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It\u2019s appropriate that this finale should start off in the back of a Sprinter van, where so much Real Housewives drama begins. Luann feels like the whole cast is \u201cbullying\u201d her because they just told her that she\u2019s been obnoxious and that she was not as disrespected, \u201cin my own town!\u201d as she originally anticipated. Porsha tells her that she needs to pick a better word than \u201cbullying.\u201d She says, \u201cYou have a great vocabulary and French. Put them together.\u201d Thank God for Porsha, truly the only funny one on the cast. Okay, Gizelle has her moments, but what really makes for a great Housewives program is humor, and Porsha (and a little bit Gizelle) are the only two who can make comedy happen just by looking down their noses and being themselves. That\u2019s not to say the rest of the women aren\u2019t funny, but they\u2019re unintentionally funny, like when Teresa says, \u201cA fresh of breath air,\u201d with a complete lack of irony, or Lisa Barlow says, \u201cThey\u2019re making something out of nothing, like origami.\u201d I have no idea what that means, but it\u2019s hilarious.<\/p>\n
Strangely enough, Porsha\u2019s humor gets through to Luann, who listens to what the rest of the cast has to say about her and decides to take stock of her behavior and try to do better. Do better? You have about 36 hours left with these women, and then she doesn\u2019t need to see them again unless she\u2019s invited to BravoCon, which seems unlikely since The Golden Life isn\u2019t even going to be on Bravo. Wait, was Luann passing the torch \u2014 really an enormous candle shaped like a queen\u2019s head that I would like for the center of my dining room table \u2014 on to Jessel Taank and Erin \u201cMew Mew\u201d Lichy with her acknowledgement that she\u2019s leaving the network for good? And how pissed must Luann have been only two months later to find out that Carole was going to be carrying that torch right back to being the center apple of the show?<\/p>\n
It takes the crew eight hours to get from Manhattan to the Berkshires, and I can\u2019t imagine what they talked about for that long. Did Lisa Barlow convince them that she is the nicest person in Salt Lake City? Did Vicki finally convince anyone to buy life insurance? Did Porsha convince Kyle to finally just be a lesbian already? The women are restless and starving, and they pull over to get Wendy\u2019s mid-trip. Okay. Lisa Barlow may be wrong about many things, but she is right that there is nothing better than a cheeky Wendy\u2019s in the middle of a road trip. (Dipping fries in my Frosty while staring out the window singing along to Alanis Morrisette. There\u2019s nothing better.) Lisa walks in with everyone\u2019s orders and walks out with three giant bags of fast-food goodness. Do you think they have her picture behind every register at Wendy\u2019s? When she goes in to order off of the giant touch screens, do they use facial recognition and just have Lisa\u2019s order pre-programmed, and she doesn\u2019t have to pay? Is this like when Dina Lohan had a Carvel black card<\/a>?<\/p>\n While I totally get what Lisa is doing, is this real or is this product placement? I will give Bravo credit that no one can integrate a product as seamlessly into one of their shows as they can, but because they do it so well, I think we need a little #ad in the corner of the screen like they force influencers to do when showing off their new Dyson Supersonic Hair Dryer. Like, could this have been Taco Bell or Raising Cane\u2019s or Chick-fil-A or just whatever chain they happened to pass by on the way to Dorinda\u2019s, or was this always going to be a Wendy\u2019s stop because what they paid for this placement funded the entire extravagant party at Bluestone Manor?<\/p>\n And, oh, what a party it is. After the ladies are greeted by their fans in the Berkshires and Kyle lures Porsha to her bedroom to scare her (is that the only reason Kyle wanted Porsha in her bedroom?), the bulk of the episode is taken up with the Housewives-only party at Bluestone Manor, a cursed residence that was built on a Hellmouth but didn\u2019t have Buffy there to defend it. Dorinda\u2019s residence is perhaps the single most iconic location in all of Housewifery because that demonic energy caused friction in every single interaction that took place there. While we get a somewhat comprehensive montage of everything that\u2019s happened in the Berserkshires, it isn\u2019t nearly exhaustive. What about \u201cMention it all?\u201d What about when Ramona Singer\u2019s dog Coco shit all over the floor and no one picked it up? What about when Carole was hiding in the closet to try to overhear Luann calling her a pedophile, and Jules Wainstein kept trying to ruin her ruse? I could go on.<\/p>\n The theme is The Gilded Age, but no one dresses to the theme, looking like Christine Baranski or Clock Twink. The one who does the best is Teresa with her poofy updo supporting a little crown and a corseted gown that looks like something Bertha Russel would have descended an elaborate staircase wearing. It\u2019s shocking because Teresa\u2019s idea of prestige television is episodes of Dora the Explorer she hasn\u2019t seen before. Everyone else is just really dressed up, which is fine. What annoys me is that this whole thing is called Roaring 20th, so why was there not a flapper and Great Gatsby theme? Even Andy rocked up in an old sedan like he is at a party in West Egg. I know that I have banned this overused theme from ever being used again, but considering the name of the show and the theme\u2019s ubiquity, you would think setting the theme would be even easier than Lisa Barlow getting you some extra dipping sauces at her local Wendy\u2019s. (Great on a road trip! I\u2019m open for collabs!)<\/p>\n The strangest dress decision goes to Luann and Dorinda showing up in the same Jovani gown. This whole bit is totally misplayed (though the gown is spectacular). First of all, it needed to be more of a moment. Everyone needed to witness the moment when Luann and Dorinda first saw each other and realized they were in the same dress. The crowd needed to think it was organic and be worried about the outcome. Instead, they just stumbled into each other in the living room while a million different conversations were happening and started shouting, \u201cJovani!\u201d at each other. The other problem with this bit is that back in the day Dorinda wasn\u2019t yelling Jovani because they were wearing the same dress; it was because she was pissed at Luann for not inviting her boyfriend John, Santa\u2019s magic bag if the only gift inside were coke sweats. And Luann didn\u2019t yell Jovani back at her from the stage. So now here they are, recreating a moment that never happened in front of an audience of people who didn\u2019t care.<\/p>\n That\u2019s what was different about Dorinda and Luann among all the other Housewives this season. They were trying to relive and recreate their best moments. They were trying to get another gasp out of the iconic behavior of the past, like reanimating a corpse for a final dance. This is also clear when, after the fireworks at the end of the party, Dorinda gets everyone to shout, \u201cMake it nice!\u201d No, this party isn\u2019t about Dorinda; it\u2019s about everyone celebrating their joint mission. Why are we even doing this?<\/p>\n