Knife to the Heart
Season 50
Episode 4
Editor’s Rating
3 stars
***
Photo: Robert Voets/CBS
When Benjamin “Coach” Wade walks into the challenge he tells Jeff, “Like Phil Collins said, another day in paradise.” Jeff tells him that musical references on Survivor are always good. But are they? Are they really, Jeff? After this episode, I think the exact opposite. Let’s start with Coach’s reference. The song he’s talking about is about… homelessness. Phil is saying that there are people out there starving and living on the streets and for the rest of us, it’s paradise. It’s an ironic kind of paradise, where we can live blissfully unaware while other people suffer, whereas Coach’s seems to be literal, he’s saying that they’re actually in paradise. Either that or he is being ironic and saying that it’s hard out there when they are starving and living outside and then they have to do these challenges and vote people out and isn’t it hard? Yeah, know what’s harder? Homelessness!
Jeff then tells the assembled crew that the first two tribes who win the challenge — getting a boat out of the water, assembling some blocks in the boat and pushing it, making an arch-shaped puzzle — get immunity but only one tribe gets a once-in-a-lifetime reward experience. They get to hang out with… a man I have never heard of before in my life. Zack Black? Is that Jack Black’s jacked twin brother? Oooooh. No. Wait. His name is Zac Brown? Yup, still never heard of him. Yes, there are two Americas. Apparently, he’s a country singer with a beard, tattoos, and arms that look like 19 coconuts shoved in a 12 coconut bag (complimentary). He is exactly the kind of dude’s dude that Jeffrey Lee Probst loves.
Dee then talks about how much she loves Zac, how his music changed her life. Okay. Great. Still have not heard of the guy. Zac talks about how much he loves Survivor, how he’s seen every season, and how he wanted to impact the game. Okay. So is this guy going to have his own idol? Is there going to be a twist? Nope! He’s just going to impact the game with his hobby, spear fishing, and then feed everyone and play some songs for them. Let me get this straight: Zac Brown gets to go on his favorite show, do his favorite thing, and we’re supposed to be excited just to watch? Cue the NeNe Leakes “Uhhhh. Okay?” reaction video.
Cila ends up winning. That is not Dee’s tribe. We know this because there is a whole scene of Dee crying about missing it and then saying that she never wants to be second place. She says, “Getting second place isn’t a win. If I’m a winner, I want it all or I don’t want anything.” Looks like someone has never had her torch snuffed, it shows, and she is most likely (statistically speaking) up for a rude awakening.
After Cila’s victory we see them go to the Sanctuary, and Jeff didn’t make them say, “that’s where good things happen” because nothing good happens. While they’re hanging around having drinks (not a clue to an immunity idol, an advantage, or anything hidden there for crimeney’s sake), Zac Brown is out spear fishing. How do we know? We have to watch it! I’m sorry but I do not care about this man, why he likes being underwater, or just how enormous his enormous diving fins are. Zac is also talking about Survivor, what it means to him, and how great it is. We know it’s great! We’ve been watching it for 50 seasons! No offense to Zac, but this is not what I am here for. I didn’t even like it when Meghan Thee Stallion, one of my favorite artists, showed up on Love Island. There will be viewers of Survivor who never heard of her, either, but know who everyone who watches Survivor knows? Other Survivor players. Why not get Rupert, Tina Wesson, Parvati, Sandra, Boston Rob, and Richard Hatch on this beach, show us a bunch of old Survivor clips, and let all of us just wallow around with the people we love revisiting the game that we love? That’s worth a million Zac Browns.
What has been delightful about this season is that we’ve gotten glimpses of what Survivor used to be like: reading treemail, making fire with a pair of glasses, this episode we even got a silly talent show on one of the beaches. What I don’t miss about the old days is the focus on reward challenges, which used to feature every episode. One tribe would win and be flown off to some amazing swimming hole and they would bond and splash around and nothing would happen. Snooze. That is not why we tune in. We tune in to watch people, you know, play Survivor. Now we’re just watching someone else watch a concert. Then Zac says the words no one wants to hear at any concert, “This is a new song.” Booooooo. Tomato. Tomato. Tomato. Girl, if we have to watch you, at least give us the hits, whatever they are.
Between explaining the reward, watching Zac fish, listening to Zac sing, and seeing Dee cry about missing Zac fishing and singing, about a third of the episode was taken up with Zac Brown. It’s a shame because this was the most exciting vote, the best politicking, and the most surprising gameplay we’ve seen yet this season. Vatu once again loses. (Would someone run the stats on Stephanie and why she’s always on a losing team? Is the problem, IDK, her?) At the beginning of the episode, Emily promised Ozzy that the next vote would be Angelina because Ozzy wants to get close to Mike White for some reason and have him be the person he trusts most. Emily agrees to this plan and when they return from their loss, Ozzy tells Mike he wants Angelina out.
Mike wants no part of this and says his lot in Survivor is always to be running Operation Save Angelina. His plan is to get out Emily and he tells Christian, Angelina, and Stephanie that she’s too cunning and a threat. This is excellent game play and why my father (who is watching his first season of Survivor) called me up after last episode and said that Mike White’s nickname should be “The Razor” because he hides easily, will cut you before you realize it, and then will go right back into hiding. My dad is right! When Mike is convincing Christian that Emily needs to go, he tells him that he’s making the same mistake he made when they played David Vs. Goliath together and that he was letting a nerdy girl blind him. We get a flashback (thank you, Survivor editors, because I totally forgot about this storyline) where Gabby was Christian’s biggest ally, but then tried to vote him out to differentiate her game and he was only saved by having an immunity idol. Christian says Mike knows exactly where to strike to persuade him and, because of that, Mike is the most dangerous person on the beach. A razor, you might even say.
Christian then gets Stephanie and tells her he has a plan. He says Ozzy is voting for Angelina, Mike and Angelina are voting for Emily, if he, Stephanie, and Emily all vote for Mike then he goes home. This is a great plan, a cunning strategy, and just why we watch Survivor, no Zac Brown necessary. In fact, all the scenes at camp after the loss are great. We have Mike being his cunning self, Angelina being predictably annoying, Christian being a mastermind, Ozzy being the provider, and Stephanie playing a surprisingly good The Traitors-style game where she lies low and lets all the big talkers take each other out around her.
Finally, we have Emily trying to blow up her own game because she can’t keep a single piece of information to herself. As soon as Ozzy the provider returns from fishing, she tells him that Mike is after her. Christian is literally behind Ozzy making the “close your mouth and lock your lips” face, the universal code for, “Sister, I am trying to save your game right here, why are you screwing it all up?” Ozzy, who has been on this show more times than Donald Trump has given his daughter Tiffany a hug, still doesn’t know how to play the game and says to keep everything the same, to send Angelina home.
Christian is so pissed off he doesn’t know if he should even keep Emily. He’s been playing with her all game, but her loose lips are definitely sinking his ship. He could just vote her out. At tribal, Emily is talking about how she has a sinking feeling, how she might have just missed one conversation or one way of looking at things that might ruin her whole game. I thought, for a moment, we were going to have another one of those votes where it seemed like it was going to be exciting and surprising but they were all going to vote Emily. In the end, that didn’t happen. Christian’s plan worked and Mike “The Razor” White is sent home shockingly early considering he’s the most famous person there and a very skilled tactician and manipulator. The episode ends on some great, classic Survivor game play, and we could have used more of that instead of a completely gratuitous spear fishing expedition.
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