{"id":498044,"date":"2026-06-17T22:52:08","date_gmt":"2026-06-17T22:52:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/498044\/"},"modified":"2026-06-17T22:52:08","modified_gmt":"2026-06-17T22:52:08","slug":"i-returned-to-reality-tv-two-months-after-having-a-baby-behind-the-scenes-i-was-falling-apart","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.newsbeep.com\/il\/498044\/","title":{"rendered":"I returned to reality TV two months after having a baby. Behind the scenes, I was falling apart."},"content":{"rendered":"

Kristen Doute has spent much of her adult life in the public eye. Bravo viewers have watched her go from “Crazy Kristen” on Vanderpump Rules to fianc\u00e9e, mother and one of the most vulnerable stars on The Valley<\/a>.<\/p>\n

After years of sharing her fertility journey, Doute finally got the happy ending she’d been hoping for: an engagement to Luke Broderick and the birth of their daughter, Kaia.<\/p>\n

So when cameras picked up last fall, a little more than two months after she gave birth, Doute thought she was ready.<\/p>\n

Other moms had done it. She’d spent years sharing the highs and lows of her life on reality television. And she adored her daughter.<\/p>\n

But behind the scenes, she was struggling. When her baby slept, Doute often found herself crying, questioning whether she was cut out for motherhood and wondering why she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong.<\/p>\n

Although she’d dealt with anxiety before, what she didn’t realize at the time was that she was experiencing postpartum depression.<\/p>\n

In an interview with Yahoo’s Taryn Ryder, Doute opens up about the rage that first made her recognize something was wrong, how it affected her relationship with Broderick and why she’s determined to help other mothers feel less alone.<\/p>\n

I thought I should be able to do it all<\/p>\n

I remember clearly the first week after bringing Kaia home and looking at my body and thinking, Wow, you did this.<\/p>\n

I wasn’t upset about the extra pounds or the rolls. I’d just carried and delivered a baby after years of fertility struggles. I felt proud of what my body had done.<\/p>\n

But those positive feelings didn’t last very long.<\/p>\n

Within a couple of weeks, I started feeling this pressure to bounce back. I hate that phrase, but that’s really what it was. I knew my doctors told me to take my time. I kept thinking, All moms do this, right?<\/p>\n

I should be able to take care of my daughter, survive on little sleep, feel grateful, get back into a routine and somehow bounce back mentally, emotionally and physically.<\/p>\n

The pressure wasn’t coming from Luke. It wasn’t coming from my friends. No one was putting those expectations on me. I was putting them on myself.<\/p>\n

Part of it was that cameras were coming back up when I was only about two-and-a-half months postpartum. I’d spent so much of my adult life sharing my life on television that I figured I could handle this too.<\/p>\n

I remember talking to Scheana Shay, my costar on Vanderpump Rules, and MJ”Javid, from Shahs of Sunset, who’s now on The Valley: Persian Style. They both filmed days after giving birth. I thought, If they can do it, I can do it. I’m two-and-a-half months postpartum. I should be able to handle it.<\/p>\n

But everyone’s journey is different. Looking back now, I can see that I was already struggling long before I admitted it to myself.<\/p>\n

The thing that finally made me realize it was the rage<\/p>\n

At first, I didn’t think I had postpartum depression.<\/p>\n

I knew I had anxiety. I’d dealt with it before pregnancy and during. But the depression part was harder for me to recognize because I kept explaining everything away.<\/p>\n

I thought it was hormones.<\/p>\n

I thought every new mom probably felt this way.<\/p>\n

I thought I was exhausted.<\/p>\n

When people talk about postpartum depression, I think a lot of us picture the most extreme scenarios. I wasn’t worried about hurting myself. I wasn’t worried about hurting my baby. None of that was happening.<\/p>\n

What was happening was that I was really, really down.<\/p>\n

Every time I looked at Kaia’s face, I was filled with so much joy. I loved being her mom. That’s what made it so confusing.<\/p>\n

Then she would fall asleep and I’d cry.<\/p>\n

I’d be sad for no reason. I’d be angry at myself. If she wouldn’t stop crying, I’d start questioning everything.<\/p>\n

How am I even a good mother?<\/p>\n

Maybe I’m not capable of this.<\/p>\n

Maybe this was all a mistake.<\/p>\n

Maybe I should have done this 20 years ago when I was younger and had more energy.<\/p>\n

Those thoughts would get really loud during the quiet moments.<\/p>\n

The thing that finally made me realize something bigger was going on was the rage.<\/p>\n

I wasn’t actually angry with Luke. I wasn’t angry with my friends. But I had this rage inside me that would come out at different times, and I felt completely out of control. A lot of that showed up in my relationship.<\/p>\n

I was incredibly attached to Kaia from the beginning. Luke loved her, but he experienced those early months differently than I did. He would joke that she was this little potato who didn’t move, speak or do much yet. He wasn’t attached in the same way I was.<\/p>\n

At the time, I couldn’t understand that.<\/p>\n

I kept thinking, Why don’t you feel the way I feel? Why don’t you want to stare at her all day? Why don’t you want to cuddle her? Why aren’t you taking pride and joy in changing a diaper?<\/p>\n

I also didn’t want to leave the house. I didn’t want to socialize. I didn’t want to leave her side. I was terrified that if I did, something would happen.<\/p>\n

Rather than recognizing that Luke and I were allowed to feel differently, I just felt angry.<\/p>\n

