You know that moment.<\/p>\n
You tell your child it\u2019s time for bed or they can\u2019t have that candy, and they suddenly start crying, maybe even throwing themselves on the floor.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s called dysregulation, which parents may know all too well as tantrums and meltdowns, such as crying, kicking, screaming or shutting down. But it can also show up in other ways.<\/p>\n
Sometimes it looks like avoiding eye contact or interaction, high energy and trouble focusing.<\/p>\n
“Dysregulation can be thought of as a mismatch between the child’s energy level and the energy level that is required to participate in the activity that they need to do, or to exist in the environment that they need to exist in that moment,\u201d said Kira Bender, a pediatric occupational therapist at the Center for Connection<\/a> and founder of Here We Grow,<\/a> an occupational therapy and disability consultative service.<\/p>\n It\u2019s hard \u2014 and often ineffective \u2014 to reason with young children when they\u2019re like this. They’re not in a state to learn new skills because they can\u2019t access the logical part of their brain, which helps them think.<\/p>\n When LAist asked readers of our early childhood newsletter<\/a> and HeyBB<\/a> text group what resources they wished they had more of, many parents said they wanted to know how to help their children (and themselves) get through these big feelings. We talked to child development experts to get their tips.<\/p>\n How to support your child during dysregulation<\/p>\n Regulate yourself first<\/p>\n It\u2019s OK to take a deep breath and pause if needed to regulate your own feelings.<\/p>\n Make sure your heart rate and breathing are steady, and that you’re able to calmly speak to your child.<\/p>\n These moments matter because children\u2019s mirror neurons \u2014 brain cells that activate when we observe others\u2019 actions and perform them ourselves<\/a> \u2014 are engaged, helping explain why children may mimic their parents’ behaviors, according to Meryl Opsal, founder of Romp and Rollick<\/a>, which offers process art and sensory classes along with consulting services for families, schools, and businesses.<\/p>\n Being calm yourself will help them to do the same.<\/p>\n Bender said reframing the situation is a powerful tool when you need to keep your cool: \u201cMy child is not giving me a hard time. My child is having a hard time.\u201d<\/p>\n Connection\u00a0during dysregulation<\/p>\n Once you\u2019re in a steady state, meet your child where they are, especially by using your body, breath, and energy to stay connected with your child and help them calm down.<\/p>\n You might go down to their level, speak in a calm voice or acknowledge what they\u2019re feeling \u2014 \u201cI see you\u2019re really upset.\u201d<\/p>\n This is known as co-regulation \u2014 one of the most important ways to help your young child learn to self-regulate, which is when one is able to appropriately manage one’s emotions and behaviors.<\/p>\n There\u2019s a misconception that this approach is coddling or preventing a child from self-soothing on their own. However, research suggests that co-regulation is actually a crucial part of regulation, said occupational therapist Kira Bender, referencing Mona Delahooke’s book, Brain-Body Parenting.<\/p>\n Bender also said punishment is not an effective strategy for helping young children emotionally regulate, pointing to research discussed in the books The Explosive Child and Beyond Behaviors by Ross Greene. Instead, co-regulation involves validating how your child feels.<\/p>\n Support will look different for each child. Some children like hugs while others need space. Observe what works for your child and provide what they need to feel better.<\/p>\n While it\u2019s important to let children feel their emotions, staying stuck in that state can feel overwhelming.<\/p>\n Once they start calming down, it\u2019s okay to redirect them \u2014 using play is a helpful tool to help them move forward. Make sure it\u2019s an activity they connect with.<\/p>\n Timing is very important here.<\/p>\n \u201cEngaging them in the next thing can be really helpful in order to help their brain shift from this state of dysregulation to this state of attention,\u201d said Bender.<\/p>\n Build\u00a0emotional awareness<\/p>\n Parents can also help their children by teaching them emotional awareness. For toddlers and preschoolers, helping them tune into their bodies is especially helpful.