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Vanderpump Rules<\/a><\/p>\n Pride and Joy<\/p>\n \n Season 12<\/p>\n Episode 12\n <\/p>\n \n Editor\u2019s Rating<\/p>\n 2 stars<\/p>\n **\n <\/p>\n \n Chris wants an open relationship, but Audrey is experience enough to know when to close the door. Lisa Vanderpump knows exactly what she\u2019s doing. She talks about how she had a nephew who she knew was gay when he was three or four, and she bought him a My Little Pony. That\u2019s all any little gay boy wants. When I was four years old, my lesbian cousin and I came up with a Christmas plan: she would ask for My Little Pony, and I would ask for Transformers, and we would swap. (It totally worked.) Lisa says, since she can\u2019t give every gay boy a plastic indicator of their future sexuality, she can at least throw a major Pride party. SUR is perfectly situated for it, sitting just off the strip of Santa Monica Boulevard that gets turned into a giant gay festival every June, and, while it\u2019s the finale of this season, it was traditionally the big event at the start of the season of Pump Rules 1.0.<\/p>\n But there is one problem: too many straights. Venus is in charge of hosting Pride, and Natalie is coming up with the drinks menu. She mixes up a cocktail that is Barbiside blue<\/a> and wants to call it \u201cAquamarine\u201d which is exactly what a straight girl with more crystals than sense would want to call it. This isn\u2019t Coachella; it\u2019s Pride. Marcus says he\u2019s 10 percent gay, which I don\u2019t get. Does that mean you only suck a tenth of the D? If so, is it the bottom tenth, so you have to put the whole thing in your mouth? He says that should make him better at naming the drink so he calls it \u201cBlue Balls.\u201d That name is 10 percent better than Natalie\u2019s but also terrible because who wants blue balls at Pride? Not me! If I wanted blue balls, I would put on one of the identical cousins\u2019 OnlyFans videos where you don\u2019t even see boners. Venus comes in and says the drink should be called the \u201cButt Slut.\u201d Exactly. That is a winner. That is what Pride is all about:\u00a0stupid drinks, hyper sexualization, getting laid, and finding glitter in your thong all the way until August.<\/p>\n The Pride party itself also has one problem: too many straights. Chris shows up and puts on a tiny pink Speedo that can barely fit his mic pack in the back. But he is also wearing a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and a freshly shorn handlebar mustache. The theme is a pool party. Why is he dressed as the ghost of Hulk Hogan auditioning for City Slickers: The Musical? Why can\u2019t straight people stick to a theme? Sunglasses, a whistle, some sunblock on his face, and he\u2019s in full life guard drag. You\u2019re welcome. Do I need to do everything around here? Venus gets up on the bar and talks about his whole life story and coming out, which is sweet and all, but, girl, this is taking away from our drinking and hooking up time. Natalie performs her song, \u201cPure as Platinum,\u201d and no one cares. Maybe that\u2019s because the crowd looked sparse, but also the only gay attendees seemed like the staff\/cast and their close friends. Otherwise, it was just girls from the Midwest trying to get some free cocktails and a selfie with LVP.<\/p>\n Since this is the finale party, we had to clear up three major storylines, two of which featured my girl Audrey, far and away the breakout star of the series. (Which apparently has been renewed<\/a>, so get ready for more next season, if you want it or not.) The only non-Audrey story is what is going on with Angelica and Shayne. When Shayne goes shopping for DJ gear with Marcus, he says, \u201cI genuinely care about \u2026 whatshername \u2026 Angelica!\u201d Yeah, that kinda says it all. He tells Marcus he\u2019d be open to dating her more if she would take it slow. He says he\u2019s not worried that she was seeing another dude because he says that was a sign that she was telling him to act fast. Exactly! She doesn\u2019t want to take it slow. That is not Angelica at all. You two do not want the same things. Get out of there, Shayne. Runnnnnn!!!!!<\/p>\n At the Pride party, he takes her into the SUR alley, a future UNESCO World Heritage Site, and tells her that he would like to go out on some dates with her. She responds by crawling into his lap and then kissing him right on the mouth. She goes back in to do her job, and he says he can\u2019t get up right then. Why? Does he have a boner? We know he can\u2019t get those. Did he take a Viagra? Then, the rest of the party, he and Angelica are making out on the dance floor in front of everyone. Boy-on-girl? At Pride? In this economy? Couldn\u2019t be me. Protect the dolls.<\/p>\n Audrey has a very different conversation with Chris at the party. A day prior he made her lunch at his strangely unfurnished apartment and says he likes where things were going with her, but when he\u2019s traveling that he wants things to remain open. \u201cWhat if I meet a random girl I end up liking?\u201d he asks. \u201cI don\u2019t want there to be any animosity if something happens.\u201d The point is for you to like this girl enough that you don\u2019t let it happen. Does this man not know how relationships work? At the end of their date, Chris proposes a toast about how great they are together and how much he enjoys the path they\u2019re on, and Audrey, comedic genius, says, \u201cUnless we meet other people.\u201d I laughed out loud.<\/p>\n At the party, she tells him that it\u2019s finally over, that she wants someone who can commit. Chris says that he just can\u2019t commit \u201c100 percent\u201d and that he\u2019s just being honest with her. Exactly dude! That\u2019s the problem. You don\u2019t get points for being honest if it\u2019s not something she wants. She\u2019s not upset that you deceived her; she\u2019s upset that you\u2019re offering her a deal that she doesn\u2019t want to take. He says he\u2019s not ready for a commitment, and she says, \u201cFine, then I\u2019m moving on to someone who is.