Looking back now, I can see that what I was really trying to say wasn’t, You don’t care about our daughter. What I really meant was, You don’t understand how I feel.<\/p>\n

The only thing I felt like I could control was taking care of Kaia. If she was taken care of every second of every day, then I felt like I was doing something right.<\/p>\n

The me of it all didn’t matter anymore.<\/p>\n

A turning point<\/p>\n

I don’t think it really mattered to me until four or five months in that I started thinking about myself again.<\/p>\n

For a long time, my focus was entirely on Kaia. As long as she was OK, I convinced myself I was OK too. But eventually I had to admit that wasn’t true.<\/p>\n

Looking back, the anxiety was probably there in my first trimester, though I didn’t recognize it until my second. At the time, my psychiatrist switched me from Lexapro, which I had been taking before pregnancy, to a different antidepressant. It just wasn’t working for me.<\/p>\n

I remember feeling constantly on edge. I felt like I could snap at any moment, and it was getting the best of me.<\/p>\n

A close friend of mine, Rebecca Fox Starr, is a therapist, author and maternal mental health advocate. She connected me with a reproductive psychiatrist, which was something I didn’t even know existed.<\/p>\n

Having those conversations was a turning point for me.<\/p>\n

It became clear that what I was taking wasn’t helping, and I eventually went back on an SSRI. Within a few weeks, I noticed a huge shift. My second trimester ended up being one of the happier periods of my pregnancy. I finally felt like I could breathe again.<\/p>\n

More recently, I started seeing a new psychiatrist who specializes in maternal mental health. After talking through everything I’ve been experiencing, we decided to increase my Lexapro dosage a bit.<\/p>\n

The anxiety is still there sometimes. I still have moments where I can recognize pieces of the postpartum depression. But now I recognize it for what it is.<\/p>\n

One of the biggest signs of that is my relationship with Luke. A lot of people will see our struggles this season, but the reality is that things didn’t magically get better when filming ended. We wrapped in November, and we were still struggling for months afterward.<\/p>\n

The last three months, though, have been really great. We finally forced ourselves to sit down, communicate and really hear each other. We still have things we’ll need to work through, but we’re in a completely different place than we were a year ago.<\/p>\n

For the first time in a long time, I feel lighter. I started feeling better mentally and wanted to feel better physically too.<\/p>\n

I wanted to look in the mirror and see something of myself again<\/p>\n

After giving birth, I stayed at the exact same weight \u2014 185 pounds \u2014 I was when I delivered Kaia for almost four months.<\/p>\n

I was walking. I was eating well. I was doing the best I could. No, I wasn’t spending hours in the gym every day, but I was moving my body and trying to take care of myself. Nothing was changing.<\/p>\n

And after everything else I’d been through emotionally, it felt like another gut punch to my self-esteem.<\/p>\n

People hear conversations about weight and immediately assume it’s about trying to look a certain way. For me, it wasn’t that simple.<\/p>\n

I wanted to look in the mirror and feel like I saw something of myself again. At least part of the old Kristen that I could bring into this new version of my life.<\/p>\n

I had actually tried a GLP-1 years before and it wasn’t the right fit for me. After having Kaia, I decided to revisit the idea. I talked with doctors, nutrition specialists and other people I trusted before making that decision. For me, it ended up being really helpful.<\/p>\n

I’ve lost more than 30 pounds, gradually, but the biggest change isn’t the number on the scale. It’s how I feel.<\/p>\n

I feel stronger.<\/p>\n

I feel happier.<\/p>\n

I feel more capable.<\/p>\n

I don’t obsess over the number anymore. I pay attention to how my clothes fit, how my body feels and how much energy I have.<\/p>\n

For so long, I felt disconnected from myself \u2014 emotionally, mentally and physically.<\/p>\n

Now I feel stronger. I feel happier. I feel more capable.<\/p>\n

I wasn’t trying to become the old Kristen entirely. I just wanted to look in the mirror and see something familiar that I could bring into this new chapter of my life.<\/p>\n

Find your people<\/p>\n

Kaia just turned 1. I’m still in it, just not in the thick of it anymore.<\/p>\n

One of the biggest surprises of this journey has been the community that’s come with it. Before the season even aired, I met women who shared their own fertility stories, postpartum struggles and experiences becoming mothers later in life. Once the show started, that support only grew.<\/p>\n

Social media gets a bad reputation, and sometimes it’s deserved. But during postpartum, it’s introduced me to an incredible community of moms who have made me feel seen in ways I didn’t expect.<\/p>\n

That’s why I always tell women to find their mom friends.<\/p>\n

Have a group text. Have people you can reach out to at four o’clock in the morning when you’re exhausted, overwhelmed or convinced you’re doing everything wrong.<\/p>\n

There are so many things books don’t tell you. There are so many things you won’t learn until another mom says, “I’ve been there too.”<\/p>\n

And if you’re struggling with postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, postpartum rage or any of it, talk to someone.<\/p>\n

You are not an anomaly.<\/p>\n

It would honestly be more surprising to me to meet a mom who said everything was perfect and she felt fantastic the entire time.<\/p>\n

Ask for help.<\/p>\n

Give yourself grace.<\/p>\n

You deserve both.<\/p>\n

The Valley airs Wednesdays at 8 p.m. ET on Bravo. It streams the next day on Peacock.<\/p>\n

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