<\/p>\n This can help them understand what they\u2019re feeling and communicate what they need to do to become more regulated.<\/p>\n You can ask them what they\u2019re physically feeling in their body. For example: Is their heart beating fast? Do their hands feel clammy? Does their face feel hot?<\/p>\n Then teach them what they can do to help themselves. Parents can also model these skills for their children.<\/p>\n For example: \u201cI’m noticing that I’m really having trouble focusing and keeping my patience right now. I think I need to check in with my body. I think I need to get a snack.\u201d<\/p>\n Incorporate these skills daily so that when dysregulation happens, children will have the tools to soothe strong emotions.<\/p>\n According to Bender, this is often the first step in teaching them how to identify and express their emotions.<\/p>\n This doesn\u2019t need to be a big discussion, especially since younger children have limited understanding of concepts and short attention spans.<\/p>\n LAist spoke to the following child development experts for this guide:<\/p>\n Kira Bender, pediatric occupational therapist at Center for Connection and founder at Here We GrowVeronika Luu, a music speech educator at Play LAOlivia Martinez-Hauge, occupational therapist and co-owner of Sensory Space DesignMeryl Opsal, founder of Romp and RollickGeorgie Wisen-Vincent, a nationally recognized play therapy expert and the director of the Play Strong Institute<\/p>\n Focus on senses<\/p>\n Children are attuned to their senses as early as the womb.<\/p>\n As a parent, understanding your child\u2019s sensory system can help support your child\u2019s emotional regulation, especially to promote a sense of safety and relaxation.<\/p>\n Traditionally, people know of the five human senses: touch, sight, hearing, smell and taste.<\/p>\n When your child\u2019s upset, giving them their favorite stuffed animal (touch) or putting on music they like (hearing) can be helpful.<\/p>\n There are also three lesser-known senses<\/a>, including interoception (internal body signals like hunger, thirst, pain or emotions), vestibular system (balance, movement and spatial orientation) and proprioception (body position and movement).<\/p>\n Children can utilize proprioception through activities like climbing and jumping or being tucked under their parent\u2019s arm while reading their favorite book, using a weighted blanket, or receiving a deep hug.<\/p>\n Helping your child engage with these hidden senses can be a grounding experience.<\/p>\n Activities to do at home<\/p>\n Play is important, especially through open-ended activities, which help children process their emotions. You can incorporate these activities when you see your children on the verge of being dysregulated, but it can also serve as redirection after they\u2019ve calmed down.<\/p>\n Provide a calm\u00a0sensory\u00a0space<\/p>\n It\u2019s helpful to have a space at home where your child feels safe, cozy, calm, and relaxed, whether it\u2019s their bedroom, a playroom or your living room \u2014 as long as they have a space they can retreat to when they need some support.<\/p>\n Think about a child\u2019s senses: what can they touch, see, hear and more. That could be a stuffed animal, a weighted blanket, their favorite books or audiobooks and music.<\/p>\n \u201cOne of the most underrated sensory tools, in my opinion, for many young children is a tent,\u201d said occupational therapist Kira Bender. \u201cThey love the feeling that this is a space all for themselves. So that is a very easy place to start.\u201d<\/p>\n Use bubbles and balloons<\/p>\n Bubbles and balloons are effective tools for redirecting a child’s focus after intense emotions, said Olivia Martinez-Hauge, occupational therapist and co-owner of Sensory\u00a0Space\u00a0Design<\/a>, which helps create spaces specifically designed for families’ needs.<\/p>\n Plus, they help bring attention back to their breath, since during dysregulation they often feel detached from their bodies and minds.<\/p>\n Make it a game by asking them to take a deep breath and blow bubbles in different ways \u2014 one at a time or a bunch all at once. Get creative!<\/p>\n The same idea works with balloons: take a deep breath in, then blow up the balloon. Kids can have fun playing hot potato with it, trying to keep it from falling, or letting it fly around after inflating it.<\/p>\n Incorporate\u00a0sensory\u00a0play<\/p>\n Toys or items that stimulate the senses are great tools to help calm your child\u2019s nervous system.