{"id":144053,"date":"2025-11-20T19:16:13","date_gmt":"2025-11-20T19:16:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/144053\/"},"modified":"2025-11-20T19:16:13","modified_gmt":"2025-11-20T19:16:13","slug":"sports-gamblers-are-dorks-defector","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/144053\/","title":{"rendered":"Sports Gamblers Are Dorks | Defector"},"content":{"rendered":"

Drew Magary\u2019s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday at Defector during the NFL season. Today we are turning the column over to esteemed guest and past Defector contributor Sarah York.<\/a><\/p>\n

They handed me the keys to Drew\u2019s Jamboroo, so I get to bitch and moan about something that\u2019s driving me insane about being a sports fan right now: I can\u2019t stand sports betting, and how quickly seemingly every man in mainstream sports media became such an insufferable loser about it, and how their incessant shilling for this shit has ushered in a crisis that I\u2019m afraid we have no way of mitigating.<\/p>\n

Legal, frictionless app-based gambling is the most dangerous consumer product rollout of my lifetime, and is causing a growing public health crisis that should be treated with the same urgency as though half of men aged 21\u201345 suddenly became addicted to heroin. At least the upside with heroin is that we\u2019d quickly run into a supply problem and these men would experience the added barrier of interacting with a human to get it.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Setting aside the ominous future ahead of all of us when an entire generation of men are entering their post-college lives with a hopeless addiction to the endorphin rush of losing all of their money, it\u2019s just so boring to hear about gambling on television and podcasts. There are precious few shows left on TV that don\u2019t have a gambling odds ticker scrolling across the screen while some sweaty millennial degenerate nerd yells about the spread. I find myself gravitating towards the grizzled boomers who still want to talk X\u2019s and O\u2019s. Give me Rex Ryan screaming about Dan Campbell\u2019s playcalling any day. I genuinely find that more entertaining than some podcast dweeb earnestly telling me what\u2019s on \u201chis card\u201d for the weekend\u2019s games, or some guy on Twitter freaking out about how the games are rigged because he lost the mortgage on a parlay. You\u2019re all such fucking dorks!<\/p>\n

The Games<\/p>\n

All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.<\/p>\n

\"Five<\/p>\n

Five Throwgasms<\/p>\n

Buccaneers at Rams: This is the NFC title matchup I wanted at the beginning of the season, and that feels up in smoke now. Regardless, this will be a rare Sunday night second half I actually make an effort to stay up and watch.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Eagles at Cowboys: My girlfriend barely cares about football, because she\u2019s a healthy person with enriching hobbies, but I\u2019m slowly teaching her about the nuances (or \u201clore\u201d) of the NFL and she\u2019s aware that divisional matchups are exciting and important. By this time next year, she\u2019ll be able to spot a divisional game on RedZone unprompted, and I will beam with pride.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Bills at Texans: The Bills were my preseason Super Bowl pick and they\u2019re still tracking for it. That said, this is one of those weird ones that they could absolutely lose. I\u2019m aware that Davis Mills is A) still in the league and B) starting at quarterback for the Texans in this game.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Four<\/p>\n

Four Throwgasms<\/p>\n

Colts at Chiefs: This is the part where I disclose that I\u2019m a lifelong dipshit Chiefs fan. My team has regressed to mediocrity, and that\u2019s good for the sport but bad for me personally. Analytics dorks can save their breath\u2014I\u2019m going by the eye test here, and this team is not making the playoffs. Chris Jones is sleepwalking through games, Dave Toub\u2019s special teams unit is suddenly a yakety-sax lowlight reel on every play, and our corners play like they have five pound weights strapped to their feet. Brett Veach has been locked in a sealed room breathing his own farts for the last five years, committed to giving Patrick Mahomes the bare minimum to work with. To his credit, it obviously worked, but that run of luck is over. They should move every Chiefs game to the 1:00 ET time slot for the rest of this season. Yes, I\u2019m writing this in a blind rage after the Broncos walked us off with a last second field goal.<\/p>\n

Steelers at Bears<\/p>\n

\"Three<\/p>\n

Three Throwgasms<\/p>\n

Patriots at Bengals: My future in-laws are a lovely family of diehard Bengals fans. Getting to know them over the last year and change has softened my heart for this franchise and I find myself emotionally invested in the idea of them winning a Super Bowl. This is an awful way to live and I do not recommend it. The Brown family should be hauled in front of Congress to answer for their numerous crimes. Pam Bondi has launched an investigation already.<\/p>\n

Jaguars at Cardinals: I was very mean to Arizonans in this blog<\/a>, despite never having been to the state. Well, I went there for a wedding a few weeks ago and someone keyed the words \u201cFUCK YOU\u201d on my rental car. They must read Defector.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Giants at Lions: The Lions are frauds and this has potential to be a Jameis Winston hero game. At some point the camera will pan to a suite where Cam Skattebo and Theo Vonn are blindfolded throwing knives at each other.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"Two<\/p>\n

