After four weeks of double-dealing, farting in cabins, giant mechanised traitors playing chess and huge ratings for the BBC, on Thursday we finally banish the first series of The Celebrity Traitors to iPlayer.
While some (including this writer) worried that the prefix “Celebrity” might dilute or degrade the show, we’ve been treated to a rip-roaring game of Highland wink murder from start to finish. Big dogs, national treasures, comedians and musicians, sportspeople and presenters have thrown themselves enthusiastically into the game, but they can’t all be winners.
With 70 minutes of nail-biting silliness left, only five of the original nineteen players remain. The traitors Alan Carr and Cat Burns have been pulling the strings in the turret from the start. Joe Marler is leading the charge for the faithful (keen to avenge the death of his bestie Joe Wilkinson), with his pal Nick Mohammed seemingly also convinced they’ve found the traitors. The final faithful, David Olusoga, is more of what might be described as a floating voter.
After an initial vote in the castle, usually the round table is replaced by a fire pit for the finale, so expect an outdoor extravaganza as we whittle the five down to the winners and losers. The rules state that anyone banished from this moment on will not reveal if they are a traitor or a faithful, making it all a bit more tricky, and the game doesn’t stop until the players vote to stop banishing.
So who is going to take home the £100,000 charity donation (or a share of it) and who will be licking their wounds and ruing their missed chances as Claudia Winkleman watches on from a flickering flame-lit castle garden?
Here are seven scenarios that could play out; delivering victories for both the faithful and the traitors…
Scenario one: everything goes smoothly and all three faithful bring it home
It’s three against two, and the two traitors, Cat and Alan, are under heavy suspicion from Joe and Nick. This means that without any unexpected twists in the gameplay of the final, the most likely result is a faithful win. The most straightforward (and least entertaining) way for this to play out is for David to side with Joe and Nick at the fire pit, and for the three of them to vote out first Alan (who doesn’t seem to stand a chance any more) followed by Cat (who both Joe and Nick are now sure is a traitor). At this point, satisfied that they have rooted out the baddies — and pleased with David for siding with them — the faithful stop the voting to reveal they have won the show as a trio.
Result: faithful win — Joe, Nick and David share the prize
Scenario two: the faithful sacrifice David to be sure
As above, David helps Joe and Nick to dispatch Alan and Cat, but instead of stopping at three faithful, the vote goes on. Both Joe and Nick have had their suspicions of David at different points in the game (indeed, he’s only still in it thanks to a tie-break after he and Mark Bonnar received five votes each at the round table) and that doubt is something David has failed to shake off. Could Joe and Nick, who believe each other to be “hundies” (Joe’s word, not mine), take a belt-and-braces approach to the game and eliminate any slight chance of a traitor being among them and banish David too? After all, if David was a traitor, he would win the game if they let him stay.
Result: faithful win — Joe and Nick share the prize
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Scenario three: Nick turns on Joe
Scenario one plays out, but there’s a final twist. Once it’s down to the final three faithful, the vote continues at the request of Nick and David. Although Joe counts Nick among his “hundies”, there have been occasional suggestions that Nick may still have doubts about Joe’s incredibly aggressive traitor hunting. We know that Nick’s game has been to keep the traitors close before pulling the rug from under them, and could he have been playing Joe all along, believing he’s a traitor hiding in plain sight? David could vote for Joe believing that his attempt to recruit him at the end of the penultimate episode was a traitor’s move, rather than the action of a true faithful, and join Nick in knocking Joe out. This would leave Nick and David sharing the prize for the faithful and a very, very angry Joe. This would be excellent television.
Result: faithful win — Nick and David share the prize
Scenario four: David picks the wrong side completely
Coming into the final fire pit, it’s still not clear who David believes (or indeed if he knows himself yet). But David could be the kingmaker in this, and he has had his suspicions about Joe and Nick during the show. If he believes their bold move to team up at the chess match and attempt to bring him onside after the final round table was traitor-play, he might side with Cat and Alan from the off in voting for Nick and then Joe. Believing he has banished the two remaining traitors he would vote to stop banishing, and knowing that they’d won, the traitors could happily stop the game and gloat or choose to banish David as a final insult. Either way, this would leave us with Alan and Cat winning the game and sharing the prize after being traitors from day one of the show. Quite the result that would make their former team-mate Jonathan Ross proud.
Result: traitors win — Alan and Cat share the prize
Scenario five: David hands it to Cat the traitor
We all know that David is like a historian in the headlights going into the final, and after eight episodes of overthinking and indecision, there’s still time for one last throw of the dice that could deliver a traitor winner in a different way. David has had his suspicions of Nick throughout the game and has voted for him at the round table; if he were to vote for Nick in the first round and the traitors also home in on him, we’d be left with two traitors and two faithful; Cat, Alan, Joe and David. Sure that there were two traitors left at the beginning of the final, the players would have no choice but to go on, and the obvious target would be the classic traitor Alan. If David and Joe vote for Alan, it could see Alan straight out (if the traitors don’t pick the same faithful) or a deadlock if they vote for the same person. If deadlocked, they could vote again, and it’s likely that Cat would turn on Alan, seeing him banished. David could then turn on Joe, suspicious that he has been too bold in trying to recruit him and manipulate the final. He and Cat could banish Joe, leaving Cat the sole winner as the only traitor left in the game.
Result: traitors win — Cat takes the prize
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Scenario six: Alan astounds us all
Considered opinion says that Alan is toast. He looks to have flown too close to the sun in recent episodes, forgetting he has a shield and laughing when he had to declare his faithfulness. And while Joe and Nick appear to be coming for him first, the Chatty Man still has a path to victory. Consider this: David follows through on his suspicions about Cat and votes with Nick and Joe to remove Cat and leave just one traitor, Alan. Alan then votes for Joe, and David also votes for Joe, still suspecting Joe is a manipulative traitor dressed as an arch-faithful. The traitor vote is then split as Joe votes for Alan and Nick votes for David. Alan is then left with David and Nick. They could stop the banishment there, believing they have rooted out the last two traitors, or there could be another round where David votes against Nick, believing him to be a longtime associate of Joe the traitor, and Alan follows suit. This leaves Alan and David, with Alan taking the prize. It’s very unlikely, but would be a box-office finale.
Result: traitors win — Alan takes the prize
Scenario seven: the producers throw in a curveball
The first five scenarios assume a “standard” final with no unknown elements introduced to the game by the producers. However, this is The Traitors, so we should expect the unexpected. The introduction of an element like the “seer”, where one player can see everyone’s status, or a similar twist could blow the game wide open and seriously sway the result. Watch out for Claudia saying, “This could change everything,” because if she does, all bets are off and anything could happen.
Result: who knows
Who do you think’s going to win The Celebrity Traitors? Let us know in the comments below