Anyone with an internet connection can go online to watch women have sex. Today, the sex industry rivals food, entertainment, and even healthcare in profit. The global sexual wellness market,from condoms to sex toys, was valued at over $25 billion in 2024, and in June 2024 alone, Nigerians visited porn websites more than 91 million times.
But the depiction of sex we see in mainstream media does not reflect what intimacy looks like for most women, especially those whose bodies don’t fit into the stereotype of the average female body.
In this article, three women with long-term health conditions talk about how the public perception of intimacy has affected their sex lives.
“Sex looks stressful, but I want it anyway” – Halimah* 23
I have heard a lot about how it is almost impossible for women with sickle cell to have any kind of sex life. When I meet men I could potentially date, I always tell them I have sickle cell, but they never take me seriously until they see the big box of drugs in the corner of my room.
Sickle cell painkillers are stronger than the average painkillers. They are so strong that they leave me feeling like I’ve smoked weed after I use them. My partners are always concerned that I’m dependent on drugs, and it scares them off.
When it comes to intimacy, I’ve tried kissing and cuddling, but no more than that. I have a very high libido. Sometimes, I even feel like I’m hornier than the average woman. I like the idea of sex, and I really want to try it, but I’m always tired and my body is always weak and bloated.
I feel like sex would be very painful for me, and my body would ache badly afterwards. I think about the logistics of sex a lot because my joints aren’t meant to be in certain positions for a long time. It could even trigger a crisis. My healthcare providers don’t discuss realistic expectations of what sex would look like for me, so I’ve been left to figure things out by myself.
From what I’ve seen, men these days like rough sex. Unfortunately, my partner will have to settle for very gentle sex. Sex will also be something that happens occasionally because, as much as I like the idea of it, the pain and weakness I battle with daily will make it difficult to do it often.
You might think I’m crazy for this, but I still want to try it. I’ll deal with the pain after.
“My libido disappeared with PCOS” — Josephine*22
The first two times I had sex, my partner didn’t use protection. I didn’t take the post-pill either, but I didn’t get pregnant. That’s when I knew something was off. I’ve also noticed that I have next to no sexual desire. For me, sex is very painful, and it feels like a chore. The first man I told I had PCOS thought I had a terminal illness, and he ghosted me. I was so embarrassed that I stopped talking to men for a long time after that.
I have a love-hate relationship with my body. I go to the gym four times a week, but I keep gaining weight. Coupled with facial hair, excess belly fat and intense mood swings, PCOS makes it hard for me to feel desirable.
When I was much younger, I used to feel pressured to be a ‘normal woman’, and I tried so hard. It took a lot of effort to be able to tolerate intimacy. I had medical consultations, changed my diet, drugs and even started exercising.
I still have sex with my partner because it makes me feel connected to him, but sometimes I don’t know why I put up with it. I don’t enjoy sex because of the pain, and I always feel horrible when things don’t go as planned.
“I tried cuddling and almost had a sickle cell crisis” — Ugochi* 25
I didn’t realise how much sickle cell would affect my dating and sex life until I entered my first relationship. I did not want to go out on dates, kiss or cuddle because I was scared I’d have a crisis if I tried them. He ended up cheating on me.
I decided to try intimacy with another guy because I wanted to do the normal things couples do. We decided to try cuddling, and it left me so exhausted that I felt like I was on the verge of a crisis right after. If cuddling with someone for less than an hour is that exhausting, just how bad will sex be?
Even though I have sickle cell, I still want the full experience; I want to date, get married, have sex and have a lot of children. When I eventually get to that bridge, my partner will have to be insanely gentle and attentive. My body cannot bend in the ways women do in porn videos.
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