Longleat, Emma’s house in the country, which moonlights as a safari park, has absolutely everything. There’s a long gravel drive, topiary peacocks, a red panda named Lionel, a boat that goes on a tour of a lake that looks like it should be captained by The Rock, an Orangerie, several adorable cottages dotted around the grounds with shrubs fertilized by red panda poop, there are IVF projects to restore a lost species of rhino, and there is, to complete the Stefan sketch, a love maze. I’ve been to a love maze before. You know, where you wander around in the dark wearing just a towel, bumping into other gay dudes, and then kind of falling in love with each other for 13-20 minutes tops. No, wait. That’s a gay sauna. Never mind.
This episode centers on the trip to Longleat, and we hear all about the times that Mark and Kimi had hanging out there, whether it was at Emma’s gorgeous 400-person wedding or something that happened the weekend Mark stayed in the Prairie Cottage. What happened then, Mark? Hmmmm? Does it have something to do with the Love Maze? Everyone else just seems happy to be invited, to have a great time in the countryside, slurping up champagne and trying not to get kidnapped by a gorilla. (That’s what happened to Mark in Prairie Cottage!)
The one person who is not having fun at all is Margo. I really want to like my American sister. I do. She’s pretty, seems sweet, and is occasionally funny, but she is just taking every opportunity to be miserable and do it wrong. Her current fixation is Mark, and I think part of the problem is that everyone thinks that she’s just mad that Mark makes fun of her clothes, which, well, maybe they deserve a little ribbing. I don’t think it’s that. I think that Margo is upset, as she says repeatedly, that he says one thing to her face and another thing behind her back. He compliments her and then, while she’s still in earshot, shouts, “She’s so disgusting, and I would never wear that.” I see how that could be very annoying.
However, I also agree with absolutely everyone else that Mark is just trying to make jokes and be funny, and the harder that Margo battens down on her hurt feelings, the more that he’s going to come for her. Mark says it himself in the bus ride to Longleat, “If they insult you, then you come back with something sharper, smarter.” When they’re sitting in their cottage destroying a charcoochie board, Lottie tells Margo that if she just stood up to him, it would keep him from talking shit behind her back. Margo doesn’t believe it. She says you can’t change someone with a conversation, that they just turn around and do it some more behind her back. Martha tells her one of the truest things in life, that what people say about you behind your back is none of your business. But no matter who is giving her advice, who is trying to get her out of this great big hole of despair she’s dug for herself, she refuses to get out. She sees herself as bullied and alone, and it seems like she wants to just stew there.
I don’t know about the argument about this “English humor” that we’ve been hearing about since LVP commented on Erika Jayne that she didn’t like. After living here for more than a spell, I know that it is a thing. There’s a kind of ribbing that one has to take from the English that is a little mean and quite sarcastic, but usually, if they’re deploying it against you, that means they like you. As Mark says, you either have to serve it back to them harder and faster (just like the Love Maze) or you just need to laugh it off and keep going, knowing that it’s less of an insult. We see this on perfect display when they first pull up to Longleat. “What a dump!” Kimi says with a laugh. Of course, she doesn’t mean it, and everyone knows she doesn’t mean it. Emma retorts with, “So kind of you to come, Kimi,” and gives her a little courtesy. That’s it. That’s how English people show their love, by being bitch and then dismissing each other.
I don’t know if that is exactly what Mark is doing. He does love to tease, jaunt, and jest with those around him, but with Margo, there seems to be a little undercurrent of thinking she’s full of shit. He doesn’t want to be bothered with her, or he doesn’t want to be bothered with her sense of humor, or lack thereof. If Margo can’t play the game, then she’s too tedious to even be bothered with, so he’s just going to try to shoo her away with his jabs.
Margo makes some other missteps, the biggest one being when they’re all hanging around having drinks before tea. Myka mentions that she’s peckish, and Margo takes it upon herself to get one of the little tea stands packed with cakes, scones, and sandwiches. Coronation chicken. MMMmmmmmm. Miss Manners Myka tells her no, no, no, not to bother, she’ll be fine. And across the room, both Mark and Emma notice that she’s already helped herself to tea quite rudely. Now they all have to sit down following Margo’s lead. Luckily, there was about 15 minutes of tiara chat while inhaling scones to make the time pass more quickly.
As everyone settles near the Love Maze at various tables, Lottie tells Mark that she tried to talk to Margo and tell her that he didn’t mean anything nasty by making fun of her clothes, but that Margo wasn’t hearing it. Missé, who is with them, says that Margo feels like she’s being attacked. He says he’s sorry about that, but more sorry about her VPL. He says he can’t believe a woman would wear a sheer dress and a thong at Longleat. As Margo says in her confessional, Emma is wearing a tube top, and the body is more tea than anything served with scones, so it’s not really her clothes that Mark doesn’t like. Agree. I think it’s her humorlessness, and the clothes are just a red herring.
Missé does the good reality television thing and goes and tells Margo exactly what he said, and Margo replies, “It’s Alaia. He’s a very important designer, if you haven’t seen Clueless.” Okay, so Margo can be funny. She just mostly chooses not to be. Emma comes over to join the two of them, and Missé explains that she told Margo that she doesn’t like it when he says one thing to her face and another thing behind her back, and he’s going to stop. Emma, without even letting another bubble pop in her champagne, says, “He’s not going to stop.” This is from his best friend! She knows this is how he rolls. She says that he has a lovely, sincere, deep side, but he doesn’t often show it to people. She’s exasperated at this point, saying that she took so much care of these people and they’re not even having fun.
This is when Margo decides that she and Mark should talk about what is going on. She tells Martha to go get Mark and bring him over to her for a chat. Mark doesn’t even politely decline and just keeps picking on Margo’s clothes, which is getting a little old, but I appreciate his dedication to a bit. Margo says that she can hear him being mean and tells him to come chat. Martha is cajoling him, too. They’re all trying to get a chat to happen, and Mark, who hates to be told what to do, decides he’d rather go back to the bland pub where he’s staying than have to utter two syllables to Margo.
Now Kimi is as activated as the IVF rhino stud. “Margo, he did nothing wrong,” she shouts across the lawn. She wants to know why Margo didn’t come over there to talk. She says that Mark was sitting next to her and didn’t want to talk to her. Kimi shouts, “You’re being a bitch,” and skulks off across the yard, emptying her champagne glass on the way out. Kimi Murdoch? Wasting alcohol? Oh, this has to be serious. But the calls between the two continue, hoots high in the wind, like monkeys back and forth, trying to show their dominance, telling their enemies where they are and that they better behave. Longleat is basically the wilderness, but it’s never seen animals like these.
Sign up for the Housewives Institute Bulletin
Dame Brian Moylan breaks down all the gossip and drama, on- and off-screen, for dedicated students of the Reality Television Arts and Sciences.
Vox Media, LLC Terms and Privacy Notice