the FAQ<\/a>.<\/p>\nLast month, I sent one of the hardest emails I\u2019ve written all year.<\/p>\n
It was a request asking my gym to pause my membership. I stared at the screen longer than I wanted to admit before hitting send. For nearly 15 years, working out has been a constant in my life. Cancelling felt like breaking up with a part of myself.<\/p>\n
I had avoided sending that email for five months. Every month, I told myself I\u2019d get back on track and every month, another payment went through. When my partner finally stepped in, I didn\u2019t cancel \u2014 I put the membership on hold instead. It was my compromise, a small concession to the part of me that still believes I\u2019ll return.<\/p>\n
For as long as I can remember, my body was something other people noticed before I did.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m one of three sisters, all close in age. Growing up, the easiest way for extended family to identify me was by pointing out my chubbiness. Some family members called me \u201cbulldozer\u201d or \u201cfluffy,\u201d and I convinced myself it was affectionate.\u00a0<\/p>\n
But as I got older, the comments stopped feeling cute.<\/p>\n
![\"A](\"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/1767352927_352_default.jpg\")
Khozema as a six-year-old in Karachi, Pakistan. Her family often commented on her body shape. (Submitted by Zahra Khozema)<\/p>\n
By 12, I was wearing my mother\u2019s tops while my sisters shopped in the teen aisle. I learned early that taking up space, physically or otherwise, came with commentary.<\/p>\n
As a child, movement was joyful. I loved skipping rope, biking and climbing jungle gyms at recess. I was always moving. Even in high school, I tried hard in gym class and happily participated in competitions, even if I never came first.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I assume the weight would \u201ceven out\u201d as I grew taller. It didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
Then I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome at 17 and the stakes changed. Doctors warned me to be careful with my weight, that fluctuations could increase my risk of heart disease or cancer, both of which run in my family. That was when working out became a responsibility.<\/p>\n
Not working out was not an option<\/p>\n
By the time I reached university, the gym was a non-negotiable. I\u2019d go during its women-only hours to run 5K on the track, then lift weights for a half-hour. I went three or four times a week, even during exams and holidays. I always had my gym bag with me.<\/p>\n
I ran races, training for 10Ks and 15Ks in the city. I climbed the CN Tower\u2019s 144 floors. I loved the quiet focus of having headphones in, entire Spotify albums or news podcasts playing, and ideas arriving somewhere between breaths. I learned my body, every muscle, every shape, every small improvement. I felt beautiful, but more importantly, powerful.<\/p>\n
![\"The](\"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/1767352928_13_default.jpg\")
In 2016, Khozema participated in the CN Tower Climb, a fundraising event for the World Wildlife Fund. (Submitted by Zahra Khozema)<\/p>\n
At its best, the gym gave me structure. It was the place I\u2019d go after work; in the winter, it was sometimes the only reason I left the house.\u00a0<\/p>\n
But at its worst, it was a system of self-surveillance.<\/p>\n
It started during the pandemic when I got a fitness tracking watch. At first, the data it provided felt motivating. I started sharing it with friends and competing to see who worked out more.\u00a0<\/p>\n
But the tracking features troubled me on rest days. I\u2019d see someone else log a 10K run or burn 900 calories and I\u2019d feel guilty for doing nothing. So I slept with my watch on. I wore it to weddings. I even turned on \u201cdance workouts\u201d while out with friends.<\/p>\n
Soon, those feelings of guilt or shame were being triggered more often \u2014 like when influencers would film their workouts next to me or I\u2019d see groups running along the lakeshore in the winter at the crack of dawn. I started co-ordinating my tops and leggings, hoping they\u2019d motivate me. On days I felt bloated, I\u2019d choose to skip entirely than risk looking at my stomach in a crop top.<\/p>\n
A \u201cgood\u201d week meant four gym visits. Anything less made me feel like I\u2019d failed.<\/p>\n
And I paid for it, financially and emotionally. Over the years, I\u2019ve spent over $8,000 on memberships, sign-up fees, commutes and race entries. More than that, I paid in guilt.\u00a0<\/p>\n
The day my tracker died<\/p>\n
For several years, I always worked out before I permitted myself to go out with friends. It made getting dressed easier and eating feel allowed. Then I began checking my stomach in the mirror after meals, bringing me back to being a little girl, questioning her relationship with food.\u00a0<\/p>\n
When I lost my full-time job last fall and moved into freelance life, everything unravelled. Without a predictable schedule, the gym stopped fitting neatly into my day. I worked longer hours, with no clear start or end. But I kept paying for the membership, telling myself I\u2019d get back on track.<\/p>\n
It all clicked one afternoon when my Apple Watch died \u2014 and for the first time in years, I let it stay dead.<\/p>\n
What surprised me most was how little life changed. No one cared that I\u2019d taken off my watch. My rings disappeared from my friends\u2019 feeds, and the world kept spinning.\u00a0<\/p>\n
So much of it, I realized, had been happening in my head.<\/p>\n
Putting my membership on pause brought relief \u2014 mostly at no longer typing \u201cgym\u201d into my calendar app and deleting it when I didn\u2019t go. But it also forced me to find new forms of physical activity.\u00a0<\/p>\n
WATCH | Technology could be the next big thing in personal training:![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/1767352928_10_default.jpg\")
<\/p>\n
AI workouts are coming for your gym membership<\/p>\n
American exercise equipment company Peloton has launched new AI software that offers real-time feedback like a personal trainer, which has some questioning whether the technology might replace in-person training with human coaches.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m getting a small, at-home treadmill for walking, because being sedentary isn\u2019t healthy either. I\u2019m aiming for 5,000 steps a few times a week to start with.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Since my last gym workout back in July\u00a0 \u2014 July 26 to be exact, according to my Apple Watch \u2014 my body hasn\u2019t changed much, but I\u2019ve welcomed my belly pouch back, my butt is flatter and the groceries feel heavier. I know it will change more as more time passes, but I\u2019m trying to be OK with that.\u00a0<\/p>\n
When the pause ends in April, I\u2019ll likely try going back. It will be closer to the summer and the pressure to look a certain way will creep in again. What I\u2019m trying to hold onto now is the idea that returning doesn\u2019t have to mean returning to guilt.<\/p>\n
Health, for me, now looks like self-kindness. Like focusing on my career, my skin, my hair and accepting that I can\u2019t optimize everything at once. Pausing my gym membership was a small act of saying I don\u2019t need to earn my worth through workouts or guilt. Discipline can be gentle, too.<\/p>\n
Do you have a compelling personal story that can bring understanding or help others? We want to hear from you. Here’s more info on how to pitch to us<\/a>. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Zahra Khozema taking a gym selfie in Cancun, Mexico, in April 2024. Khozema says her workout regime made…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":216469,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[37],"tags":[589,163,85,46],"class_list":{"0":"post-216468","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-fitness","8":"tag-fitness","9":"tag-health","10":"tag-il","11":"tag-israel"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/216468","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=216468"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/216468\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/216469"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=216468"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=216468"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=216468"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
![\"A](\"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/01\/1767352927_593_default.jpg\")
Zahra Khozema taking a gym selfie in Cancun, Mexico, in April 2024. Khozema says her workout regime made her physically powerful but eventually caused some mental health issues. (Zahra Khozema)<\/p>\n