likely shocked that we’ve already come to the end after just six weeks, yearning for more time with their favorite “AHS” all-stars, while another portion of the fandom is probably thankful that this whole thing is being put to bed sooner rather than later.
Regardless of whether you’ve loved this season, hated it, or are still waiting to make up your mind, here’s how it all ends:
When last we left our heroines, they were executing their assault on Mr. Nas, with Ben sneaking Cordelia and Queenie into his New York City apartment. The plan was simple enough — steal Mr. Nas’ life force, turn him into a baby, and banish the li’l goober back to hell for all eternity — but the trio didn’t anticipate encountering his surprise guests. While Mr. Nas trapped Ben in a psychic hold, Rubber Man choked Queenie to death, and Mr. Phibes slashed the life out of Cordelia.
The finale picks up some time later, and we learn that Mr. Phibes has lured 13 unsuspecting men (“the roughest of trade,” he calls them) to Mr. Nas’ apartment for what they assume is “some kind of sex thing.” Mr. Phibes gives a big speech about how kinks aren’t what they used to be before offering the men… cookies and milk? If this sounds too wholesome to be true, we should add that the cookies are secretly laced with “spoonfuls of crystal meth.”
Sure enough, all 13 guys begin dying to the tune of Troye Sivan’s “One of Your Girls,” and Mr. Phibes giggles with glee as his patient’s monitor rapidly approaches 100. That is, until his laughter is interrupted by Hot Satan, who reveals that he decided to save one of the guys, leaving that number at an infuriating 99.9. Even worse, the Devil flicks his wrist and blows up his physical shell, sending Mr. Phibes into a blind rage. “Hail Satan!” he yells, which turn out to be his last words before his head is knocked off and tossed into the fireplace.
Mr. Nas gives up his bet with God
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Does this mean the Devil is… not entirely evil? He’s certainly determined to make everyone think so. He even pays his granddaughter Cordelia a friendly visit in her personal hell, where she’s forced to euthanized puppies for all eternity, with Nan occasionally by her side. Even after Cordelia refuses to bow to him, he still frees her from her prison, transporting them both to a sunny day in Central Park.
Satan claims that he no longer has any interest in running a “s**t hole” like Earth, so he ended his game with God. All he asks is for Cordelia to admit that he won, but she refuses to give him the satisfaction, determined to find a way to kill him somehow. He says that killing him is like “killing a metaphor,” before saying that he might have some good in him after all. He even gifts Cordelia his apartment, telling her to consider it her inheritance. But he also warns her to “fortify herself,” because she never knows when they’ll see each other again.
As Satan exits stage left, Queenie surprises Cordelia, explaining that Ben pulled her from hell. She’s disappointed to learn that they didn’t win the fight, but Cordelia assures her that they haven’t lost yet. Mallory is also hopeful that victory remains possible, but she doesn’t believe that the solution lies in this time, so she hops in the bathtub for another journey through time and space.
Madison and Ben have a baby girl!
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And boy — or should we say girl — does Mallory miss a lot while she’s away! For starters, Madison and Ben’s contraception breaks one night, and they barely get a chance to acknowledge it before Madison swells up like a balloon. Boom, she gives birth to a baby girl right then and there. And what would a proper birthing be without a visit from a grandparent? Satan appears in the couple’s room to meet the newest branch on his twisted family tree, creepily noting, “This baby has star power.”
Fiona decides to remain in New Orleans with Constance, who seems to be coming along nicely in her craft. “All this time, I could have burst a manor or a haunted f***ing house into flames!” she declared after mastering her first fireball. Most of the coven, however, remains in New York City, opening themselves up to the greater world with Satan’s old apartment serving as their new home base.
Mallory eventually returns, dressed in “Salem chic” after visiting their ancestors. Not only did she apparently stop the witch trials altogether, but she also learned a new spell from Sarah Goode, the woman who inspired the spell that trapped Dorian Gray in his painting. The catch? They’ll need someone’s help… and it’ll require “the ultimate sacrifice.”
Mallory and Cordelia defeat Mr. Nas… for now?
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The “who” of that equation turns out to be Ben, and he isn’t exactly thrilled when Cordelia and Mallory summon him to the apartment. Ben is apparently the 13th Antichrist, which also makes him the most powerful, and because his powers are directly tied to his father’s, the Salem spell will only work if Ben kills himself. He gives the whole “I just got married and had a baby!” speech, but Cordelia assures him that Madison will understand.
Satan shows up right on cue, and a battle quickly ensues against the two Supremes. Cordelia explains that their mistake was letting him keep destroying the world, and accepting that good cannot exist without evil. Now, they want him gone forever, taking all of the “war, pain, and suffering” with him. To further quote Cordelia and Mallory: “Goodness reigns supreme. … You f***ed with the wrong coven!”
Ben does his part, sacrificing himself while declaring that he’s no longer afraid of the number 13. In fact, he now understands that “13” has always been his destiny. (Cool.) The Salem spell then takes effect, trapping Satan in his beloved painting of the Last Supper, cursing him to forever remain the 13th guest at the table.
But it’s not over yet! The camera pans over to the pile of Ben’s ashes, which appear to float into the fireplace (aka are delivered to hell). We’re then treated to a final scene of Mr. Phibes, cursed to direct a B movie called “Motor Psychos From Hell” for the rest of time. Well, “cursed” might be a stretch. The final shot of the season is of Mr. Phibes, smiling behind the camera and saying, “Oh, I could do his for eternity!”
And that’s… that’s it. That’s the end. Were you satisfied with how everything wrapped up in the finale? And what did you think of Season 13 overall? Grade both in our polls below, then drop a comment with your full review of “American Horror Story: 13.”