Reward scheme of the week

That’d be the one announced by Borussia Dortmund, who are trying to encourage their supporters to watch their actual games rather than spend a chunk of the 90 minutes looking at their phones.

So, if the Dortmund faithful activate a thingumajig called Fan Mode in the club’s app, it will track how many times they unlock their phones during games. The fewer times they do it, the more points they will earn – and points can be exchanged for goodies in the club shop.

Oddly, perhaps, Vodafone have teamed up with Dortmund on the initiative, when you’d imagine they’d quite like people to be glued to their phones. But according to Reuters, the company carried out a survey that found 63 per cent of spectators frequently use their phones during games, a source of severe annoyance for the other 37 per cent. Among the most irritating habits was fans taking selfies.

Mercifully, selfie sticks appear to be less of a thing these days, but if Dortmund could create an app that gives an electric shock to anyone still using one, we’d all be grateful.

Punditry of the week

Undoubtedly, Paul Merson’s take on the first 35 minutes of the Champions League game between Bayern Munich and Arsenal. After Eberechi Eze gave Arsenal the lead, Merse, on Sky Sports News duty, held out little hope for the Germans’ chances of getting back in the game.

“So comfortable, Arsenal. So, so comfortable. Absolutely putting on a performance. Their movement, their passing, they have been by far the better team. At the moment, you can’t see any way back for Bayern Munich. But they do score goals, you’ve got to be careful, but at the moment . . . absolutely brilliant . . . it’s 1-1.”

Yes, Alphonso Davies equalised at that precise second. Merse? Legend.

Pitch inspection of the month

The one carried out by the referee ahead of a fourth-tier game in Spain. Yes, he tried bouncing the ball to test the, eh, surface. As the home club Pena Deportiva asked on X, “Referee, so are we playing or not?”

Quote of the Week

“I’ll hold that umbrella for me to get wet and for everyone else to stay dry.” – Michael Carrick risking a drenching. When it rains at Manchester United, after all, it buckets down.

Number: 255

That’s how many euros Cristiano Ronaldo was fined by the Portuguese Football Federation for walking out on the national team last month. The poor lad will need to set up a GoFundMe.

Word of Mouth

“At the beginning of the season he was shooting like he was playing rugby.” – Aston Villa gaffer Unai Emery on Nicolas Jackson finally converting his chances.

“It’s an absurd, ridiculous sending-off. I don’t know what he could have said to the referee, he barely speaks Spanish.” – Valencia manager Javier Aguirre after Harvey Elliott picked up a second yellow card for being rude to the ref, proving that football is a universal language.

“There was a misunderstanding. I spoke Italian, he spoke English, then I started speaking in English and he wanted to understand in Italian.” – Something, it seems, got lost in translation. Napoli coach Massimiliano Allegri on a rather heated (and confusing) touchline chat with Kevin De Bruyne.

“He’s got the best hesitation dribble . . . he’s like a rocking horse when he comes wide.” – Owen Hargreaves with a rather unique description of Jeremy Doku’s playing style.

“Frank would be a perfect candidate. One-hundred-odd caps for England. He knows what it’s like to play in World Cups, Euros. He’s been there and done it all.” – Harry Redknapp tipping Frank Lampard (his, eh, nephew) to succeed Thomas Tuchel. And presumably he’d like Jamie Redknapp to be his assistant?

“I regret the last 10 minutes because I was the one who told the team to slow down the tempo, to stop running and stay in the middle.” – Cesc Fabregas blaming himself for Como only beating Manchester United 4-1.