Hips Don’t Lie
Season 3
Episode 14
Editor’s Rating
2 stars
**
If Danny wants the group to stop complainin about his drinking and behavior, he should try not to overindulge and act like a petulant toddler.
Photo: Bravo
When Janet cries on the phone to Jason, “I can’t keep doing this,” it’s like she’s speaking for all of us. We have now been talking about Danny’s drinking for the better part of two seasons, and it somehow feels even longer than that. I actually can’t remember a time in my life when we weren’t talking about Danny’s drinking. (I’m grateful to Brian for handing off recapping duties to me this week, but I’m pretty sure he did it just to get a reprieve from this Sisyphean conversation.) And while Janet continues to bear the brunt of the blame, it’s not her persistence that’s keeping the storyline going — it’s Danny overindulging and then acting like a petulant toddler. He spends the entirety of Zack’s birthday slurring about how unfair it is that he makes people “uncomfortable,” repeating the term ad nauseam like a child who just learned a new word. If anyone’s beating a dead horse here, it’s Danny, and yelling at Janet is not going to make the problem go away.
In the meantime, though, Janet remains persona non grata with her travel group, which leads to the fight that ended last week’s episode and carries into this one. We’re very much at an impasse, in that Janet is willing to apologize for how she spoke about Danny but not for the substance of what she said, and Nia — well, she pretends to be upset about Janet’s insincerity, but is actually just offended that Danny’s behavior is still being called out. In a confessional, Nia admits she’s tired of people using the word “uncomfortable” when Danny stands up for himself, a deliberate misread of the offense. She brings up Jesse giving Jason a lap dance on a party bus a million years ago, and how that was also inappropriate, which feels like a rebuttal she and Danny workshopped.
Back at the table, Michelle reasonably points out that Janet feels like Nia wants her to apologize for Danny’s actions, and that everyone else has a problem with Danny, too. That may be a slight exaggeration when it comes to the cast, but on behalf of the viewers, I’m inclined to agree. Janet, meanwhile, is having the kind of emotional breakdown that necessitates producer intervention. While we don’t know exactly what it is about the situation that has triggered Janet, she acknowledges that she lashed out because of past trauma. I wish she could say this to the others directly, but it would only be used against her by Danny and Nia, like every other response to Danny’s bad behavior.
After that unfortunate meal, however, the group basically gets along for the rest of the day trip. Sure, Jesse bristles at Michelle asking him to stop PDA-ing Lacy in front of her, but it’s surprisingly calm overall. (Though I see where Michelle’s coming from in terms of Jesse never treating her that way, he did have to witness similar lovey-dovey behavior between Michelle and the Ramona Singer-eyed honey man.) On the beach, Nia gets coconuts for Janet and Michelle, which feels like a real peace offering. Kristen and Michelle go topless, Janet continues to lean into her bisexuality, Jesse stews — it’s nice! And it’s destined to be short-lived. You can feel the storm approaching when Nia tries to ask the fruit vendor in Spanish how much the coconuts cost and ends up saying “cuántos más dolores,” which translates to “How many more pains?” So many more, Nia. So many more.
Obviously, the post-outing debrief was never going to go well for Nia, who once again has to tell Danny, flashing his best Jack Nicholson in The Shining smile, that he remains a topic of conversation. In Danny’s defense — I promise this is the last time I will defend him in this recap, or elsewhere — it is a little confusing that people like Brittany say they don’t have a problem with his drinking to his face and then say the opposite behind his back. I think the unspoken issue here is that the drinking itself isn’t what anyone’s objecting to. It’s the way that drinking exacerbates Danny’s central condition, which is being a pissbaby who is nasty to his wife. Danny getting inappropriately handsy is obviously very bad, but it’s also just one piece of the repulsive fratty behavior puzzle, and perhaps that’s tougher for the group to articulate. The other unspoken subtext here is that the members of the cast talking about Danny quite simply do not fuck with the Bookos. When Janet and Michelle tattle about Kristen throwing her besties under the bus to defend Danny’s drinking, Brittany and Jasmine seem most offended that Kristen is doing this on behalf of people she’s not really friends with. Say what you will about Janet, but it does often feel like Danny and Nia have even fewer legitimate relationships with the rest of the “friend group.”
As we’ve seen throughout the season, there’s no real resolution to be found here, and any futile attempts will have to wait. It’s time to celebrate Zack’s birthday! In true Jenna Maroney fashion, he’s declared the theme to be sluts, which mostly has everyone dressing up like it’s Pride at SUR. (Nia’s cleavage prompts Danny to say, “The mommies are out,” a phrase that will haunt me to the end of my days.) Tom Schwartz inexplicably dons white face paint, which he pairs with a dog collar and a sheer top. Zack calls him a “slutty clown,” but to me, the look is more “Babadook but my friend’s house had more of a grown-ups drinking wine vibe.” Schwartz says he’s tapping into the “slutty little goth guy” he’s been repressing all these years, then flirts with Zack. If he were truly committed to making The Valley interesting again, he’d follow through. Meanwhile, Jasmine and Melissa are reminding us why the L comes first in LGBTQ, as they’ve taken it upon themselves to decorate the party bus with the most garish gay-guy paraphernalia. This is how we learn that you can show a realistic dildo stuck on a window, but not affixed to Schwartz’s forehead, where I guess it could be mistaken for an actual appendage.
