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The Valley<\/a><\/p>\n Hips Don\u2019t Lie<\/p>\n \n Season 3<\/p>\n Episode 14\n <\/p>\n \n Editor\u2019s Rating<\/p>\n 2 stars<\/p>\n **\n <\/p>\n \n If Danny wants the group to stop complainin about his drinking and behavior, he should try not to overindulge and act like a petulant toddler. When Janet cries on the phone to Jason, \u201cI can\u2019t keep doing this,\u201d it\u2019s like she\u2019s speaking for all of us. We have now been talking about Danny\u2019s drinking for the better part of two seasons, and it somehow feels even longer than that. I actually can\u2019t remember a time in my life when we weren\u2019t talking about Danny\u2019s drinking. (I\u2019m grateful to Brian for handing off recapping duties to me this week, but I\u2019m pretty sure he did it just to get a reprieve from this Sisyphean conversation.) And while Janet continues to bear the brunt of the blame, it\u2019s not her persistence that\u2019s keeping the storyline going \u2014 it\u2019s Danny overindulging and then acting like a petulant toddler. He spends the entirety of Zack\u2019s birthday slurring about how unfair it is that he makes people \u201cuncomfortable,\u201d repeating the term ad nauseam like a child who just learned a new word. If anyone\u2019s beating a dead horse here, it\u2019s Danny, and yelling at Janet is not going to make the problem go away.<\/p>\n In the meantime, though, Janet remains persona non grata with her travel group, which leads to the fight that ended last week\u2019s episode<\/a> and carries into this one. We\u2019re very much at an impasse, in that Janet is willing to apologize for how she spoke about Danny but not for the substance of what she said, and Nia \u2014 well, she pretends to be upset about Janet\u2019s insincerity, but is actually just offended that Danny\u2019s behavior is still being called out. In a confessional, Nia admits she\u2019s tired of people using the word \u201cuncomfortable\u201d when Danny stands up for himself, a deliberate misread of the offense. She brings up Jesse giving Jason a lap dance on a party bus a million years ago, and how that was also inappropriate, which feels like a rebuttal she and Danny workshopped.<\/p>\n Back at the table, Michelle reasonably points out that Janet feels like Nia wants her to apologize for Danny\u2019s actions, and that everyone else has a problem with Danny, too. That may be a slight exaggeration when it comes to the cast, but on behalf of the viewers, I\u2019m inclined to agree. Janet, meanwhile, is having the kind of emotional breakdown that necessitates producer intervention. While we don\u2019t know exactly what it is about the situation that has triggered Janet, she acknowledges that she lashed out because of past trauma. I wish she could say this to the others directly, but it would only be used against her by Danny and Nia, like every other response to Danny\u2019s bad behavior.<\/p>\n After that unfortunate meal, however, the group basically gets along for the rest of the day trip. Sure, Jesse bristles at Michelle asking him to stop PDA-ing Lacy in front of her, but it\u2019s surprisingly calm overall. (Though I see where Michelle\u2019s coming from in terms of Jesse never treating her that way, he did have to witness similar lovey-dovey behavior between Michelle and the Ramona Singer-eyed honey man.) On the beach, Nia gets coconuts for Janet and Michelle, which feels like a real peace offering. Kristen and Michelle go topless, Janet continues to lean into her bisexuality, Jesse stews \u2014 it\u2019s nice! And it\u2019s destined to be short-lived. You can feel the storm approaching when Nia tries to ask the fruit vendor in Spanish how much the coconuts cost and ends up saying \u201ccu\u00e1ntos m\u00e1s dolores,\u201d which translates to \u201cHow many more pains?\u201d So many more, Nia. So many more.<\/p>\n Obviously, the post-outing debrief was never going to go well for Nia, who once again has to tell Danny, flashing his best Jack Nicholson in The Shining smile, that he remains a topic of conversation. In Danny\u2019s defense \u2014 I promise this is the last time I will defend him in this recap, or elsewhere \u2014 it is a little confusing that people like Brittany say they don\u2019t have a problem with his drinking to his face and then say the opposite behind his back. I think the unspoken issue here is that the drinking itself isn\u2019t what anyone\u2019s objecting to. It\u2019s the way that drinking exacerbates Danny\u2019s central condition, which is being a pissbaby who is nasty to his wife. Danny getting inappropriately handsy is obviously very bad, but it\u2019s also just one piece of the repulsive fratty behavior puzzle, and perhaps that\u2019s tougher for the group to articulate. The other unspoken subtext here is that the members of the cast talking about Danny quite simply do not fuck with the Bookos. When Janet and Michelle tattle about Kristen throwing her besties under the bus to defend Danny\u2019s drinking, Brittany and Jasmine seem most offended that Kristen is doing this on behalf of people she\u2019s not really friends with. Say what you will about Janet, but it does often feel like Danny and Nia have even fewer legitimate relationships with the rest of the \u201cfriend group.