Dear Eric: I\u2019m in my 60s and have a crippling disease that kept me housebound for nearly five years. My daughter moved back home around that time after her sister took her life and left behind a young son, whom we have been raising together.<\/p>\n
A new medication for this disease was recently approved. I\u2019ve been taking it for two years, and it has led to incredibly impressive improvements. I have a new lease on life!<\/p>\n
The manufacturers of this medication invited me to be a patient ambassador for them this year. I receive a good stipend for traveling once every other month or so to talk with physicians, pharmacists and other patients struggling with this condition. The trips are very short (one to two days), and my physical needs and limitations are respected and accommodated.<\/p>\n
My daughter is angry about this and wants me to stop. She gives a number of reasons: That I\u2019m shilling for Big Pharma, the time it takes for me to recover from trips, all the \u201cwhat ifs,\u201d (nonexistent) financial burdens, leaving her behind to cope with a recalcitrant teenager, et cetera. She refuses to participate or support my efforts in any way.<\/p>\n
I suspect there\u2019s something else going on. Could she be worried about the time I will leave her behind permanently?<\/p>\n
What\u2019s the best way to discuss this with someone who refuses to talk about the fact that I will not always be around, no matter how safe I try to be? I intend to grab this chance to provide a patient perspective and support others struggling with this disease. It matters to me. Yet I also want my family to accept and support me just as I support them.<\/p>\n
\u2013 Patient Patient<\/p>\n
Dear Patient: I\u2019m sure you\u2019re right: there are probably a lot of other emotions and triggers influencing your daughter\u2019s position. This is understandable, but the first thing to remember is you don\u2019t need her permission to live your life. Every family system is interconnected, and yours is no different. Collaborating to raise a child, who is surely still grieving the loss of his mother (as you are also still grieving) makes that interconnectedness even more complicated. Communication is key here, as is compromise, but I don\u2019t see your daughter\u2019s demands in that spirit.<\/p>\n
For the moment, table debate about your trips. You needn\u2019t stop them, especially if they are helping you feel you\u2019re living your purpose. But you, your daughter, and your grandson should participate jointly and individually in family therapy. Focus initially on the grief and the new dynamics of your family. Sometimes, when a loved one dies and life has to be dramatically rearranged, we make the first or most immediately available choice. After some of the initial shock has subsided, it\u2019s good to revisit those early choices to make sure they still work for us. I\u2019m not suggesting that your co-raising arrangement needs upending, instead therapy can be an opportunity to process what your shared goals are, how you\u2019re working toward those goals, and any places where those goals don\u2019t align.<\/p>\n
Your daughter may never be fully comfortable with your trips. Much of that is her work to do. But by continuing to have conversations that acknowledge how much has changed, you give each other the opportunity to keep changing and growing, too.<\/p>\n
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com<\/a> or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram<\/a> and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n If you purchase a product or register for an account through a link on our site, we may receive compensation. By using this site, you consent to our User Agreement<\/a> and agree that your clicks, interactions, and personal information may be collected, recorded, and\/or stored by us and social media and other third-party partners in accordance with our Privacy Policy.<\/a><\/p>\n