Common responses to her TikToks are comments of relief, acceptance and commiseration at seeing someone describe an experience that resembles how their own loved ones died.<\/p>\n
\u201cI, as a hospice nurse, have been with so many families where they were really disturbed by what they were seeing, or scared. And I would say: \u2018That\u2019s normal. We see that all the time.\u2019 The relief is palpable,\u2019\u201d Smith said.<\/p>\n
In one TikTok<\/a>, Smith explains that when a person\u2019s body is \u201cshutting down,\u201d it\u2019s normal if they do not want water. A top comment on the video reads: \u201cThank you for this. My mom stopped drinking when we knew she was going to pass and I still felt like I should have tried to have her drink water more.\u201d<\/p>\n Among all the physical processes of dying, Smith said the biggest misunderstanding she sees is when family members worry that their loved ones are dying of starvation because they\u2019ve stopped wanting to eat.<\/p>\n \u201cThese are people who are already dying. They don\u2019t need the food,\u201d Smith said. \u201cAnd when the family starts to try to force them or coerce them into eating just by, \u2018Come on, just have a bite just to eat something,\u2019 it just sets up so much stress between the family and the person.\u201d<\/p>\n Similarly, families often worry that the use of morphine and other opiates will hasten the death of loved ones, according to Frances Eichholz-Heller, a senior social worker for the palliative care consult service at NewYork-Presbyterian\/Columbia University Irving Medical Center.<\/p>\n \u201cSome people will say to me, \u2018Well, we had an uncle who was in the hospital dying, and then as soon as they put the morphine on, he died really quickly,\u2019\u201d Eichholz-Heller said. \u201cI have to explain to them: \u2018Well, he probably died really quickly because he was dying. He wasn\u2019t dying because of the morphine, but they put him on the morphine to help.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n Families can live with a lot of regret over what they should have done.<\/p>\n If you are seeking to support a loved one who is dying, be mindful of how your own fear and discomfort could impact what a dying person shares with you, said Dr. Aditi Sethi, a North Carolina-based hospice physician and end-of-life doula.<\/p>\n According to Sethi, some dying people try to talk about their experience with loved ones but the families dismiss it because of their own discomfort, using language like \u201cYou\u2019re not dying, don\u2019t worry about it.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo many times, loved ones have the most regret,\u201d Sethi said. \u201cThey\u2019re so terrified of losing their loved one that they can\u2019t be fully present to their loved one at the time when they need them the most, really \u2014 to hold their hand and to really honor what they\u2019re going through, and have a space to share what they\u2019re experiencing in this epic journey they\u2019re about to embark on.\u201d<\/p>\n But if you had a strained relationship with the person before they were dying, don\u2019t feel like you have to force a connection that is not authentic, either. \u201cYour relationship with the dying person is personal, and if you didn\u2019t have a good relationship, you are not obligated to go and be with that person,\u201d Smith said.<\/p>\n It\u2019s also important to provide space for people to be themselves when they are grieving, said Ladybird Morgan, a California-based registered nurse, palliative care consultant for the company Mettle Health, and co-founder of the Humane Prison Hospice Project nonprofit.<\/p>\n \u201cI really ultimately believe that what happens is what needs to happen. And I see a lot of suffering for families that get left behind when they feel like they should have done something different,\u201d Morgan said. \u201cYou grieve the way you\u2019re going to grieve. You let go the way you\u2019re going to let go. I tend to want to be careful about saying, \u2018You should do X, Y and Z.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n Not everyone wants silence or a somber mood when they are dying.<\/p>\n Health care providers and family members can make assumptions about what a dying person would find comfortable, without considering what that person truly enjoys. Some people may desire silence, but others may welcome raucous celebrations.<\/p>\n Smith recalled worrying about a football game party happening in the room of a dying woman until one of the patient\u2019s adult sons reassured Smith that this was her passion.<\/p>\n \u2033[The son] said: \u2018Oh, my gosh, she was the queen of football parties every Sunday [with] everybody in the neighborhood. Yes, she loves this,\u2019\u201d Smith said. \u201cI was new in my hospice career and making assumptions about what I thought a dying person would want. I thought they would want a quiet, dark room, and that\u2019s not necessarily the truth.\u201d<\/p>\n Not enough people plan or talk about how they want to die.