\u201d<\/p>\n As we\u2019ve seen throughout the season, there\u2019s no real resolution to be found here, and any futile attempts will have to wait. It\u2019s time to celebrate Zack\u2019s birthday! In true Jenna Maroney fashion, he\u2019s declared the theme to be sluts, which mostly has everyone dressing up like it\u2019s Pride at SUR. (Nia\u2019s cleavage prompts Danny to say, \u201cThe mommies are out,\u201d a phrase that will haunt me to the end of my days.) Tom Schwartz inexplicably dons white face paint, which he pairs with a dog collar and a sheer top. Zack calls him a \u201cslutty clown,\u201d but to me, the look is more \u201cBabadook but my friend\u2019s house had more of a grown-ups drinking wine vibe<\/a>.\u201d Schwartz says he\u2019s tapping into the \u201cslutty little goth guy\u201d he\u2019s been repressing all these years, then flirts with Zack. If he were truly committed to making The Valley interesting again, he\u2019d follow through. Meanwhile, Jasmine and Melissa are reminding us why the L comes first in LGBTQ, as they\u2019ve taken it upon themselves to decorate the party bus with the most garish gay-guy paraphernalia. This is how we learn that you can show a realistic dildo stuck on a window, but not affixed to Schwartz\u2019s forehead, where I guess it could be mistaken for an actual appendage.<\/p>\n On the bus, Brittany \u2014 who, it must be said, appears to have spent the entire day pregaming \u2014 confronts Jesse and demands an apology for his accusation that she and Jax conspired to bring the Bookos down. \u201cI\u2019m not that kind of person,\u201d she says, and while I do think her barely concealed distaste for Danny and Nia means Jesse\u2019s not entirely off-base, she\u2019s also right that it\u2019s ridiculous to take Jax\u2019s word for anything. Jesse reveals that he\u2019s actually still mad about the Yamashiro fight<\/a> and the way Brittany spoke to Lacy. Does anyone on this show ever move on from anything? This situation has been addressed, and everyone involved has apologized. Lacy gets mad at Jesse for bringing it up, though in a confessional she admits that she agrees with him and is just bothered by his delivery. Regardless, there\u2019s only so much time to relitigate this before disaster strikes. On the top level of the party bus, Jasmine is wiping bird shit off Zack\u2019s arm when he hits his head on a street sign. R.I.P. Zack Wickham, reunited with that Monster Energy fridge in the sky. He died doing what he loved: being tall.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m going into a club in Mexico to celebrate one friend I love who\u2019s no longer with us,\u201d Lacy says by way of a eulogy. \u201cGod rest his soul, but like, I love a gay bar.\u201d In reality, Zack is fine. Production shuffles him off to a hospital with Benji so he can get stitches, while the others head to the gay bar. (Apologies to the producer for calling this out, because I\u2019m sure the situation was really scary, but his panic at spotting the blood was maybe not helpful to maintaining calm!) Despite Zack urging them all to rally on his behalf, there\u2019s instant unpleasantness. Brittany is weepy and fixated on her hurt feelings, but too drunk to confront Kristen about saying that she drinks too much. And Nia activates Dark Side Danny by forbidding him from hip movements when he dances. \u201cPeople are uncomfortable,\u201d she tells him. \u201cYou need to control yourself.\u201d I am not at all blaming Nia for the way Danny treats her \u2014 nothing justifies the way he talks to his wife \u2014 but I do think she is intentionally setting him off against the others here. Outside of Danny grinding on women without their consent, does his dancing really merit a preemptive warning? Both of the Bookos have such disdain for the concept of anyone else\u2019s discomfort that I can\u2019t imagine her bringing this up for any reason other than to unleash the beast.<\/p>\n
\n Photo: Bravo\n <\/p>\n