Two Throwgasms<\/p>\n

Vikings at Packers: Nothing to say here about JJ McCarthy that Drew hasn\u2019t already thoroughly covered<\/a>. The kid is cheeks.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Jets at Ravens<\/p>\n

Panthers at 49ers: I will not be charmed by the plucky, undersized quarterback in the year two thousand twenty-five. Y\u2019all be safe out there.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Falcons at Saints: Marjorie Taylor Greene is on an image rehab press tour on all the talk shows, and I shouldn\u2019t be surprised by how eager centrist liberals are to roll out the red carpet to welcome her back to normal society. She is a dangerous person who should be voted out of her seat and never allowed a moment of attention in the media again. You do not, under any circumstances, have to hand it to her or any of the other rats walking back their noxious rhetoric now that they realize they\u2019re on a sinking ship. Let them drown.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"One<\/p>\n

One Throwgasm<\/p>\n

Browns at Raiders<\/p>\n

Seahawks at Titans: I support running up the score in professional football, but even I can\u2019t watch that happen to Cam Ward. I will not be watching.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Pregame Song That Makes Me Wanna Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall<\/p>\n

\u201cMisery Business\u201d by Paramore. I saw a clip of Steph Curry losing his shit at a Paramore show recently, and I felt an instant kinship with him. You simply had to be young, shitfaced, piled in a Chevy Cavalier with friends in 2007 when Hayley Williams was in her bag with this album, it fucking rocked.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Fire This Asshole!<\/p>\n

My list is shorter and more forgiving than Drew\u2019s, here we go:<\/p>\n

Brian Callahan – FIRED!<\/p>\n

Brian Daboll – FIRED!<\/p>\n

Mike McDaniel<\/p>\n

Jonathan Gannon*****<\/p>\n

Zac Taylor<\/p>\n

Kevin Stefanski<\/p>\n

(* – potential midseason firing)<\/p>\n

I left the midseason asterisks off Mike McDaniel and Zac Taylor, not because I don\u2019t believe they should be shitcanned immediately (I do!), but because their owners don\u2019t give enough of a shit about the fans to make any head coaching moves before the end of regular season.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Jalen Hurts’ Starbucks Drive-Thru Order Of The Week<\/p>\n

\"\"Taylor Hill\/FilmMagic<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen a champion is asked \u2018What can I get started for you today?\u2019, the champion must then ask himself, \u2018Why am I waiting for others to start what I was born to finish?\u2019 You ask me these questions as though there\u2019s an answer that hasn\u2019t already been written. I look upon this menu, reading words like Frappucino, Americano, Pup Cup. Many go through life with a menu of options, when I choose instead to pursue my one singular purpose. In pursuit of excellence, one must not concern himself with outside noise, in this case the cars honking their horns behind me. I need only to look inward, and harness the fire that lives inside me. Speaking of fire, can we get two hot mochas please?\u201d<\/p>\n

Gametime Snack Of The Week<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\u201cFlipz\u201d milk chocolate covered pretzels. I go for the dark chocolate ones if I\u2019m feeling especially fancy. These things last nanoseconds in my house.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Good Time Non-Alcoholic Pils<\/a>. If you hated my curmudgeonly take on sports betting, you\u2019ll be shocked to know I also abstain from alcohol. I swear I\u2019m fun!<\/p>\n

I quit drinking a little over four years ago, and (surprise!) every single aspect of my life has improved since then. If you\u2019re curious about quitting or just want to incorporate some booze-free drinks on a night out, we\u2019re in a bit of a golden age for non-alcoholic beverages. Good Time Non-Alc Pils is the best of the beers I\u2019ve tried so far. It\u2019s still nine bucks a pop on NYC restaurant menus, but a case at the store will run you about $15 or so. Plus the can looks cool.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Gametime Movie Of The Week For Titans Fans<\/p>\n

The Burbs, starring Tom Hanks and the late, great Carrie Fisher. This movie came out in 1989, back when Tom Hanks was paying the bills with comedies. It\u2019s about a detached, bored suburban dad who takes a week off work and intends to spend it alone while his wife (Fisher) and son are away at the lake house. A creepy family moves in next door, and his nosy neighbor Art recruits him to round up the other eccentrics in their cul-de-sac, including an aloof teenager (Corey Feldman!) and a grizzled Vietnam vet (Bruce Dern!!!). I still mutter the words \u201cit came with the frame\u201d every time I\u2019m in the picture frame aisle at Target. Please see this movie and do the same.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Gratuitous Veep Quote<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s like using a CROISSANT as a dildo. It doesn\u2019t do the job, and it makes a fucking MESS.\u201d<\/p>\n

Recommended<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Drew Magary\u2019s Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday at Defector during the NFL season. Today…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":144054,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[35],"tags":[163,85,46,522,523],"class_list":{"0":"post-144053","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-mental-health","8":"tag-health","9":"tag-il","10":"tag-israel","11":"tag-mental-health","12":"tag-mentalhealth"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/144053","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=144053"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/144053\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/144054"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=144053"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=144053"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=144053"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}