<\/p>\n Most Americans say that given the choice, they would prefer to die at home<\/a>, but about 1 in 5<\/a> deaths in the U.S. occur after admission to an intensive care unit. In the book \u201cExtreme Measures: Finding a Better Path to the End of Life<\/a>,\u201d Dr. Jessica Zitter details what she calls the \u201cend-of-life conveyor belt\u201d \u2014 a type of care in which dying ICU patients receive painful treatments to be kept at alive at all costs.<\/p>\n \u201cUnfortunately, by the time someone is on the conveyor belt, it\u2019s often too late to talk to them about what they want. And then everybody is trying to play catch-up. And it\u2019s hard to get it right when the chips are down and there\u2019s so much emotion,\u201d said Zitter, who specializes in palliative medicine and critical care.<\/p>\n \u201cSo my recommendation is to talk about these issues early on in life, maybe starting when you become an adult. Start to think about your mortality, and visualize how you would want things to go for you when you get into that stage of life, the end stage. Communicate honestly.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe people that I notice that have the least amount of distress are the ones … [who] have lived really fully, and that they can say to themselves, ‘I was here.’\u201d<\/p>\n – Ladybird Morgan, a palliative care consultant at Mettle Health.<\/p>\n Filling out forms for so-called advance care planning goes a long way. But \u201cit\u2019s as important that you, number one, identify a person you trust \u2014 or two or three [people] \u2014 that can honor your wishes,\u201d Sethi said, \u201cand have the conversations ahead of time, before you\u2019re in the state where you can\u2019t communicate your needs and wishes.\u201d<\/p>\n Some hospice workers recommended Five Wishes<\/a>, an advance care planning program, as one way to get clarity on how you want things to go.<\/p>\n Morgan recommended playing a card game called GoWish<\/a> with a friend, a partner or someone else you hope will follow your end-of-life wishes. \u201c[The cards] have different statements on them about possibilities of what you might want or not want,\u201d she said. \u201cAnd you make stacks of the ones that you like, the ones that you know you don\u2019t care about, and the ones that you\u2019re not sure about.\u201d<\/p>\n Someone playing the game may find it difficult to choose which cards represent their values, which is why Morgan suggests having two people play together, so that it can be a conversation starter.<\/p>\n Keep in mind that there is no one right way to die, and preferences may differ.<\/p>\n \u201cThere are people who feel that every moment of life is precious and that they value the length of life over the quality of life,\u201d Eichholz-Heller said. \u201cSo they are willing to endure a certain amount of suffering to be able to be kept alive. Then there are other people who value quality of life over length of life. And they would rather focus on comfort, even if it means that they won\u2019t live as long.\u201d<\/p>\n There are still a lot of negative associations with hospice care, even though it can be helpful. <\/p>\n There\u2019s a difference between palliative care and hospice. Palliative care workers help to make patients comfortable at any stage of their life if they\u2019re suffering; hospice is a medical service specifically for people with a short-term life expectancy. While anyone living with a serious illness can seek palliative care, Medicare will help cover hospice care costs for people in the U.S. if their health care provider certifies that they are terminally ill and have six months or less<\/a> to live.<\/p>\n Some people wrongfully assume that going into hospice automatically shortens the life of a patient. Smith said she has been called a murderer for working in hospice care, adding that the worst myth about hospice workers is that they kill their patients.<\/p>\n \u201cPeople think that when you go on hospice, it\u2019s a death sentence and that death is imminent,\u201d Smith said. She cited former President Jimmy Carter, who entered<\/a> hospice care in February and is still alive today, as one prominent example of how that is not always the case. <\/p>\n In fact, research shows that seeking palliative care at an early point can improve quality of life. Published<\/a> in 2010, one study on advanced lung cancer patients found that offering early palliative care on an outpatient or ambulatory basis led to fewer clinically significant depressive symptoms and a longer median survival.<\/p>\n \u201cWhen patients are suffering, they use so much of their energy just to fight the suffering that if we can make them comfortable, they sort of stabilize,\u201d Eichholz-Heller said. \u201cAnd a lot of times, it really helps them to live longer.\u201d<\/p>\n![\"There](\"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/12\/693b04d119000009607f3e17.jpg\")
There are a lot of misconceptions about death and dying.<\/p>\n