On the bus, Brittany — who, it must be said, appears to have spent the entire day pregaming — confronts Jesse and demands an apology for his accusation that she and Jax conspired to bring the Bookos down. “I’m not that kind of person,” she says, and while I do think her barely concealed distaste for Danny and Nia means Jesse’s not entirely off-base, she’s also right that it’s ridiculous to take Jax’s word for anything. Jesse reveals that he’s actually still mad about the Yamashiro fight and the way Brittany spoke to Lacy. Does anyone on this show ever move on from anything? This situation has been addressed, and everyone involved has apologized. Lacy gets mad at Jesse for bringing it up, though in a confessional she admits that she agrees with him and is just bothered by his delivery. Regardless, there’s only so much time to relitigate this before disaster strikes. On the top level of the party bus, Jasmine is wiping bird shit off Zack’s arm when he hits his head on a street sign. R.I.P. Zack Wickham, reunited with that Monster Energy fridge in the sky. He died doing what he loved: being tall.
“I’m going into a club in Mexico to celebrate one friend I love who’s no longer with us,” Lacy says by way of a eulogy. “God rest his soul, but like, I love a gay bar.” In reality, Zack is fine. Production shuffles him off to a hospital with Benji so he can get stitches, while the others head to the gay bar. (Apologies to the producer for calling this out, because I’m sure the situation was really scary, but his panic at spotting the blood was maybe not helpful to maintaining calm!) Despite Zack urging them all to rally on his behalf, there’s instant unpleasantness. Brittany is weepy and fixated on her hurt feelings, but too drunk to confront Kristen about saying that she drinks too much. And Nia activates Dark Side Danny by forbidding him from hip movements when he dances. “People are uncomfortable,” she tells him. “You need to control yourself.” I am not at all blaming Nia for the way Danny treats her — nothing justifies the way he talks to his wife — but I do think she is intentionally setting him off against the others here. Outside of Danny grinding on women without their consent, does his dancing really merit a preemptive warning? Both of the Bookos have such disdain for the concept of anyone else’s discomfort that I can’t imagine her bringing this up for any reason other than to unleash the beast.
In a confessional, Nia explains that she used to love Danny’s Magic Mike dancing, but now she’s concerned about how everyone else might perceive his sensual moves. It is the pelvic thrust, after all, that really drives you insane. Thankfully, Danny is receptive to his wife’s guidance. Just kidding, he proceeds to make his rage a problem for anyone unlucky enough to get stuck in a conversation with him. When Jesse demonstrates a hip thrust, Danny sneers, “But if I do it, every woman in our group is triggered.” Take a shot every time he says “uncomfortable” during his subsequent meltdown, and you’ll fast approach a Brittany level of inebriation. Michelle, who is smarting from Jesse and Lacy’s visible affection, decides to go full Coyote Ugly on the bar. “I feel uncomfortable!” Danny loudly protests. “She’s making me feel uncomfortable right now!” He wants to confront her, but Nia begs him to hold off, and he hits her with an ice-cold “I love you” that sent an actual chill down my spine. I realize that Danny is currently too drunk and innately unpleasant to think things through, but I’m not sure what he’s trying to prove when he yells, “I’m gonna have a great time tonight, get uncomfortable!” That’s not the kind of thing you want to say when you’re trying to assert yourself as a safe person to be around.
Sorry, haters, but Janet says it best: “Drink all you want, just don’t be weird.” Alas, the weirdness continues after Zack returns (he is risen!) with a giant bandage wrapped around his head. Jasmine is ready for him with a Diet Coke, and I felt such relief to see that he wasn’t going to keep drinking. Danny, Luke, and Jesse do a bit of a Magic Mike show from the upper level, and no one actually seems uncomfortable, but when Nia later says she wants to dance, Danny snaps at her, “Is that all you care about?” His rancid mood continues on the party bus back, where we learn that it’s after midnight and now officially his birthday. “Just lay down and please ignore everybody, please,” Nia begs, but her attempts to soft-parent him just make him angrier. Jasmine says what we’re all thinking in her confessional: Danny is the fifth child in the Booko family. No one is saying anything to or about him at this point — Janet is too busy peeing in a cup — but he’s lashing out like he’s under attack. And as much as his few allies would like to pretend he’s not the problem here, they can’t tune out his tantrum. Is it any wonder that when the birthday boy asks everyone to go around and say what they love about him, he’s met with stony silence?
Sign up for the Housewives Institute Bulletin
Dame Brian Moylan breaks down all the gossip and drama, on- and off-screen, for dedicated students of the Reality Television Arts and Sciences.
Vox Media, LLC Terms and Privacy Notice