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As if the aftermath of her explosion at the Studio 54 party wasn\u2019t enough to deal with, Liz also now has to figure out what to do with the six bunches of bananas that Gary accidentally ordered when he meant to order six individual bananas. But until they\u2019re ripe enough to make banana bread, she\u2019ll focus on the other issue. \u201cI came across as a bitter, drunken, witch,\u201d she tells Dolores \u2014 three words that I have to imagine also appear on the show\u2019s casting notice.<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, Ashley takes some of the other women to her favorite beach, and Alicia, who is used to her country club, is terrified. \u201cThis is not my vibe, I\u2019m freaking out,\u201d she whispers as she\u2019s forced to carry her chair, bag, and snacks. The snacks in question are something called \u201cpizza chips,\u201d which appears to just be bread with sauce on it? Alicia, being the brain behind Pizza Mamma, tries to break down the science to us, saying that cheese can\u2019t sit out in the sun, but she need not explain. She had me at pizza chips.<\/p>\n
She also had me when she revealed that Rulla apparently met Brian while he was married to Alicia\u2019s high school Spanish teacher. \u201cI don\u2019t know if this is true, Brian cheated on his first wife, my Spanish teacher,\u201d she says with her hands over her heart, \u201cwith Rulla. I hope that\u2019s not true because I really did like my Spanish teacher.\u201d Yet again, I\u2019m obsessed with how deep the ties between these women go. A game of six degrees of separation hates to see them coming. I also love Alicia starting a declarative sentence with, \u201cI don\u2019t know if this is true,\u201d but she should say it in Spanish next time.<\/p>\n
And speaking of those deep ties, we already know that there was some connection between Jo-Ellen\u2019s sister and Jo-Ellen\u2019s husband while they were in high school, before Jo-Ellen swooped in. But now we\u2019re finally getting to meet Jen, who is basically subbing for Jo-Ellen at the house while she\u2019s on a work trip. \u201cShe perpetuates this fun little game of flirting with my husband,\u201d Jo-Ellen explains, but assures us that nothing is going on. That being said, Jen does joke that they\u2019re like an old married couple and Jo-Ellen tells us that Jen wants his sperm to have a baby\u2026but apart from that I guess everything is totally normal! I\u2019m putting together a list of side characters who should be in the running to hold clams in future seasons, and so far Jen and Alicia\u2019s Spanish teacher are leading the pack.<\/p>\n
But when it comes to side characters, the real stars are of course Alicia\u2019s aunts, who are thankfully back on our screens for a backyard barbecue with some of the ladies. And what better group to speak frankly to Rulla about her situation with Brian? The second Rulla alludes to bumps in the road, this beautiful coven of scorned divorc\u00e9es pounce, encouraging Rulla to leave him. \u201cDo you want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder?\u201d one of them asks her, and later in her confessional Rulla even admits that those words stayed with her. I feel like we\u2019re seeing something real with Rulla and she\u2019s finally letting the glossy veneer slip. But the best commentary comes from Alicia\u2019s mother, who says, \u201cI just hope and pray that you somehow hurt him\u2026I\u2019m gonna pray you get him back.\u201d Forget the usual Bravo aftershows, I want a show that\u2019s just all of Alicia\u2019s aunts watching and commentating on each week\u2019s episode. The ratings will be higher than the MASH finale.<\/p>\n
As for Liz and Kelsey\u2019s simmering conflict, the pair finally meet up to clear the air by the water where Liz\u2019s boat is docked. I\u2019ve seen similar meetings play out just like this on The Sopranos, so I had to keep reminding myself that Kelsey was safe because surely Bravo would never broadcast a woman being murdered. Then again, this would be the show to break that glass ceiling. As it turns out, I had no reason to fear because the sit-down goes incredibly smoothly. Liz explains that it felt like Kelsey was co-signing the rumors by bringing them up, and Kelsey says her instinct for Liz to keep her distance from Dino actually had more to do with her own history. She explains that ten years ago she and Dino hooked up but it didn\u2019t go well, and now his presence is a reminder of a time in her life that she\u2019s trying to forget. She even says she has PTSD over it and now avoids him like the plague, but respects that Liz has a meaningful friendship with him. I still have a lot of questions about this, but ultimately Liz and Kelsey clear the air and reconcile.<\/p>\n