\u201d Exactly! Bye, Chris! She says she doesn\u2019t want to waste their time, but I feel like Chris is wasting ours. I feel like he saw this as another one of his dating shows, and Audrey saw this as real life, and that\u2019s why I think she has a much longer career in the reality television arts and sciences ahead of her than Chris does.<\/p>\n After she cries in the SUR alley for a bit, Angelica pulls her outside and needs to clear up our third and final storyline of the night, which is how Audrey was mean to Angelica in her stand-up comedy show. Ugh, this whole conversation was so frustrating. Why? Because Angelica sucks. She suuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkssssssss. She starts off their talk by saying, \u201cCongrats on your performance.\u201d Girl, you don\u2019t mean that. Why are you starting fake? Why can\u2019t you just be for real and tell her that she hurt you. Audrey, however, is not responding at all; she says that she has used her entire store of emotions for the day. Angelica keeps trying to have a problem with Audrey and Audrey is just not having it. She says it was comedy. She says that she shouldn\u2019t have warned Angelica because she didn\u2019t warn anyone. She says she didn\u2019t reach out to Angelica because she didn\u2019t reach out to anyone else. She is firm in her rightness, won\u2019t engage with Angelica, and it is driving Angelica to spit rhinestones.<\/p>\n Angelica was the only one who had a problem being roasted. Why? Because Angelica has no sense of humor whatsoever. I know she has feelings, but it seems less like she was actually hurt and more like she wants something to be mad about. She\u2019s looking for ammunition, just like she did with her fight with Jason earlier this season. Eventually, Angelica says that Audrey wasn\u2019t funny, which Audrey counters by saying that people were laughing, which is pretty good evidence that Angelica is wrong. Then Angelica says that Audrey was telling lies. \u201cI have a great credit score. I don\u2019t live with my ex anymore,\u201d she says. Then why are you mad? Why do you care? Do you know how jokes work? No, she does not, because she hasn\u2019t laughed since Kim smiled, and that hasn\u2019t happened since she ran over her neighbor\u2019s cat in the aughts.<\/p>\n Angelica says Audrey is a pick me who seeks male validation. I believe a great philosopher once said, \u201cI\u2019m rubber and you\u2019re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you,\u201d because that is what is happening here. Literally, no one else thinks that. Just because Angelica says it doesn\u2019t make it true. Then she says, \u201cYou\u2019re ugly. That\u2019s comedy. You look like Sid the Sloth.\u201d The problem is, while Audrey\u2019s jokes weren\u2019t that funny, at least they were jokes. Just calling her ugly is an insult with no humor around it. If she looked like Sid the Sloth<\/a>, it has the potential to be funny, but she doesn\u2019t, so it\u2019s not. Audrey never attacked Angelica\u2019s looks either; she only attacked how she acted, which is potentially more harmful, but a bit more above board than whatever Angelica is trying to do here.<\/p>\n Finally, the producers send out the rest of the gang to get into this fight. Then Angelica says, \u201cI can\u2019t believe you traded a friendship for a boy.\u201d About three of the assembled cast members, and all of the audience at home, ask simultaneously, \u201cWhich boy?\u201d And were they even friends? This is the problem with Angelica. She says these things that she thinks will hurt Audrey, but have no basis in reality. Angelica says the boy is Chris, and that they won\u2019t even be together by the end of the summer. Yeah, that\u2019s not the insult she thinks it is because Audrey literally just dumped him and you don\u2019t even know. Even if she did pick Chris over her Angelica, how is this an instance of that? It doesn\u2019t make sense. Angelica is just looking to be aggrieved; she\u2019s looking to cry her weepy little tears on the chests of men so that they\u2019ll comfort her and tell her that she\u2019s pretty and make out with her on the dance floor while she plans their wedding in her pretty little head.<\/p>\n Lisa Vanderpump then comes out and tells everyone it\u2019s time to get back to work, which is literally Lisa\u2019s only job on this show. Everyone in their little shorts and their glittered faces goes inside to do shots of Butt Sluts and dance the night away. Lisa hovers in the back, holding the door open for her staff. She\u2019s about to head in, and she sees a familiar figure walking by with a huge jar of mayonnaise in her arms. It\u2019s Katie Maloney Schwartz Maloney. She feels that she\u2019s watched and looks over to see her old boss. She stops in her tracks, and the two stare at each other, the past and the future, going back and forth in a loop, completing a circuit, bringing the whole thing to life with an electricity that can\u2019t be named. And, like a circuit, it doesn\u2019t flow in one direction; it\u2019s from one and to the other, in equal measure, each powering and draining their counterpart in a way that can\u2019t be matched. Finally, the spell is broken, and Lisa turns to go inside and Katie keeps walking toward Something About Her. And as they each turn, they have the same thought, the same words, the same half-utterance under her breath that they release simultaneously: \u201cBitch.\u201d<\/p>\n Sign up for the Housewives Institute Bulletin<\/p>\n Dame Brian Moylan breaks down all the gossip and drama, on- and off-screen, for dedicated students of the Reality Television Arts and Sciences.<\/p>\n Vox Media, LLC Terms and Privacy Notice<\/p>\n
\n Photo: Bravo\n <\/p>\n