Sutton is finally in a good place with the ladies, but she’s letting a rogue assistant ruin her zen.
Photo: Ash Ponders/Bravo

This week on our favorite television program, Rich Women Doing Things, the rich women did things in Sedona. They played bumper cars in the supermarket and, after nearly flattening an irate local, instead of stopping, they just kept playing. They went shopping for $500 globes, $1,400 blanket coats, and $2,300 sets of turquoise jewelry without even wondering whether any of it was cultural appropriation. They hiked up the side of the mountain, panting and heaving, to sit at the top and talk to their crystals, feeding them little sips of water as if they would sprout and flourish into a crystal tree that could save the universe from the vortex.

But mostly the rich women talked about Sutton. Before we can get to Ms. Brown, if you’re nasty, we need to talk about Rachel Zoe because her five-episode grace period is over. By the power vested in me by the Eileen Davidson Accords, I have judged Rachel an excellent addition to this here reality-television program. Rachel is showing her authentic self, and that authentic self is creepy and kooky, mysterious and spooky. I wouldn’t say she’s altogether ookie or part of the Addams Family, but with her long hair going right into flowing gowns, she does look a little bit like Cousin Itt wearing the largest sunglasses he/they could find.

Rachel is from an earlier era, when being a reality star wasn’t as defined a role and the Housewives were just getting started. I think that’s why she shows up as herself, because that’s what she learned how to do her first time on Bravo. She’s one of the few recruits in a long time without a preconceived notion of what the job is or how she should do it. Also, she’s part of these women’s worlds already; she fits right in, she knows what to say, she knows when to shut up and when to speak up. She’s fitting in perfectly. I’m not quite sure that she’s going to bring the conflict or the drama, but, at this point, I’ve given up hope that this show is going to have as much conflict or drama as it used to. It is, after all, Rich Women Doing Things, and so far Rachel has been great at being rich, being a woman, doing the doing, and thinging the things.

While we’re on the topic of rich women, I have to ask: Is Kathy Hilton okay? Like for real. She’s staying up until 4 a.m. creaking the floorboards of her desert cottage like a restless ghost, she’s spending the day in bed watching TikToks, she’s not engaging in any of the group activities, and she’s just wandering around with a cloth napkin stuck to the bottom of her espadrille wedge and not even noticing. How does Kathy function? How does she make it through life? She doesn’t even have her assistant on this trip to bring her donuts in bed while showing off his arms in a Las Culturistas T-shirt. (Speaking of which, I would like to marry this man, who showed up in Jen Tilly’s room. Pastries, muscles, and decent taste in podcasts? My panties have never dropped faster.)

Kyle doesn’t seem that concerned about her sister, Kathy, which reminds me that Kyle is mostly concerned about herself, but also that Kathy has probably always been like this, so it’s no cause for concern. Kyle is a bit concerned about her relationship with Dorit. After a long day of hiking, she and Erika sit on the top of a mountain, where the intersection of several ley lines is tickling their fannies, and they talk about Dorit. Kyle says Dorit is upset that she can’t be as supportive of her, but she’s hearing different things from Mo about Dorit, and she doesn’t know how to square them. Kyle always claims that she’s a girl’s girl, but I don’t see anything in the Pocket Girl Code, 13th edition, about it being acceptable to take the side of your never-to-be-ex-husband over your lady friend in that lady friend’s divorce. I agree with Erika, though, that Kyle needs to get herself out of the middle of this or it’s going to screw up both of these relationships.

Dorit is in town bitching to Boz, who is in a hormonal haze, and Rachel about the same thing. She says that Kyle is saying she’s supportive, more so than in the past, but she’s waiting for Kyle’s actions to match up with her words. She doesn’t have that much time to consider it because, after a long day of shopping and hiking, the women return home to cook their own dinner. What, exactly, is up with this? Why are they doing this? They all have three assistants, two makeup artists, a hair guy, their accountant, one webmaster whom they share, and 47 producers. Couldn’t they get one damn chef? Not one of those assistants, accountants, or hair people knows how to grill some chicken? Put those assistants to work.

I really don’t understand this decision at all, especially because the division of labor seems wildly lopsided and disorganized. Some of the women are totally incapable of cooking (like Jen Tilly), and others seem to prefer spending the better part of their evening in glam than in the kitchen. I think Amanda is right to be peeved about this whole situation. If Sutton is going to insist they all cook, give herself one of the biggest dishes, and then not show up to cook because she was “centering herself” in her room, that is fucked up. I would complain too. Sutton says it’s vacation and people should do what they want, but her skipping dinner prep is affecting the whole group and making them starve. When other people are relying on you, then you get down there, hammer that chicken, and get it on the grill in a reasonable time frame, or else I’m sending Uncle Fester after you with a chainsaw.