And thank god, because then they\u2019re able to go rail biking in peace. All of the women split up into groups to cycle their way three miles down an old railroad track, with drinks in hand of course. \u201cRullala, how you doing back there?\u201d Alicia asks as they ride, which made me scream out in delight upon once again getting to hear my new favorite word: \u201cRullala.\u201d It\u2019s my mantra. I say it no fewer than 50 times a day. It\u2019s a greeting, it\u2019s a prayer, it\u2019s a way of life. Better yet, when the camera cuts to Rulla, she finally wins me over. Mid-cycle she\u2019s shaking a cocktail shaker and pouring her tequila into a wine glass. Leave Brian and his bullshit at home, this is the woman that I want to see on my screen.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m even more enamored with her once they get to their location and she\u2019s horrified to discover Alicia\u2019s financial situation. She\u2019s telling the ladies about not feeling valued given that her husband won\u2019t put her name on the house or business, and Rulla, being a financial planner, springs into action. Seeing this smart, powerful side of her, especially as she\u2019s trying to empower Alicia, is a great look and is far more compelling than watching her meekly defend her cheating husband. It gives a glimpse at what an independent Rulla might look like on this show in a couple of seasons.<\/p>\n
But she\u2019s not the only one supporting Alicia \u2014 Kelsey steps up to play Billy in a role-play so Alicia can practice airing her grievances. Sidebar: everyone talks about these women looking alike, but the real problem is that all of their partners have such similar names. Alicia\u2019s is Billy, Kelsey\u2019s boyfriend\u2019s is Bill, Rulla\u2019s is Brian, Jo-Ellen\u2019s is Gary, Liz\u2019s is Gerry, Ashley\u2019s is Jared, and thankfully Rosie\u2019s is just Rich. But oh my god, how am I supposed to keep that all straight? Anyway, the little role-play Alicia does ends up being heartbreaking, as she gets emotional saying that he makes her feel worthless in their relationship. But the fact that we\u2019re talking about this so much feels promising, and I hope we get to see Alicia ultimately bring all of these feelings to Billy. And if he doesn\u2019t listen, I hope her aunts attack him.<\/p>\n
The conversation then turns to how Liz has been gelling with newbie Ashley, and they joke about how Ashley is a little scared of her. When the Studio 54 party comes up, Liz says that that wasn\u2019t her finest moment and wasn\u2019t a good representation of what she\u2019s really like. \u201cAlicia, you said she\u2019s always like that,\u201d Rosie says, throwing Alicia right under the bus. \u201cDon\u2019t flip that shit, don\u2019t do that to me, don\u2019t put shit in my mouth,\u201d Alicia fires back, as Dolores looks on like a proud mother. \u201cShe twisted my words, you\u2019re a fucking troll,\u201d Alicia yells, saying that Rosie fucked her. It\u2019s a line-o-rama of iconic outbursts, one after another: \u201cWelcome to Rhode Island, bitch, this is how we roll,\u201d then, \u201cFucking thirsty bitch, so thirsty its scary,\u201d and finally, \u201cI need to get out of here cause I\u2019m gonna end up killing her.\u201d Our first death threat!<\/p>\n
But the craziest part of this comes when Alicia and Rosie step away from the group for a moment. It\u2019s allegedly to sidebar, but I was convinced it was so Alicia could murder her with fewer witnesses. Alicia tells her that if she apologizes everything will be good, Rosie apologies, and then things are good. \u201cDid she just hug her?\u201d someone asks from the circle, shocked. The series has had a lot of incredible moments thus far, but this one is what is most promising about its longevity as a Housewives show. The secret sauce of these shows is resilience \u2014 the ability to be as angry at someone as humanly possible, and move on like nothing happened so they can do it all over again. Long, drawn-out grudges make for bad television (as RHOBH proves), so this cast\u2019s ability to reconcile and move on will be the thing that makes it great.<\/p>\n
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