Thrilling news: it\u2019s time to decide what health-care plan you\u2019ll be opting in to for the coming year. Given the feedback we\u2019ve received about how limited and expensive health care has become in this country, we\u2019ve made some updates to our available offerings. Please choose from the following options.<\/p>\n
The Basic Plan<\/p>\n
This is our most popular plan. It covers things like breathing (allowed, no co-pay), sleeping (hint: you must pretend to sleep in order to fall asleep), and eating (you pay for your own food). No other coverage is provided. This is an ideal choice if you are immune to all diseases, and are also immortal.<\/p>\n
The Catastrophic Plan<\/p>\n
If the San Andreas Fault opens up, we\u2019ll send Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson to help. Not to help you, specifically\u2014he\u2019ll just generally lend a hand in California. Maybe he\u2019ll leap from one building onto another building. Very cool stuff.<\/p>\n
The Become-a-Doctor Plan<\/p>\n
This plan costs sixty grand a year and includes a residency at a local hospital, where you\u2019ll learn everything you need to know in order to eventually become the primary-care physician to yourself, and everyone you know.<\/p>\n
The ChatGPT Plan<\/p>\n
This one\u2019s pretty self-explanatory. In fact, if you want more information about this plan, you should ask ChatGPT. Pro tip: type \u201cplease\u201d before your prompts and the large language model turned doctor might give you a better diagnosis.<\/p>\n
The \u201cLooney Tunes\u201d Plan<\/p>\n
If a piano falls on your head, or you run off a cliff, because you thought that a painting was a road, you will be tended to by a cartoon rabbit in scrubs.<\/p>\n
The Plan Within a Plan<\/p>\n
You have to sign up for this plan to read what the actual plan is.<\/p>\n
The \u201cMaster and Commander\u201d Plan<\/p>\n
You begin your plan aboard a frigate. You have been wounded, but you are the only doctor on the ship. You need to perform surgery\u2014on yourself. \u201cI do this with my own hand,\u201d you say, holding a mirror up to yourself as you operate. You sew yourself up. You\u2019ll finally be allowed to explore the Gal\u00e1pagos Islands. It\u2019s what you\u2019ve always dreamed of. You\u2019re billed in full.<\/p>\n
The \u201cOcean\u2019s Eleven\u201d Plan<\/p>\n
A bit simpler than the previous film-based plan. If anything happens to you\u2014anything at all\u2014you\u2019ll have to pay for it by pulling off a heist with a ragtag group of thieves.<\/p>\n
The Lottery Plan<\/p>\n
This plan is just a state-lottery ticket. Good luck!<\/p>\n
The WebMD Plan<\/p>\n
This plan assumes the worst-case scenario. You\u2019ll be pre-pre-billed (something we just made up) for your entire out-of-pocket max.<\/p>\n
The Identity-Theft Plan<\/p>\n
Simply steal someone\u2019s identity and use their health insurance. Fingers crossed it\u2019s not the WebMD plan.<\/p>\n
The Really Good Health-Care Plan<\/p>\n
This one\u2019s only available to the people who write and pass laws about health care. It\u2019s really, really good. Bummer you can\u2019t have it.<\/p>\n
The Trolley-Problem Plan<\/p>\n
You can either get yourself health care while keeping five others from obtaining coverage, or give up your own coverage so that we won\u2019t run over those five people with a trolley. Does that make sense? You have ten seconds to decide.<\/p>\n
The Prayer Plan<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Thrilling news: it\u2019s time to decide what health-care plan you\u2019ll be opting in to for the coming year.…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":154098,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[34],"tags":[9155,163,521,6675,85,46,37893,18531,5101],"class_list":{"0":"post-154097","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-healthcare","8":"tag-_sensitivecontent","9":"tag-health","10":"tag-healthcare","11":"tag-humor","12":"tag-il","13":"tag-israel","14":"tag-shouts-murmurs","15":"tag-textaboveleftsmallwithrule","16":"tag-web"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/154097","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=154097"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/154097\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/154098"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=154097"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=154097"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=154097"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}