Before dinner, Amanda asked Kyle if she should tell Sutton something her friend reported back to her about Avi, Sutton’s old assistant. Kyle heard that question, looked at a producer, looked at the producer inside herself, looked at Andy Cohen through the telepathic link they share, and then told Amanda she should totally bring that up at dinner. Amanda dutifully tells Sutton that a friend of hers ran into Avi out on the town, and she said that Amanda knows Sutton. He told the friend that Amanda should call him, he would spill all of the tea on Sutton and that Amanda should hire him if she really wants to piss Sutton off.

Sutton’s reaction is strange. She is just kind of like “Aaahhhh, okay” and says that doesn’t have anything to do with her. Then she says that she didn’t believe Avi would say that. This is what I don’t get: Does she think Avi wouldn’t say that because she paid him $1 million to sign an NDA? Does she think Avi wouldn’t say that because they’re still friendly? Does she think Avi wouldn’t say that because that’s not in his character? Does she think Avi didn’t say that because she thinks Amanda is trying to use her for a story line and she knows that pushing the Avi thing will get her attention? I have a lot of questions about Sutton and Avi, but my biggest one is why she doesn’t think he would say that.

It comes up again the next night at dinner when Sutton takes them to what is either a restaurant next to the airport or an airport restaurant but either way is as unacceptable as making people cook their own dinner and then being tardy with their chicken. Amanda brings up how Sutton snapped on her in the kitchen, called her “missy,” and said Amanda shouldn’t complain about her being late. I’m with Sutton: When a Southerner calls you “missy,” it’s not that bad. It is a way to show your annoyance while taking it down a notch to illustrate that you’re serious but don’t harbor any ill will. Amanda seems to have crushed that good will when she asks if Sutton wasn’t just mad about her bringing up her assistant.

This gets Sutton very flustered, and she says that in the future, if the ladies want to talk about her and Avi, they should leave her out of it. “Am I clear?” she asks in a great A Few Good Men callback. (Rachel knows her job and answers, “Crystal,” and a Kung Minkoff waved at the ladies as her private plane took off at the airport next door.) Erika says just what I was thinking: By refusing to talk about it, Sutton is turning it into a big thing, making us all think it’s worse than it probably is. Erika is great in this scene, telling Sutton that she’s in a better place with everyone than she’s ever been and that she shouldn’t let this get her down. She also says that Amanda’s intentions weren’t bad; they just came across as gossipy.

Sutton, however, does think Amanda’s intentions are bad. She repeats that Avi wouldn’t say that and then says that Amanda is using her for attention. Sadly (or not? Find out next week, when we can judge Amanda!), we don’t know Amanda well enough to know if her intentions are bad or if she’s lying. What we do know is that Sutton is pissed. When Kyle asks if Sutton is okay and she says no, Jen tries to talk, but Sutton cuts her off. “Just stop,” she says, without knowing what Jen was going to say, whether or not it was supportive, and if it had anything to do with the amazing hat she is wearing.

Jen and Kyle get up to use the bathroom, and Jen says that she doesn’t like being snapped at. “All of her friends give her a big pass because everyone knows she’s fragile,” Jen says. “But I do believe that is one of the reasons why Garcelle left. It’s always all about Sutton. It’s never about anyone else. Uhhh. It’s just too much.” That’s quite an admission and pretty damning testimony. But Jen was feeling it, all the energy surrounding them, coursing through the ley lines like a million power strips connected to the same outlet. Maybe it’s the vortex that Jen’s feeling, all of these emotions — Sutton’s neediness, Rachel’s kookiness, Boz’s inertia, Dorit’s agitation, Kyle’s absorption, Erika’s space buns, Kathy’s unbrideled insanity, and Amanda’s, I don’t know, manifestation — whooshing in and whooshing out, blowing their hair back like whipping winds in the desert wasteland. That’s it. It’s the vortex. Sucking them in and spitting them out all at once, like shadows flickering on the wall of the cave. No, too Platonic. Like ingredients going into a cauldron, simmering over heat, each one’s magic rubbing up against the others’ until, eventually, it’s ready to explode.

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