<\/p>\n \u201cIt’s like a little lab that creates a safe space where we can get over these small frustrations and regulations and co-regulate together,\u201d said Opsal of Romp and Rollick. There are simple ways to incorporate sensory play:<\/p>\n Bath time: Opsal said water is a \u201cmagic power\u201d because of its soothing effect, from the wave-like movement to the sound of a bath. You can also add bubbles, water toys and color.Mealtime: Let infants eat by themselves with their hands.Sensory bins: Lay a king-sized bedsheet on the floor, ideally outside, grabbing any container like a big bowl or box, then filling it with a \u201ctaste-safe, but not delicious\u201d food source like rice and a small cup. (She strongly warns against dried beans\u2014they\u2019re a possible choking hazard.)<\/p>\n The best part: there are no instructions.<\/p>\n It\u2019s OK if they get messy or play with rice in unconventional ways.<\/p>\n Let your child put it in their shirt, pour it over parts of their body, or make snow angels out of it. That\u2019s part of the fun!<\/p>\n While younger children often have shorter attention spans, Opsal says that\u2019s not true in her sensory bin classes.<\/p>\n \u201cIt’s because that rhythmic nature just calms the nervous system and helps them lock in,\u201d said Opsal. \u201cAh, it’s amazing to watch.\u201d<\/p>\n Try preventative play\u00a0through mirroring<\/p>\n Georgie Wisen-Vincent, a nationally recognized play therapy expert and the director of the Play Strong Institute,<\/a> said playing with your child using mirroring techniques creates a calm, connected experience \u2014 one that you can return to when your child is dysregulated.<\/p>\n Basically, that means you reflect back what your child is feeling during play, whether through facial expressions, body language, or tone.<\/p>\n For example, if your child is playing with toys and there\u2019s a battle between superheroes and villains, joining in shows them you understand what they\u2019re feeling.<\/p>\n When you play along \u2014 following their lead and reflecting their emotions \u2014 you\u2019re building trust, Wisen-Vincent said.<\/p>\n So, when a meltdown happens, they know you\u2019re there to support them, just like you are when you\u2019re playing together.<\/p>\n Think of it as “preventative play.\u201d<\/p>\n Here\u2019s one way parents can think about their role here: \u201cI’m there to be the superhero of their emotional experience right now,\u201d said Wisen-Vincent. \u201cWe can weather this together.\u201d<\/p>\n Use music and movement<\/p>\n Music is a wonderful way to connect with the wide range of emotions we all feel.<\/p>\n Whether through singing or dancing, it helps us connect to our bodies and breath \u2014 tools that can assist us in self-regulation.<\/p>\n Veronika Luu, a music speech educator at PLAY<\/a>, an art school serving young children, says that singing together or having small dance parties at home are simple ways to include music in your family’s daily life.<\/p>\n Do it together! It encourages playfulness.<\/p>\n Helpful Resources<\/p>\n Here are a few books, guides and organizations recommended by the experts interviewed in this piece that can give some additional tips.<\/p>\n Beyond Behaviors<\/a>, by Mona\u00a0Delahooke\u00a0The Way of Play<\/a>, by Georgie Wisen-Vincent and Tina Payne Bryson\u00a0The Whole-Brain Child<\/a>, by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson\u00a0No Bad Kids<\/a>, by Janet Lansbury\u00a0Play Strong Institute<\/a>: Resources on play-based therapy.\u00a0\u00a0Association for Play\u00a0Therapy<\/a>: Provides a directory to help families find a play\u00a0therapist.\u00a0\u00a0Autism Level Up<\/a>:\u00a0A space created for the neurodivergent community by the community. It has resources, supportive discussion spaces,\u00a0meetups\u00a0and more!\u00a0Sensory Space\u00a0Design:<\/a>\u00a0Occupational therapists help create spaces specifically designed to meet families’ needs, including those of families with\u00a0autism\u00a0and ADHD.\u00a0Romp and\u00a0Rollick<\/a>:\u00a0Offers process art and\u00a0sensory\u00a0classes along with consulting services for families, schools, and businesses\u00a0Here We Grow<\/a>: An occupational therapy and disability consultative service.\u00a0Center for Connection<\/a>: Has an array of therapy services, including psychotherapy, assessments, educational therapy, play therapy, occupational therapy, and speech & language therapy.\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"You know that moment. 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